I’m Still Alive

As some of you already know, I’ve been taking a break from blogging for nearly a month now and I can’t thank you guys enough for all your wonderfully sweet and supportive response both through my last post, Twitter and emails.

My life as the way I know it has changed drastically in the past few weeks. No, the changes don’t come as surprise…it all started over 6 months ago actually but this time I am done with pretending that things are alright.

Lil’ A’s life and mine have been altered…

I tried so hard to fight it, to resist the changes but that epiphany came in the past few weeks. Sometimes you can’t resist changes and it is better to embrace and accept that it had happened when fighting over it clearly had become a losing battle.

Today, I can finally admit that I had been living a dual life and it is getting harder and harder to pretend so I’m going to stop. Before, I was afraid to become the talk of the ‘town’ as Indonesian loves to gossips but not anymore. Screw the gossipers…

As I had come to accept this as part of my life that I could never erase, the journey is still long with complicated process ahead of me, ahead of us.

I have been separated from Lil’ A’s father for over 6 months and my marriage is over.

There, I said it…

The realization came last week as I lay down in a clinic about to get some injections on my severe acne (thanks to those nasty skin supplement pills I took). The doctor and I were discussing pills that can help fighting this acne from inside. She explained that it’s a strong pill, women are not supposed to get pregnant within a least a year after they took them because it can harm the baby.

Are you married?” she asked as she prep my face for the injections

No. I’m divorced.”

My own answer shocked me as I had never uttered those words ever before and surprisingly…it doesn’t hurt to say it out loud.

Yes, my marriage had come to an end. The divorce proceeding are still being taken care of so officially he is still my husband but I have been living a single mom’s life for half a year now (more if you counts them carefully).

Deep inside…I had finally set him free. As painful as it is…

I had embraced it, I had accepted it…the pain has been my best friends for over 6 months now and I’m starting to see the truth in the old saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

For now, I can only pick up the pieces and move on. There’s a little boy who depends on me to stay strong even when there are still days where I don’t even want to get out of bed and face the hard cruel reality. Still, I have no other choice. There are days when I feel like I’m in an autopilot mode but there are days where the pain doesn’t feel so obvious anymore.

Things would only get better…and I’m going to fight for a better life for myself and for Lil’ A.

So yes, I’m still alive and kickin’…



  1. September 21, 2010 / 7:21 pm

    I’m sorry that you are dealing with the pain from this. I hope that this is step one in making yourself feel better about all that is happening

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:31 am

      Marsha, thank you so much. Writing has been therapeutic for me so I’m hoping by opening up it will help me along the way.

  2. September 21, 2010 / 7:22 pm

    I’m so, so sorry, Maureen! I know you love your Lil Man, so keep on keepin’ on. Just take it a day at a time. Thinking of you.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:33 am

      Liz, thank you so much. I am trying to take it one day at a time and that Lil’ Man is one of my biggest source of strength.

  3. September 21, 2010 / 7:22 pm

    Glad to see you back, your gonna be alright =)

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:35 am

      Thank you Crisc! 🙂

  4. September 21, 2010 / 8:05 pm

    I am so sorry to hear the news. I hope this is for the best for all of you. Be strong.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:36 am

      Sylvia, thank you. I have been praying for God to guide me in the past 6months and sadly it had to come to this.

  5. Lydia
    September 21, 2010 / 8:16 pm

    HUGS Reen!! I’m very sorry to hear this. Sending you love, prays & hugs all the way from here!!

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:37 am

      Thank you so much Lydia. You’ve been there from the beginning of my marriage as a friend so I really appreciate your friendship.

  6. Shelona
    September 21, 2010 / 8:42 pm

    My dearest Oyen,
    every time I run, I say a prayer for each person that comes into my mind. Every step of my marathon journey is a meditation on the move. I’ve been running for a long time, have done many marathons and run races. You and your family are always in my mind every step of the way. Loosing someone you love is only the beginning….but you are a very strong person-you will be alright. Big hugs and kisses for you and Alex.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:39 am

      Usi Sher, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayer. You had been there since the beginning too and I can’t thank you enough for your wisdom. Hugs you back!

  7. Emmy
    September 21, 2010 / 8:57 pm

    Sending you and Little A Big Hugs from us

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:39 am

      Em, you have been a God’s send too. Thank you so much for being my friend and for all your kindness.

  8. September 21, 2010 / 9:44 pm

    Sorry to hear about this. It takes courage to share this to the world. Sending you and Alex love and hugs. I hope everything will get better in time. xoxo

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:41 am

      Heidi, it’s not easy but maybe as much as it will helps me healing by opening up one day it might help someone else in the same situation as you know us Indonesian tends to keep these kinds of ‘tragedy’ as a hush-hush.
      Thank you so much, Heidi!

  9. September 21, 2010 / 10:26 pm

    You’re a wonderful, clever, loving, strong woman. You and your child will be right as rain!

    Also: your skin looks fabulous! And I love the haircut! 🙂

    Chin up, girl. You know we love you.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:42 am

      You’re a rockin girl for sure and I will have to consult you on that toughness 😀 And I love ya too!

      Thank you for your encouraging words.

      PS: That picture was taken before I start taking the supplements LOL.

  10. September 21, 2010 / 10:27 pm

    It takes a lot of courage to admit it to public, and it’s even much harder to admit it to ourselves. I’m still here if you need lending ears (or eyes and fingers through our BB hehehe). As Rumi says: “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” I believe better things are just around the corner (trust me, I’ve been there, done that!). Hugs and love from down under!

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:44 am

      So true Anita, admitting it to myself and accepting that this is how it is and taking that steps to finally do something and stop being a doormat really is hard and intimidating. Like I said, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me even when you are in another country. You are a special friend in my heart.

  11. Mindy
    September 21, 2010 / 10:32 pm

    I ain’t good in writing but one thing that I can say is that I hope you stay strong and I do know that you’ll be.


    • September 24, 2010 / 12:44 am

      Mindy, thank you, girl. 🙂

  12. September 22, 2010 / 3:18 am

    oh…I’m so sorry. But you know already that you’ll survive even if it’s going to be hard. Done that, been there.
    It’s great you’re honest – for yourself.
    Don’t worry what others might think or gossip – you can’t control other people what ever you do.
    Take care!

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:46 am

      Thank you so much. I will have to grow a thicker skins especially when it comes to dealing with my relatives here. As for others (non-family wise) I had realized now that they can talk till they are blue in the face but they don’t know everything and it’s not their life.
      Thank you again!

  13. September 22, 2010 / 3:28 am

    I’m so sorry to hear you and your son have been going through that. Virtual hugs to you…

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:47 am

      Thank you so much! Virtual hugs counts too 🙂

  14. September 22, 2010 / 3:58 am

    Hang in there girl!

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:47 am

      Shell, thank you so much!

  15. September 22, 2010 / 4:20 am

    So sorry Maureen to hear of your heartache. My heart goes out to you. I know that you are a strong woman and will be ok. Hang in there. One day at a time. I shared a song on my blog yesterday called “Hide” by Joy Williams. You should listen to it. **HUGS**

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:48 am

      Lish, thank you so much for your uplifting words and that song you gave me is so perfect. It speaks right through my heart.

  16. September 22, 2010 / 4:36 am

    Best wishes to you and Lil A in these difficult times.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:49 am

      Amanda, thank you so much!

  17. Mila Couch
    September 22, 2010 / 7:11 am

    Even though I don’t know you in person but it hurts me to know what you’ve been going through. I hope things goes well with you and Lil A. *big hugs*

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:50 am

      Mila, thank you so much for your kind words. I always enjoys your visits here.

  18. September 22, 2010 / 8:42 am

    That takes courage, don’t get down. You are a strong woman!

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:51 am

      I don’t feel like I’m that strong but I hope I will reach that point, Sonia. Thank you.

  19. September 22, 2010 / 9:07 am

    bless you for your courage, go forward now. Be as strong as you can. Take care of your Lil one.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:51 am

      Jane, my friend, thank you so much for your kind words. Hugs!

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:52 am

      Thank you Joey, I am accepting the fact that I still need sometimes to grieve before I can move on to my next block that is healing.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:54 am

      Verena, your kind words help me a lot. Believe me. Hugs!
      Thank you so much and I will check out your link. My face is better now 🙂

  20. September 22, 2010 / 8:47 pm

    Maureen! I was so excited when I saw your post pop up into my email!

    I’m glad to hear that you finding acceptance and I hope you know you have my prayers! I’ve thought about you a lot over the last month hoping to see another blog post from you. I hope that Lil ‘A is doing okay with it all.

    We love you and I’m glad to see a post from you today!

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:55 am

      Kate, I have missed you and your blogs a lot!

      I’m sorry I haven’t reply to your last email. I’ve been staying offline most of the times but now I’m back.

      Also, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers. I really believe in their power.

      Love you too, my friend!

  21. MamaOnDaGo
    September 22, 2010 / 10:18 pm

    You know I’ve missed you! I’m sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re going through. I’m glad you’re being strong and moving on. Loving the new do.

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:57 am

      Thank you so much, girl! I’ve missed you too a lot and I’m so thankful for your messages on twitter. They helps me a lot.

  22. kris
    September 22, 2010 / 11:11 pm

    you worded this just perfect tatter! i am so sorry your hurting. just know you are doing everything right. you an amazing mother and alex is going to turn out perfect. hang in there girl, i know life is not easy right now. you will get stronger and as the days pass it will get easier. you know i am always here for you girl.
    love you, kris

    • September 24, 2010 / 12:58 am

      Kris, I don’t know if I could ever be this strong if you wasn’t there! Although you are thousands of miles away but you were the one that always keep me strong and I can’t thank you enough for your support. I love you more than words, girl!

  23. September 23, 2010 / 1:07 am

    I’m so sorry. It takes time to grieve for any loss in life, and this is a huge one. Give yourself permission to grieve, but at the same time, take opportunities to try new experiences. Start new traditions with your son, and make new memories.


    • September 24, 2010 / 1:00 am

      Margaret, thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to grieve. In my blog I can ‘bear it all’ and put my feelings into words where in my real life I keep it all inside. I am putting myself out there trying to enjoy life again by doing new things. I love your ‘new traditions’ idea. Thank you so very much. God bless your beautiful heart. Hugs!

  24. September 23, 2010 / 1:15 am

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope in the end, things are better and you get to live the life you want- happily! (hugs)

    • September 24, 2010 / 1:02 am

      Thank you so much, Ashley! Hugs!

  25. September 23, 2010 / 1:27 am

    Turns out your blog was already in my reader. I just never seem to be able to make it that far down in my list.

    I read your last post and this one. I don’t know your whole story but I have a little boy too who is almost 4 years old. He is my entire heart and he has such a caring soul inside. I think hardship is sometimes easier to face when you know you have such a wonderful person that you have created and are shaping and molding into that which we need more of in this world. Hugs to you.

    • September 24, 2010 / 1:03 am

      So true, Fadra! All it took is one hug or one little kiss from my boy and I can feel his love wrapping me tightly and that is what gets me through most days where I feel like I’m in a dark deep hole.

      Thank you so much for your beautiful words! I’ll be catching up with your blog too. 🙂

  26. September 23, 2010 / 2:21 am

    Just wanted to send you hugs.

    • September 24, 2010 / 1:04 am

      Thank you so much, Nolie!

  27. indrii
    September 23, 2010 / 2:31 am

    Hi Maureen, I have been a reader of your blog, a silent reader, so to say. But for this post, I have to express my support for you and Lil’ A.

    I wish you and Lil’ A the best in the next step in life. May you both be strong!

    • September 24, 2010 / 1:05 am

      Hi Indrii, first of all thank you for being a reader here. And thank you for your support and kind words. Really appreciate it!

  28. September 23, 2010 / 11:47 pm

    Hugs to you my friend. I know how difficult this must be. But you are so strong, and you are doing it! And you’ve got a ton of support – we’re all here for you 🙂

    • September 24, 2010 / 1:06 am

      Natalie, thank you so much! I am so blessed with so many people that care and supports me through this darkest time. Love ya, girl!

  29. September 24, 2010 / 2:48 am

    You are one brave girl! And not just for doing something so courageous as ending a relationship that no longer serves you even when it seems like it’s the hardest thing in the world to do. Your braveness also shows in your willingness to share your pain so candidly, secure in the knowledge that you if you took the leap and trusted, you would be supported. Bravo my dear!!
    I am sending thoughts of positive energy and strength your way and feeling very grateful that I happened upon your wonderful blog.
    Wishing you a peaceful transition to your new life…

    • September 28, 2010 / 3:42 pm

      Hi Tisha, thank you so much for your kinds and encouraging words. It really is not easy but I had come to accept that it had sadly come to an end and since writing has been very therapeutic for me it does helps me to ‘air it out’ although I decided not to disclose the real cause out of respects for him and my inlaws. Maybe if I can help myself in this transition phase like you said through writing then maybe it would help someone else down the line.

      Thank you again, Tisha!

  30. September 25, 2010 / 9:51 am

    You ARE still alive. And you’re still that lil boy’s momma. The end of something you thought would be forever, that sucks. It does. But it’s where you are and you will be strong for your kiddo. Happy to see the update, not the purpose of it. Peace, friend.

    • September 28, 2010 / 3:43 pm

      Thanks, girl! You are so right…if it wasn’t because of my son I would probably curled up in a hole die.

  31. September 26, 2010 / 7:26 pm

    I’m late on this sorry….Hugs to you – I’m so sorry you are going through this. But you sound like you are super strong – I guess having children can do this for us. I pray it works out for you!

    • September 28, 2010 / 3:49 pm

      Tina, no worries…I’ve been away from blogging for awhile and I too still haven’t catch up with everyone blogs but thank you so much for your kind words and your prayers.

  32. October 2, 2010 / 11:56 pm

    That which doesn’t conquer us, we conquer.

    We are here. And will always be.

    • November 21, 2010 / 9:39 am

      And that is why I admire you, wise Empress! Thank you so much for all your supports!

  33. Laura Prinsloo
    October 29, 2010 / 4:42 pm

    Hi Maureen,
    I just stumbled upon your blog and started reading it. I dont know you but after reading your blog, I really want to give you a HUGE hug!!! I will pray for you tonight and trust me God is besides you day by day to give you strength. Maybe similar to you, Im Indonesian by birth but New Zealander by heart 🙂 just recently moved back to Jakarta after living in NZ for more than 10 years.
    Btw, you are an awesome writer (I know because Im a publisher) so never stop writing ya!!

    • November 21, 2010 / 9:42 am

      Hi Laura,
      Your kind words really touched my heart, even coming from someone I didn’t know. Thank you! I would love to get to know you especially since you’re back in Jakarta again. That must be some adjustment you have to go through after living in NZ for more than 10 years, so yes, we have something in common.
      Thank you again, Laura…you’re the first publisher that told me this and you made my day! 😀

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