What I Learned From A Mistress

She’s a sweet girl…” my friend assured me.

OK…” I walked next to her heading to this upscale restaurant/bar inside a wine shop last Saturday night to meet up with this new girl alongside my other friends.

Surely, I’m glad I’ve been ‘warned’ about this new girl.

She’s a Mistress.

If one word could freeze me cold is that word. Mistress…it even leaves a bad taste in my mouth trying to pronounce it. Subconsciously, I had a strong reaction against the word and for all women behind it. After dealing with infidelities, yes, I strongly dislike other women who are willing to play the role as “The Other Woman”. To me, these women are home-wreckers and I honestly have no respect for any of them.

I could’ve declined the girls night out invitation…but I went anyway.

We shook hands, she’s a beautiful very friendly woman. Very confident and easy going.

The wine quickly came flowing. We had our dinner. Nice chats. But I was careful in what I was saying, secretly felt glad that I didn’t sit next to her as I would feel a little awkward. Overall, she was a good host.

The night goes on…we moved to a different place.

After a few drinks, I began to relax and started to loosen up a bit and started to enjoy our girls night out. We laughed, we kicked back, we danced. We had fun.

The next day, I found out more details about her.

She’s also a single mom who was cheated on repeatedly by her dead-beat ex-husband. She have a great career. Came from a well-off family. Financially, she’s doing really well, she doesn’t need any money from her sorry ass-ex husband to support her and her child because he’s not paying anyway.

She fell in love with the wrong man. A married man with children.

As an outsider, it’s so easy for me to judge, to say “She’s so much better than this!” or “But she could’ve pick any man she wants to!

But you can’t pick who you fall in love with…I guess…

And she has chosen that path although I’m sure growing up she would’ve never imagine she’d be where she is today.

Her story is actually a sad one. So sad really that I can’t help but feeling sorry for her. Her story is opening up my eyes.

It shifted the way I see the whole Mistress phenomenon…that maybe there are two kinds of them out there. The ones who truly fell in love and stays despite the fact that ‘their man’ can’t leave their real families to be with them fully and they’re content with having whatever arrangements that works for them. Then there’s one who became Mistress solely for financial reasons.

Seeing her, learning about her story alter my way of thinking for sure. She taught me that behind every label there is an individual with variety of different stories. I could’ve gone with my ‘morally correct’ belief and steer clear from befriending someone who is a Mistress. I was once in the opposite side of her story. I was once “The Wife” so I can totally relate to how the wife must’ve feel. But if I did that, I might missed on this important life lesson.

Never judge…


The choices she made and took may go against my beliefs but it’s her rights. It is her life.

As hard as it sounds. Mind your own business.

She’s a nice girl and will I hang out with her again? Absolutely!



  1. March 28, 2012 / 7:03 pm

    maybe you can’t control how you feel (actually I am not convinced about that) but you can control the way you choose to act.

    • April 2, 2012 / 5:18 pm

      Caite, yes of course we all choices in life and I may not chosen the road that this girl has taken but I cannot be the moral police officer too 🙂

  2. March 28, 2012 / 11:21 pm

    Hoo-wee – that is a toughie but I’m glad you found it in your heart to accept her. When you get right down to it, we’re women, and therefore sisters regardless of what we do. It’s never easy for us, but that’s what makes us the keepers of all things beautiful. Bless your heart, Maureen.

    • April 2, 2012 / 5:20 pm

      It wasn’t easy Nami. I would probably reacted a lot stronger if it was the ‘other mistress’ aka Mr. X’s new wife – now that is still something that I am struggling with. I don’t think I could ever be friends with her. Thanks, Nami!

  3. March 29, 2012 / 6:44 am

    Brave blog about your perspective that I very much appreciate. I’ve been on both sides as well. It can be challenging. In the end, loving honorably is the best way to proceed. And I agree, we need to kick ‘judgment’ to the curb.

    • April 2, 2012 / 5:24 pm

      Thank you Ruby. It’s so easy to judge and condemned what this girl is doing but she did taught me to not judge her from a part of her life that she chose and see her for the kind of friend that she can be.

  4. Lili
    March 29, 2012 / 10:13 am

    Its not my intention to judge here but I believe people do have a choice in life. You might be unable to control your feeling (to fall in love with a married guy), but how about let your brain to be in charge (to end the affair).
    It’s really a matter of choice.

    One of my good friend is having an affair with a married guy. I certainly disagree with that (and she knows that) but i don’t judge, i don’t interfere and still be friend with her. Finally her sense comes to her and she told me that she can’t continue the affair as she “feels” for the boyfriend’s wife and kids. There is people who will get hurt for sure. I certainly agree with her decision and glad that finally she can “think”.

    Anyway its an interesting post Maureen, always enjoy to read your blog.

    • April 2, 2012 / 5:28 pm

      Hi Lili, of course life is about choices. I cannot answer on why one would chose to be with a married man/woman but I know where I personally stand on this. As someone who experienced firsthand what infidelities caused, I could never do that.

      That’s a good attitude that you have towards your friend and I’m glad to know she ended the affair. I can go on and on about infidelities/affairs because it’s a sore subject with me but yes, it hurts so much more. Heck, I still have some issues that I am struggling with after what happened so it’s something that runs very deeply.

      Thank you for joining in the conversation, Lili 🙂

  5. March 30, 2012 / 12:32 am

    There are always two sides to the story. What about the man? Why doesn’t the man ever have a name?
    My girlfriend had to cancel her wedding 2 weeks before it happened. She had found out her fiance was cheating on her.
    She was angry with him but she was enraged…like “I’m going to cut a ho” enraged at the girl. But it takes 2 to tango ya know.

    • April 2, 2012 / 5:34 pm

      Maybe the reasons why I shift the focus away from the man is because cheating men like this one are making me sick down to my stomach and wanna cut some balls?
      It does takes 2 to tango but for an affair it does takes 3…with the Wife usually blindsided by what’s going on other than the usual ugly gut feelings.
      Oh I can’t tell you how many times I felt like I could do some major rearranging to the biotch’s face that screw around with my ex, dude but hey…he got what he wanted and I’ll let Miss Karma do her job sooner or later y’know 😉

  6. March 30, 2012 / 11:45 pm

    It’s hard not to judge, and really brave of you to admit that you can actually feel for this other woman (a bit). I’ve known friends on both sides and it is eye-opening to see this.

    • April 2, 2012 / 5:35 pm

      It is hard because there I was sitting across this woman wondering if the Wife knew about what’s going on but I shook it off and try to actually get to know her and she did taught me to at least leave my judging glasses. Thank you, Maria.

  7. March 31, 2012 / 8:36 pm

    Great post. Women are always harder on the “other woman” rather than the man. He’s the one who stood at an altar and made a committment to his wife. The other woman didn’t make any such promise to her. Women are very naive to rely on other women to keep their marriage “affair free”. Their expectations on other females to have higher moral standards simply because they are women are very misguided. Never put your trust in other random women. Put your trust in the man who made a committment to you. And if it is broken put the blame where it belongs – on him.

    • April 2, 2012 / 5:43 pm

      Thank you.
      Great points! It is the men who stepped outside the marriage boundaries. I’ve seen and heard so many similar stories of how men would play the victims to win girls’ heart and eventually lulled them to having an affair because they are so miserable and unhappily married to their mean wives.
      I guess one of the reasons why women mostly put a higher moral standards to other women on this is because we thought from one woman to another, they would at least think about what pain it would cost the family, the children if they continue down this path of being involved with married men.They have choices to say NO to fall for married men. Some married men does have issues in staying faithful and here especially where I live, is so common it’s like a public secret.
      I love your comment tho…thank you for commenting. 🙂

  8. April 12, 2012 / 7:08 am

    I agree with you. I think it’s impossible and wrong to judge anyone based upon what we think we know of their life’s circumstances. I think being a mistress is wrong, but I know that many mistresses are mistresses because some guy convinced them of something that they (the mistress) believed because they are in love. And that’s sad. That’s the tragedy of it. It’s tragic that, in many ways, they are victims, too.

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