For the past few months I’ve carried a huge heavy cloud of fears above my head. It’s invisible to the outside world.
I am fortunate to have a partner who truly holds compassion and kindness in his every essence of being. With him I shared my fears. I let my guards down and wept for the worst case scenario that might happen in my son’s life. He allowed me to be sad but never self-pity.
Gently with a firm loving gesture he helps me shift my focus.
From that motherly instinct to protect your child from pain to just be completely there for him as he digest the circle of life.
“He needs to know he is loved, M. No matter what the circumstances are in life.” My partner, D would say.
Parenting Without Bubble Wrap
As I struggle with my ex-husband’s ugly prognosis. He has stage 4 lungs cancer and it doesn’t look good. I found myself in a deep sadness. Sadness for him, the father of my son. Sadness for my son who took the news better than I expected. Sadness for his new family. Sadness for his whole family.
I wanted to wrap my son and protect him from the ugly truth.
Yet I can’t bubble wrap him to downplay how serious his father’s condition really is. I thanked my ex for explaining his condition to our boy in a way that made him hopeful for his father’s recovery. Yet, there’s still a part of me that feel devastated and full of what ifs.
“All we could do is love him hard and be there for him.” My D would gently remind me whenever he sensed I am losing my balanced and panic crept in.
Then it hits me, if I panic my son would picked up on that vibes and might start panicking too. I am after all the grownup in this situation. I’m the one who has been through loss, sets of grieves and sorrows. When I am calm and collected and reassured him that the turbulence is just a few moments in our lives that we will sail through it with love and hope.
Realizing I could not shield my son from pain, from disappointments, from troubles. Bubble wrap or whatever shield I may use would only paralyze him from the chance to grow lifted the heaviness in my heart in a way. Every moments in his life is a teachable moment. Given opportunity for him to learn about how life works.
We survived the end of his parents’ marriage. We will survive whatever life will bring to us next. I will hold his hand and assured him that what may feel like pain, tribulations, challenges and disappointments are given to us, to him to allow him to become the person he was born to be. A loving, kind, responsible human being.
We discussed openly about his father’s cancer. I asked how he feels and I try to answer his questions as much as I could. From what caused the cancer to will I get one myself or not. His growing mind needs reassurance.
Universe Has Your Back
Two Fridays ago, as I tidy up my desk at work (yes I went back to work, more about that on a later post), one of the bosses asked me what I had planned for the weekend.
“I’m taking my son to see his father tomorrow.”
Then the short talked somehow led me to share with her about my ex’s cancer. The genuine concerned look across her face made my voice trembled a little.
“Maureen, do you want to talk to one of our counselors here? I’m sure they’ve dealt with this before and they could guide you to help your son through these difficult times.”
My voice shake, tears started to fill my eyes as I thanked her and said I would accept all kinds of support I could get as I realized we will need the help.
Again, the Universe sends people my way that bring kindness when life feels suffocating. Sometimes help comes in the most unexpected ways. As if life tap you on the shoulder and whisper “Everything will be fine, my child. Just trust the process and be grateful always no matter what.”