The reactions I’ve been getting about my coming-out-post from friends both in real life and online has been overwhelmingly beautiful that I’m still feeling speechless.
Again, I wish I could reach in and give each one of you a hug to say thank you.
Part of me is still grieving over this. The past six months have been hell and it might get bumpy or even worst before the sea would be calm again. My grieve started back then but this time it feels more real as I was still hoping to try and fix things up before. Now that I know it’s really over…strangely I feel numb. The first month after I moved out of the apartment, I was in a zombie state. My family almost had to force feed me, I didn’t want to leave the house, didn’t want to see anyone, I was angry, I cried me a river. Now I can smile but making peace with this all is still a journey.
Losing someone you love through an end of a marriage somehow feels like death. You are burying those hopes you held in your heart when you first got married, those dreams now crushed, it feels like half of you has been ripped apart.
Some of my friends said that it was brave for me to come out and say it out loud. Some of you told me I’m strong…
Yet, inside I didn’t feel strong or brave. Yes, it was liberating to come out and stop pretending. Feels like a huge burden has been lifted off of my back. But part of me feels ashamed…raw… as if by coming out I’m telling the world that I had screwed up, that I am a failure.
“You can’t control the actions he chooses or the path he takes…” the words of my counselor from months ago feels like a mantra now.
I am not the perfect wife. My mistakes are plenty and I owned each and every one of them and had apologized to him wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, that’s not enough to mend something that has been broken for years.
As much as I had come to accept the facts that it is really over, that I had made up my mind to love myself and my son more and walk out with my head held up high knowing I had done everything humanly possible to fix the marriage…why do I still feel numb inside? Why do I still cries silently at night…
Maybe these are all part of the grieving process…
Today, I finally took out all of our pictures off of the frames being displayed on my parents’ shelf. Had left them alone before because I could not bring myself to even glance at those smiling hopeful faces. Shinning a light, I’m trying to see it as a step towards healing. He will forever be part of my life since we have a child together but by taking those pictures down feels symbolic in a way. That I am ready to move on and healing will come soon enough.
@tatterscoops more people know= more support u'll receive & the more u'll realize that u're loved by so many people. Bestofluck, dear 🙂
— Hanifa Ambadar (@hanzkyy) September 21, 2010