For as long as I remember…even long before I met Mr. X, I always dream of pink bows…I always wanted a baby girl.
Since the first time that drug store bought pregnancy test shows a positive sign, well actually since before I even got married …I always know I wanted a baby girl. Being the only girl in my family and since he already has two amazing boys…I always dream of that baby girl.
I even had a name picked out for her…a really beautiful name.
From day one we referred to our unborn child as she. I secretly whispered to her when I lay down in bed at night picturing her beautiful pink coming home outfit, thinking of the cute little pink bows she will be parading in town. When we went shopping my heart would skip a beat every time I see a cute tiny dress, if Mr. X thought I’m one nuts preggo
wife – he never say it, he would just smile and nodded when I told him how pretty she will look like in this dress or that skirt!
As my tiny bumps grow, I eagerly followed my mom’s old wives tales. It involved my wedding ring, a strand of my hair…I would loop that hair around the ring – a makeshift pendulum – then hang it on top of my tummy. Not moving my hand, I will anxiously watch where the ‘pendulum’ swing. If it swings back & forth it supposes to be a boy, left to right means a baby girl is on our horizon. So I was giddy with happiness when my ‘pendulum’ swing left to right.
I took that Chinese gender prediction chart but didn’t want to believe it when the result said we’re having a baby boy!
When it was time to find out about our baby’s sex – I had successfully convinced myself that we are indeed having a girl. So when the technician announced in her thick Southern accent “Congratulations you guys, you are having a baby boy…” I was shocked! Gripping Mr. X’s hand…I turned my face to the wall so our cheerful technician won’t see the tears, glad that the room was dimmed. “See that’s his penis…” she eagerly explained as I felt my dreams came crashing hard.
Mr. X held me tight in that dark room after we were done as I wept for the baby girl that never meant to be mine…ours. “It’s alright, Baby…” he whispered in my ears.
I’m embarrassed to say that it took a jolt of a severe preeclampsia diagnosis on the 30th week of pregnancy to make me really fell in love with our baby boy. The fear of having him too early, the 4 weeks of bed-rest, two hospitalizations later…I begged God to save our unborn baby. Guilt made my heart so heavy, I thought God was punishing me for wanting something else than what He already blessed us with.
“Mommy do love you, little man…” I would softly whisper while rubbing my belly as I feel him starting to kick and do somersaults. “Please hang in there…please be strong!”
He did hang in there like I begged him, we got to ‘baked’ him some more until my pregnancy reached 35 weeks. Tears streamed down my face the moment I heard his cries fill the cold operating room and I knew my heart had walked straight right out my body!
Holding him for the very first time – 3 days later after he was born I just know I would never trade him in for a thousand beautiful pink bows!
Now, flash forward almost 4 years later…I still think of what it would be like to have a baby girl, my uterus still startled whenever I see a cute little girl but as I put on my dress to go to church yesterday, I heard “Wow, Mommy beautiful! You look like a princess!” coming out sincerely from my little man, I know I would never have him any other way!
Wrote this post to celebrate Theta Mom’s First Blogiversary. Head over there to read more powerful and beautifully written posts.