What did you see in this picture?
Yes, that’s a picture of me, taken on my last night in Upstate, NY before Mr. X and I moved to Alabama.
The girl in the picture tagged me yesterday and I was blown away by the look I had on it.
I could barely recognize myself.
No, it’s not about me being ‘smaller’ in that picture just because it was taken before I had my son.
No, it’s not about me having more hair either.
It’s something deeper…
It’s that look behind my eyes…
It’s what I saw inside, behind that big wide smile. Something hidden.
That picture was taken 7 years ago.
Not quite that long ago but the changes, the differences I saw were enormous.
Then, I was considered a newlywed who just gotten married to someone who I thought was the love of my life in one September afternoon in 2005. I should’ve been happy right? Not really! I said YES way too fast, I packed up and left everything way too fast. I had unrealistic expectations that being married will ‘rescue’ me…will complete me!
So when skeletons were popping out of the closets here and there, when reality didn’t meet my rose tinted dreamy hopes, I felt betrayed! By life, by love.
I couldn’t find happiness from within me…
I projected the hollow hole inside my soul to him who felt he failed to make me happy.
It was just a matter of times really before he started looking outside the circle of trust. No, this is not me blaming myself. I am done with that. I OWNED my mistakes, my shares.
That girl in the picture had a cold harsh of reality when she realized that being married didn’t make her happy. Yes, there were happy moments of course but mostly she felt empty. She felt trapped.
That girl in the picture felt imprisoned by her circumstances without any ways out. She didn’t know that she NEEDS to fill that hole in her soul herself. Not hanging the responsibility around someone else’ neck.
They moved down South and she sinks deeper into her unspoken sorrow that she managed to masked it all on from everyone she knows. She puffs away her pain with every inhale. She sinks deeper. She became an expert in hiding it all behind a big wide smile.
She lived with those demons without even realizing it!
Fast forward seven years later…
See this picture!
I stand taller because I’ve been through hell and back. I accept that no one else is ever to blame for either my joy or my suffering. I am in charge of how I truly feel, I am in control. Either I could take what happened to me and give unnecessary spotlight to the negativity or I could turn it around and use it as a lesson instead, albeit I have to learn the hard ways most of the times.
My eyes no longer pretending because I had found the key to my own happiness.
It may take a long and winding road to get to where I am today. Took a postpartum depression, some infidelities, divorce, weight battles, very close suicide attempts, horrible choices in men that left too many heartaches, to turn things around.
Feels like my whole life has been shaken to the core to be rebuilt a new.
And in that rebuilding process that I finally found ME!
The person I really am was borne through all the pain, all the tears.
Finding that strength inside me, finding my inner peace, finding joy is what completes me as a person, as a woman, as a mother to my son.
Yes of course sometimes she would pop out of the ashes of my past and scared the hell out of me. She would remind me of all the ugly things, the bad stuffs.
And I had to fight to silence her, to cast her away. I am learning to deal with her better and better with each and every new day that life blessed me with.
Keeping the joy and peace within me intact so I can fully live a life full of happiness.
Here I stand, taller, braver and much stronger.
Knowing I defeated the old me.
I won and I shall continue to love myself, to grow as a woman.