Hello, I’m Anti-Social

leaf on a bench...Creative Commons Licensephoto credit: mscaprikell

In today’s very social world I think I’m not that social after all…

Did I catch your attention?

If you nod then that’s good! Why don’t you take a sit, while I pour coffee, or tea or whatever you like to drink.

Yes, I have enjoyed and savoring the online world a lot in the past decade. Have met and make great friendships along the way too.

For the past 10 years I had my share of fantastic meet-ups with people that used to be just pictures and names on the screen. The not-so-cool meet-ups were also part of the trade. Maybe it’s yin and yang…maybe it was just my luck, who knew for sure.

But since what happened in 2008, I found myself holding back a little from meeting these online friends/acquaintances in real life.

Chit chatting online and meeting in real life are different things and it always made me nervous.

Now that we’ve been living back fully in Jakarta for over a year now, I still don’t have that many friends in real life. Maybe I do suffer from being anti-social? Or I’m being too cautious? Could very well be!

One girl once told me “Hey, that mix couple group has regular gatherings in Jakarta, you should join them.

Honestly, I’d rather not. Call me cynical but let’s be honest, most of these so-called Mrs. Bule clubs are full of women totting designer purses, while parading their real cleavages.

Networking or beauty/rich competition? You be the judge!

I would rather meet real people that I knew online who are not shallow and will not inspect me from head to toe to see if they can spot a designer label attached on me. Oh yes, they would all be super sweet in front of you but then starts gossiping about you behind your back. Come to think of it, it’s actually the ‘aftermath’ that I can’t stand.

Back in the States, I had seen this type of ‘community’ and there were always catfights involved so I had kept my distance since we moved out of the States in 2008 and since I was backstabbed. Again, not all of these women are like these of course there are still real genuine people that I am lucky to call as friends.

One of my best friends – who is still single btw – can’t believe how tough friendships between Mrs. Bule can be when I told her all about it. Well, it’s real kiddo! I think Bravo could come up with a hit reality series of Real Housewives featuring these Mrs. Bule!

Yeah, I think I’d rather be somewhat anti-social than be part of the soap operas.

How do you feel about meeting your ‘online friends’ in real life?



  1. August 24, 2010 / 12:18 pm

    Well … same with me.

    There are a bunch of friends that I’d prefer not to see them, with the same reason like you. I have friends that I’d prefer meet them only through BBM instead of meeting them during lunch or after hours, just because their “look” when they saw me with my “traditional non label” designer.

    There’s also a bunch of friends that always spend their money at expensive restaurant, every month. I can’t afford that kind of life-style.

    So, if you ask me, well .. I may say that I think that I’m anti-social too. I have friends in my real life world but not much.

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:10 pm

      I’ve been subjected to the ‘look’ too because I just can’t justify buying designer labels hahaha.

      Thanks for sharing your own experience, Juin!

  2. August 24, 2010 / 4:21 pm

    It’s pretty much the same for me. I have a few friends in real life but don’t see them that often for various reasons, I have lots of acquaintances but there’s a massive difference. I found that since I married Rich and we had Piglet that several friends just drifted away, I was leading a different life to them and it’s hard to go out (both time-wise and financially!). I also don’t really do the whole competitive mothering thing so find baby groups etc more annoying than anything really.

    I would go as far as to say that some of my on-line friends are closer than real life friends to be honest but I’m not sure if I’d want to meet all of them. It’s very easy to portray yourself differently on-line and sometimes I think meeting an on-line friend can be a disappointment if they (or you!) are different than their on-line persona. Having said that, there are a few (you included) that I would love to meet one day as I’m fairly certain we would get on in real life as well as we do on-line. It’s a difficult one. Maybe it’s a case of us not being anti-social but just being social in a different way!

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:14 pm

      I’m with you, Sian. My old friends from college are mostly still singles so we doesn’t hang out as much as before but we do try to meet up once in awhile just to catch up. I feel you on friends that drifted away and I think it’s bound to happen as our interests starts to differs.

      I had try mother group when were still in America but that town was so small and there was only one group there. Guess what, I was the eldest LOL so it was hard for me to connect with them and decided to stop going.

      So true on how some of our online friends are closer than real life ones. You’re one of them for sure and I would love to meet you in person one day. You’re such a sweet sweet friend.

      Thanks, hun!

  3. August 24, 2010 / 5:03 pm

    I prefer to stay at home alone rather than listening bullshit. Sorry but I can’t stand hypocritical people. I’m very Scandinavian and I have only one way to be: honest. Sometimes it’s better to shut up but if asked I’m honest. I try to choose right words and not to hurt anybody but I can not lie or be something else.
    Honesty is top value for me.

    I don’t want fame or glory. I don’t want to fight with other women. I give up if I notice they are social climbers or that is their only goal in their life.
    In my past life I have experienced some fame and glory. I know how it feels. I don’t miss that kind of life at all. I love my privacy and want to keep it that way.

    I’m very disappointed life here in Casa. I thought it would be more European etc. but no. I don’t trust anybody. Anymore. People promise to call but never do. They talk a lot but do little.
    I’m happy about our decision to move out from here when one year full end of March. Then we go somewhere else or back to Finland.

    I call myself social hermit. I love people but I really like to be alone too! 🙂

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:17 pm

      You know what, I love that! Social Hermit! 😀 That describe it perfectly.

      Social climber – yeah, I’ve seen plenty of those too especially within the mix couple community and I just can’t stand it and I don’t think I have the patience to pretend to be nice when I’m around them so it’s better not to go see them.
      Sorry to hear that life in Casa isn’t as you expected but at least you got to experience a unique different culture and took some really fantastic pictures.

  4. August 24, 2010 / 7:07 pm

    I love being alone, Right now I’m not in school so I don’t have to deal with this kind of thing but when I’m out I hate it. I’m quite a sociable person but meeting new people scares me.
    On the subject of meeting people over the internet.. I think it’s a great thing. In fact I met my boyfriend through an MMORPG and I couldn’t be happier. That being said I’ve never met up with anyone else from the interwebs. I think I’d only do that at a conference thing, like blogher for example 🙂

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:19 pm

      Oh yes, blogher would be fantastic I think since we probably will meet some of our online blog friends and I really would love that. I’m dreaming of going to blogher too if I can find a sponsor because that’d be one heck of an expensive trip LOL.
      Thanks for sharing Gem! Always appreciate your comments.

  5. August 24, 2010 / 8:11 pm

    Your not alone! And I wouldn’t say your anti social more like careful. I don’t know how I would react if someone told me I would have to meet all my fellow bloggers tomorrow, I don’t think I would like it. Blogging for me is to be kept online! I’m a pretty shy/not face to face social kind of person.

    Loving your blog! I’ve added you on FB and I’m now following you on Twitter!

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:20 pm

      Thanks Sena, really appreciate it.
      I would say that I’m a bit shy too especially at first and I am trying to be careful.

  6. August 24, 2010 / 8:26 pm

    you’re very right – there are times when being anti-social is a GOOD thing!

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:21 pm

      Thanks Liz! 😀 Being anti-social to protect myself I guess isn’t such a bad thing afterall.

  7. August 24, 2010 / 8:56 pm

    I wish more of my online friends lived near me. B/c I feel like I know them already and could jump right into a conversation with them far easier than I could with someone whom I just met.

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:22 pm

      Oh Shell, how I wish that too. I find some online friends that I really thinks would make great friends in real life too. Too bad they all live so far away.

  8. August 24, 2010 / 9:54 pm

    I don’t think of friends I make online any differently than those IRL. In both worlds, there are great people, and people who will betray you or disappoint.

    I met AClosetWriter and WonderFriend last week and it was great fun meeting them for the first time and seeing that they are as funny and engaging in person as they are on their blogs.

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:23 pm

      That’s so fantastic you got to meet them, Gigi! I’ve only met a couple of bloggy friends but would love to meet you and some others one day – I can dream, right? 😀

      You’re spot on, IRL or online there will always be people who are just mean and will hurt you. Thanks girl!

  9. August 24, 2010 / 11:33 pm

    I’ve never been a real social butterfly myself. For me, I’d prefer to have a few really close friends than have a lot of casual acquaintances, so I shy away from a lot of social settings. And I agree with Liz… it’s not always bad being anti-social!

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:25 pm

      Good to hear your take on this because I’m having a bunch of acquaintances that I met from a forum and we’ve known each others for some years now. They’re friends on facebook but some of them are well not the type that I would really hang out in real life. So, I guess I better go clean up my Facebook lol.

  10. August 24, 2010 / 11:45 pm

    I think I’m overly cautious as well. Mostly, because I would rather be “lonely” for a lack of a better word than have social activities with a bunch of women who are rude & down right bitchy.

    I can’t afford a designer lifestyle right now either & if someone doesn’t want to be my friend because I don’t have the lastest LV bag then I don’t want to be friends with them either! lol

    Right now, my friends are my sisters, my mom, my MIL, my online buddies & a lot of girl cousins my age….now if only I could live in the same town as them that would be awesome! Or if I could hang out with you in Real Life I think that would be AWESOME!!!

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:28 pm

      Oh yes, the bitchy factors are what I’m trying to avoid at all cost.

      I’ve never been a huge designer fans – yes, some are cute but it’s really not my thing. Honestly, if I have the money I’d rather travel or buy lenses for my camera hahaha.

      Awww I would love to hang out with you too Kate! You’re one of my online friends that I wish I can meet in real life because you’re just too cool like that. Thanks, girl!

  11. August 25, 2010 / 12:28 am

    Some online friends, like you, are the kind of people I wish living nearby. I promise you that I won’t give you the ‘aftermath’ lol. I’m glad to hear somebody feels the way I feel. I just don’t actively seek for new people nowadays and the work that I’m doing also requires plenty of time spent in my own world:) The cynical side of me also feels that genuine friends are just harder to find.

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:29 pm

      Aww Heidi, you’re so sweet! Thank you! You’re one of those cool girl that doesn’t fall into the typical shallow Mrs. Bule. Too bad we’ve only met once. Remember that time? It was fun but there are of course some weird moments there hahaha.
      Your works are beautiful btw! I need to add your blog to my blogroll.

  12. August 25, 2010 / 12:30 am

    Sorry to hear the 4 breakups with ur besties Reen. Well guess it’s because people always seek for the love and attention the way they want , thus makes the competition inevitable for those who could never say enough..
    I do feel the same way as you, there are times when I kept thinking whether how anti-social I was and could be, but I’d rather say that Im the one who pick my own friends, not vice versa 😀


    • August 25, 2010 / 6:32 pm

      Thanks Wien!
      That’s an awesome way to see it…picking your own friends not vice versa! Love that.
      Honestly, I would rather meet new friends who have things in common such as blogging, photography, travel as they are my passions. Speaking of, when are we going to have some ‘kopdar’ again? 😀

  13. August 25, 2010 / 9:31 am

    Hey girlfriend, sorry to hear your heart was broken by unfaithful friends. I seem to be lacking a bit of history, however I will agree with Gigi, that both IRL & online there are good people worth meeting and fake people that are not worth your time or your friendship.
    Hope you can sort through the clutter and make room for the few that count. It’s okay to be prudent, but don’t close the door too soon!

    I only have a handful of close friends in real life (mostly one whom I talk to every day), it’s so hard since I’ve moved so much. However my friends today have more in common with me than friends I made in my younger years. It’s a factor of having the same interests (say, triathlon for example), being in the same life stage (new mom) and enjoying each other as well as supporting one another (mariage is hard work! we all need a friend to count on to vent, cry or laugh!).

    Thanks for posting this and I will be sure to respect you as our friendship grows, you can definitely count on that!

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:36 pm

      Thanks, Maryline!
      I guess I guarded myself up more after being called a drug-dealer among other things hahaha and it hurt more because it came from people that I thought were my best friends.

      Honestly, I’m pretty satisfied with the friends that I have now both in real life and online. I treasure them – yourself included!

      I really should grow some nerve to delete people on my Facebook that’s only acquaintances because some of them have other motives to meet me in person – as in to ‘inspect’ my life. Can’t really spill it out here but let’s say that person inspired me to wrote this.

      You’re wonderful, Maryline and I wish we live closer! 😀

  14. August 25, 2010 / 12:34 pm

    I’ve never met “online” friends in real life yet. You are brave but I do have to say, it is just like the saying “you win some, you lose some”. Don’t let a couple of bad experiences change who you are but you should ALWAYS exercise some caution:)

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:37 pm

      Thanks, Melissa…that is so true. I’m not limiting myself completely but I guess I’m being overly too cautious lately.

  15. August 25, 2010 / 1:58 pm

    How are you? I’ve been thinking of you but when I clicked the link from my blog, it went nowhere.
    This is an interesting piece because I actually had late lunch with friend I met through Twitter. She is a real person and a writer and we met 2 months ago after meeting through Twitter and then Problogger’s 31DBBB.
    It is something to be careful about. I am not meeting people I feel in my gut are not to be met. I enjoyed your piece and have subscribed so I won’t have a problem finding your blog again.
    Have a great week!

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:40 pm

      Hi Eliz, I’m good thank you. So sorry you had problem finding my blog it might got something to do with me changing the layout and everything. Thank you for subscribing. Really appreciate it.

      So true about the gut feelings…I know I have a hard time telling people no and refuse to meet them because I don’t want to let them down but in doing so I ignored my gut feelings and sometimes it turned out ugly at the end.

      That’s so wonderful to hear you met someone from Twitter and 31DBBB!

      Thanks Eliz, h0pe you’ll have a great week too.

  16. August 25, 2010 / 6:35 pm

    I still have a bit of anxiety that people I know from online would rob or murder me in real life.

    It’s a very 1998 perspective.

    • August 25, 2010 / 6:41 pm

      Joey, your comment makes me chuckle 😀

  17. HS
    October 1, 2010 / 8:09 am

    Hi Maureen,

    I agree with you on this on the friendship thing.
    I’d rather have 1 or 2 close friends who I can talk whatever in my mind than having shallow friendship who talks BS about designer bags and all that crap which I think is superficial .

    Thank goodness I’m too freaking lazy and anti social to hang out w/ “mrs indonesian – bule” club in here and happy to become a hermit in my own simple life.

    I think those meetups are kinda bragging events to judge which bag you have or how freaking rich is your spouse by the designer look you have….lol…

    I never attend any meetup and content with my own life and that’s it…

    I ‘d rather keep my old dependable friends than add some new “questionable” ones.

    It’s the quality, not the quantity when it comes to friendship.

    I wish you well and hope you’ll be strong during your difficult time.

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