Write Anyway

 

Write Anyway Yesterday I wanted to write…

Two weeks ago I wanted to write…

A month ago I wanted to write…

But I couldn’t bring myself to transfer these thoughts and feelings into tangible words.

And today he – the one I love – reminded me if it is a scary thing to write then I should dive deep and write the hell out of how I feel. He always encourages me to choose to face the scary bits, the uncharted venues. Thank you, my love!

That morning as I sat there barely going through my first cup of coffee when I got the message.

6:43 am on December 12, 2017…what supposed to be a nerve wrecking Tuesday from the huge project that I needed to handle, our world shook.

My son’s father, my ex-husband passed away that morning.

Tears flow silently as I sat there holding my coffee cup and stared at my phone.

I message his mother back. My boy needs to see his father. They let him come to the funeral home by noon.

Almost in a panic mode, I messaged my families. I needed them to take my boy there because I couldn’t leave the project. The event must go on and there’s no one who could replace me.

How to tell my son?! My heart raced and breaking at the same time. He needs to know. So I sat him down and broke the news as gently as I could.

I will never be able to forget the wailing sounds that came from his trembling body as he collapsed into my arms.

We sat there both crying and I could only repeat myself telling him that his Daddy loves him so much. God, that pain in his eyes…I wish I could take all of his pain away! But I can’t…I can only let him cry it out.

I am stricken with guilt, helplessness, and sadness.

My family…God, what would I do without them?! They came together and held my son close while I must drag myself to get the job done. They let him cried as much as he needed to, they took him to the funeral home. They give him all their love while his tender heart is breaking.

I came to my event with swollen eyes and guilt so heavily blanketed my whole being that I had to put on an autopilot mode to get my job done.

Remember you need to prepare yourself too, Maureen.

The words from the school counselor I met a few months ago played in my head constantly.

When she mentioned that, I brushed it off. My main concerns and focus were to help my boy. I have been worried sick since the day my ex told me he had cancer over 2 years ago.

Grief caught me off guard!

I was NOT ready for the waves of emotions that came out of nowhere and paralyzed me. It went from sadness to anger. I had a lot to process too.

Yes, I was angry at my ex for making me the one that had to tell him the most heartbreaking news in his 11 years of life! I was angry because he had asked me not mention anything when they found out his cancer had spread. I was angry we couldn’t attend his funeral!

There was a lot of frustrations at the end of his battle. I know he has fought very hard and in his own ways he did what he did because he didn’t want our son to remember him being in a bad shape.

It took me awhile to stop being angry. I cannot change what has happened. It is beyond my control.

I wanted to say that I handled everything with grace…but no, not so much. It was a struggle to come to terms with his passing.

I am just thankful that he and I had been on really good terms when he passed away. We were like friends until the very end. For that, I am grateful. He and I had had our closure months ago.

It’s only been a little over a month and I still monitor my son’s closely. Please keep my son in your prayers or please send him healing thoughts as we both journey on.

Comments

comments

Follow:
Maureen

Lifestyle and travel blogger, founder of Single Moms Indonesia on a quest of finding joy in everyday life and living life to the fullest with kindness, compassion, grace and a bit of sass.

Find me on: Web | Twitter | Facebook

Share:

10 Comments

  1. robin rue
    January 18, 2018 / 5:32 pm

    That must have been so hard for your son. I can’t even imagine actually. He’s way too young to have to deal with such heavy stuff 🙁

  2. January 18, 2018 / 8:23 pm

    Oh no, I am so sorry. I hope your son will be okay. My husband lost his father, and it was tough on him.

  3. Kelly Reci
    January 18, 2018 / 8:33 pm

    You are one strong person, mama. On top of everything, you were so brave to write this post and I really applaud you for that… it’s hard to get it onto paper sometimes but you did it. Just the fact that you are grateful despite everything you’ve been through shows how commendable you are.

  4. candy
    January 18, 2018 / 9:22 pm

    Can’t imagine how difficult and hard this news was to hear. Be there for your son. Thank goodness for family to help you through this difficult time.

  5. valmg @ Mom Knows It All
    January 19, 2018 / 10:34 am

    I am sorry your child had to experience that pain. Death can be difficult at any age but I feel moreso for children when it’s a parent.

  6. Mansi Gupta
    January 19, 2018 / 11:53 pm

    I’m so sorry u and ur son had to go through such a difficult time…my thoughts and prayers are with u and ur family..

  7. January 20, 2018 / 2:47 am

    Oh sweet friend, I am so sorry. Prayers for your son and you. Isaiah 40:31

  8. Annemarie LeBlanc
    January 20, 2018 / 1:18 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know both of you are still grieving and trying your best to heal from this sad event in your life. Hang on to your faith and trust the Lord’s Wisdom. Hugs to you and your son.

  9. Terri Beavers
    January 20, 2018 / 9:27 pm

    My heart is breaking for your son. I hope I never have to be the one to share news like that with my kids. I just couldn’t do it. You are strong and amazing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.