I looked down into my palms the other day…
Inspected my hands, my fingers carefully.
No more traces.
The mark was long gone although once in awhile I can still feel the faint traces of the scaring inside my heart. It doesn’t ache anymore.
Thought I had buried my past and let it go. Thought I had said goodbye to the final pieces of them.
Until two days ago…
When panic came covering me up like a heavy cold wet blanket.
Suffocated my heart, filling my head with doubts.
The usual ‘what ifs’ and what not returned.
Tears poured again because I hate hate hate being in that spot where fears crippled me. The negative self talks. I hate it yet they managed to return.
Fears of being this close to someone…so close he can see the scars I’ve hidden for so long.
Fears of the unknown territory…
Fears of being this vulnerable…
Couldn’t find my voice when we talked so I let words described how I feel to him or at least that’s what I hoped for.
His answers came as clear as a bright blue sky with gentle winds that soothes my worries, my doubts, my fears, my qualms.
There were no empty sweet promises. Never that.
No undying love affirmation.
Nothing but honesty…
He made me realize that what we have is real not make belief. He showed me that his words and feelings are real. That his hopes and dreams are real. His actions are real.
He reached out his hand for me to hold.
“Life is full of magic; every second has magic in it, just look for it. See what others can’t; believe what some are scared to believe. Walk where others fear to tread and be the person you know in your heart you can be.”
He saw my scars, he knew my past. He’s not afraid. He accepts me completely and encourages me to always be the best that I could be.
Tears swell in the corners of my eyes again.
But this time not from fears, not from doubts.
My heart sighs with a gentle relief that only two lovers recognize.
There’s an unspoken commitment that only two souls, two hearts can feel. Something much deeper, much stronger than the mediocre stuffs I’ve seen before.
“Your past has NOTHING to do with your future, apart from some great lessons learned, so if you feel ready, lets go…”
And with that, I place my hand on his and get our journey started.