“Mommy why are you laying down on Oma’s lap?” the boy was genuinely curious when he asked me that some days ago.
“Because she’s my Mama.” And I smiled as I felt my mother’s hand on my head.
Such simple gesture, such ease.
Yet brought me near to tears.
With every gentle stroke on my hair I felt love.
I felt her love covers me.
And that’s what I’ve been doing a lot lately, that’s what I needed. The love from my mother.
Being on my mother’s lap. We would talk. We would laugh. I opened up to her in ways I thought was impossible before.
As much as I love my mother our relationship hasn’t been the easiest.
For as long as I could remember, I always thought I’m Daddy’s girl, you know being the only girl and all that. So I always felt a great distance between my own mother and me. All of these years I thought she ‘belong’ to my brothers who could easily lay on her lap, hug her and kiss her while I find that hard to do.
Weird? Maybe but I had my reasons.
Now that walls has been knocked down and I see my whole dynamic with her differently… I can feel it. Dare I say I got to understand her a little bit more now than before? Because before our relationship wasn’t exactly the perfect kind.
We had so many bumpy roads behind us.
We are threading on a new bond right now. We are opening up trying to understand each other and in doing so found similarities that made me realized I am my mother’s daughter.
How thankful I am to be given this second chance to rebuild this mother-daughter connection, there’s not enough words to even describe how happy I feel deep inside.
Although my family is very loving beside being very silly most of the times, we are not the type of family who shower each other with praises or hugs. Growing up, hugs and kisses were reserved only for special occasions like birthday and Christmas or for the airport when we were still living apart.
I guess having my son was one of the reasons why I wanted to change that.
Having him makes hugging and kissing feels natural and oh, how I hug him and kiss him plenty whenever I can. He give my parents and my brothers hugs too.
Yet it’s still so hard for me to just come up to my parents and give them hugs.
Why? I can’t really explain why.
We relies on silent understanding that flows between us. We know we love each other we just doesn’t express them verbally much. Only on special occasions.
But I want to change that!
Laying on my mother’s lap…transported me back to my childhood because I don’t remember having moments like that when I was little. I’m sure she hugged me back then but my heart just couldn’t remember it.
So now we are weaving new memories, my mother and I. Someday soon I want to be able to look at her and say “Mama, I love you.” Then give her a big hug. Because I do love her so.