“When infidelity is swept under the rug too many times, the bump under the rug grows big enough to trip the person overlooking the affairs.” – Claudia Broome
What infidelities did to me:
1. It shattered my self-esteem.
Like a comet, infidelities hit my world and shred it to pieces. It made me wondering out loud what did he sees in her? Was it her tiny waist line? Was it her hopeful youth? Was it her innocence? Was it my undiagnosed PPD that pushed him to find solace somewhere else years later? Was it my stretch marks? It’s a daily battle to make myself believe that IT IS NOT ME, I may not be perfect, the marriage might be far from perfect in the first place but I cannot control his urge to find his fulfillment outside the marital lock.
2. I might never trust again.
How can I trust after what happened? It’s been almost 2 years now and I still very much struggle with this. When everything you thought was ‘real’ turned out to be nothing but lies, it will leave you second guessing everything you have known. Re-learning to trust again is HARD and this is why I had stepped back from the scary dating world. I can’t trust and to fake it is just too tiring. Would be unfair to ‘punish’ the next guy that come into my life for the ‘sins’ my ex husband did to me.
How am I going to make it as a single mom? What if he bails out on my son? There are so many insecurities inside me about what the future will hold for me and my son. Will I even afford paying for his school if his father can’t? For now I surrender this all to the Higher Power, to my God.
4. Emotional roller coaster ride.
I read men moves faster into their future than women, on my case it was proven. Sometime I feel I’m still so hang up from my divorce that there’s still an overweight luggage that I’m dragging behind me even when I feel like I am moving on. The past still chains me down. There are moments where I can sing to Gloria Gaynor’s song whole heartedly and believing every words in that song that I WILL SURVIVE. Yet, there are slaps of moments where infidelities demons came and choke me all up. There are times where I asked my best friend to slap me hard because I was ‘pain shopping’ by snooping at their pictures together. One happy family! There are definitely good days and bad days.
5. Different Looks on Life:
I wore my blinders till I can’t see anymore. Now that my rose-tinted glass has been shattered I am seeing life differently. Sometimes I fear I may have become a skeptic. Questioning if men really can stay faithful. Seeing a couple, secretly I wonder how long they will last. If sacred vows even have any meanings these days. Infidelities gave me brand new glasses…realizing that I hold the key to my own happiness in this life is major. Divorce makes me take a hard look on me and infidelities made me realize I worth more than I gave myself credit for in the past. That I deserve to be with someone who knows how to love, who understands what commitment really means. Someone who won’t run into someone else’s arms when the going gets tough. Infidelities opened my eyes to see this strength inside me that I never thought even exist.
To fully recover from infidelities – yes on my case it was plural – is not an easy road. It’s a constant battle but it’s a journey. What I know is I am moving on. Maybe two steps forward, three steps back but it is a journey, MY journey.