“You know that’s not gonna happen for a really long time…”
Sadly, I know my
best friend is right! And you know what they say, the truth hurts sometimes. Bless your heart for putting up with my barely-7-am- venting session, girl! Can’t thank you enough!
Woke up this morning with a question hanging, weighing on my mind making these shoulders dropped again. Maybe it was the bad horrible dream I had or maybe it was a short email I received today or purely PMS trolls. Who knows!
How to trust again?
After the hell I’ve been through – and still going through – the uphill battle to finally accept that what happened was meant to be, still leaving me with baggage need to be sorted out. One of that block is how to trust again or at least how do you re-learn to trust again? To open up and be vulnerable again?
How do you stop the deja vu of your past to haunt you in your new, current and fresh start?
Funny, how some words or places are capable to transport you back in the same spot you were before. That happened to me today…two insignificant words for others but meant nothing but horror painful memories dark enough to got me all teary eyed again and made me wants to crawl back in my cave of solitude.
Without even realizing, I am building my wall higher…too scared to let anybody in. Why? Because I don’t know how the hell am I gonna trust again! That’s why…and it’s sad to be robbed like this from your ability to trust, to have faith that not everyone is going to end up like your ex.
Last year I read that trust is like a delicate vase – an expensive China if you will. Once it is broken, you can glue them back together but the traces…the thin lines that show it was once broken would still be there.
Is that true?
On Taking Chances
My heart is at war with my head right now and it’s driving me insane. Insane enough to post this desperate dark post.
Thank God for the sanity voices manifesting through my best friend who I can’t thank enough for putting up with my daily rantings, my vents…my “What did I do to deserve this?” type of questions. Who reminded me to watch my steps because she had seen my mending heart being ripped again when I did take that chance. Who tried her best to reassured me that I deserve to be with someone who can love me with honesty and commitment.
I thought I was mentally ready…to put myself back out there. To date, to have fun but I wasn’t ready to get disappointed again which of course with taking chances would bound to come with the territory…the unknown. A new territory that seems promising yet too scary.
So I stopped, I took some rest and busting these inner demons trying to cast them away. Trying to pull my baggage out and sort them out. A painful task I might add but for me to stop stumbling from leaving it out laying on the ground, I must.clean.up! There are still untangling the mess that I need to iron out and it will take times but dammit, I want to live again…to move on!
Then why the hell did I freaked out now? When a chance came knocking on my door? When did I think I’m supposed to be unpacking my suitcases of nightmares? When I’m getting used to being alone.
The knocking gets louder and louder by the day. The pleading to let me unlock my heart and taking a chance gets intense causing my brain and my feelings arguing against one another. Bitching like two old wives. “He might be a good guy who meant what he said…you’ll never know!” versus “Oh, he’s just like the rest of them…a player! You just wait and see, lady!”
Oh, the noise can get pretty darn loud in my head – and that’s why I’m typing this at almost 11:30 tonight, way past my bedtime.
Do I dare to take that chance?
So many questions…so little answers in sight. Maybe I’ll just continue sorting my baggage out as I do not expect anyone to pick them up and carry them for me. I’m a big girl who needs a man to take my hands, not my baggage! Maybe only time will tell which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.
I read this quote today and oh how true!
“Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.” – Jean Kerr