‘Tis the season to be merry…
Yet here I am, typing this with loneliness about to leak from the rim of my sanity.
Just when I thought I’ve already had so much to juggle, such a busy life as a single mom I can’t seem to shake these feelings off. Yes, I am surrounded with my big crazy loving family layered with lots of awesome friends – which I am so thankful for but there’s a suppressed feeling of loneliness that I’ve been shoving aside for ages.
And when it leaks, I am a hot mess!
After rebuilding my life all over again, I’ve been trying so damn hard to stay strong and independent, trying to create positive focuses in my life to lift the spirit. Infidelities really did some damage on my part that honestly, I’m still working on.
So yes, I feel loneliness chewing me inside.
Why Not Dating Again?
“You’re still young…there’s still plenty of chances out there for you. Plenty of fish in the sea!” one dear friend encouraged me when I lamented about my bleak dating history.
Plenty of fish in the sea alright! But not in this part of the sea.
Maybe because I am not like everyone else…well I know I’m not like everyone else but if you should ask me my ‘man-wish-list’ then without being racist or anything I would put Caucasian on my list. For the past 14 years, I haven’t dated any Asian men. I did date Indonesian guys before but it didn’t work out, obviously. Growing up surrounded by Caucasians and from liberal parents also being in the States for awhile, I think I’m more attracted to those who are open-minded, self-sufficient man who can appreciate an opinionated woman without fears of me stepping on their ego. Maybe if I meet an Indonesian guy with these traits or have the same experience we’ll be compatible but I haven’t met one so far. Hmm…I see a future post discussing more why – maybe one day I will.
Young, nice bloke in Jakarta is a rare breed.
See now why it’s so difficult for me to date here?
Online dating? Meh! I tried that. Doesn’t work for me. I tried one dating service once and guess what all my ‘matches’ are not located anywhere near Jakarta.
I had unfortunately turned into a skeptic when it comes to a long-distance relationship.
Fighting It No More
After my last date – which dated back to six months ago, I decided to step back from the dating world. It’s really exhausting and I feel like my dating skills are rusting. From the ‘why didn’t he call?’ to the many other questions that left me felt too tired to play the field.
Yet at these times of the year when happy faces of whole families being plastered from Christmas cards to Christmasy ads, I can’t restrain these feelings.
I miss being with someone who can see me way past my boobs size. Seriously, I guess I just miss the companionship of being in a relationship. That’s all and especially around the holidays times.
And I have come to a conclusion that it’s OK to feel this way. That it’s normal. That it just means I’m only human. I just can’t let this loneliness drag me down deeper than it already is. That I should instead enjoy the freedom of being single and continue working on myself first and foremost.
Even when I know I’m not ready for anything serious right now it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to hold my hand other than my 5 years old.
Are you a single mom? How do you deal with loneliness especially around Holidays?