Glimmers of Hope

Do you read horoscopes or astrological signs on magazines or even online?

Rainy marguerite macro II
Creative Commons License photo credit: tillwe

Sometimes I read them for fun, nothing serious. If I happen to be skimming through one of my mom’s trashy tabloids and it’s there yeah, I’d read it.

Somehow, I landed on a specific video on YouTube two nights ago. At first I was like “Oh, another mumbo jumbo about planets!” so I fast forwarded a bit then hit play. Just when I was about to close it down. The soft voice of the lady froze my finger mid air.

You had a vision of your life and how it would be and what you discovered in the past 2 years or so…it’s just like a giant big wrecking ball came and wiped it all away. Your life was dramatically altered for you. Things has not gone to plan. Two years ago you were dealing with the wrecking ball feeling of this. Destruction of something in the part of your world.”

My jaws dropped…followed by my tears

Silently in the dark room, right next to my peacefully sleeping boy I started sobbing as this lady’s voice ‘talk’ to me. This lady who was coincidentally or not was saying things so spot on about how my life has been in the past two years.

Altered Visions

No one wish they would get a divorce or wake up to face their biggest fears of confronting their cheating spouse and realizing everything has gone ashtray. To wake up and faced the final curtains.

Just like most girls, I used to dream of the whole beautiful wedding gown, its veil and such. Of walking down the aisle with my dad holding my hand before handed me, his only daughter to the hand of that one man I will spend the rest of my life with.

Yes, I got married. Not in a church but I got married to the man I thought forever was real and without any of my family presents.

I dreamed of babies…I dreamed of pink bows and I got a beautiful baby boy who makes me the proudest mama ever.

I never thought after having a baby I would hate everything but it happened and it only took nearly 4 years to find the name for those demons.

When everything started to fall apart I blindly tried to hang on. Bent myself over backwards, tried to patch those holes to keep the ship afloat without realizing the captain had physically and mentally flee. It wasn’t until the water reached chest high and my bones shivering from the bitter coldness that I realized I better start swimming or I will simply drown.

My hopes were dashed…killed.


Did I ‘properly’ grieve? I’m not quite sure. Yes, the first couple of months after I left him felt like a haze. All I could remember was I cried and rocked myself so much alone in a bedroom that belong to one of my brothers. I can’t eat let alone function. Honestly, I can’t remember much except for the sharp pain and the numbness.

Even when I thought I was used to the pain – after trying so hard to work things out – prior to me moving out, things has been hellish and hard. But facing the reality was even scarier than I thought.

Maybe I was on auto pilot mode…yeah, maybe I was. Then as I realized I still have a son who needs me much. I just plow through. One day at a time.

Wish I can get Xanax or something to help me through but nope…not even a counselor. Just some self help books and dear dear close friends. But sometimes I still wonder if that’s even enough? Did I grieve enough? Or I just suppressed them so no one can see it?

Just the way I went to covered it all up on this blog and didn’t come out about it until many months later. After writing daily about a happy family that didn’t even exist anymore. How pathetic is that? Yeah, I did that.

My friends thinks I’m strong when in reality I’m not that strong. I still grieve and still cried once in awhile. Not as much as I used to but the grieves from the demise of my marriage is still there.

I don’t want to be that girl, you know the one who keep talking about how her ex messed her life up so bad but I honestly feared I was slowly becoming her. I don’t want my blog to be such a depressing blog. There was so many bitterness inside me. Still so much pain. And when people say “You’re now divorced, get over it!” I feel like woaa wait till you get one and try telling yourself that! Maybe people deal with grief differently.

Ripples of Hope

This year will be the 2 years  since I moved out and left him. He has now remarried and moving on. So why can’t I?

I broke one toe nail many years ago from doing white water rafting. Now if you see that nail, it looks perfectly normal but the numbing pain still comes and goes.

Will my heart mend like my toe? I’m sure it will eventually.

Almost two years…I should be further away from the epic center of the earthquake that shook and shattered my world. The destruction was done, my life has changed forever. I can now clean up and rebuild.

Last year I was still too close to the epic center. I can’t even bring myself to go to weddings. But next month, I’m going to one. Yes, there will be moments where sadness would find me again – as part of life – but I’m hoping it would be far and few in between now.

Now, nearly two years later, I am moving out from the epic center. The further away I get,  I hope I’ll get new visions of what my future will be like. That I can sense happiness again. To feel joy. To feel little glimmers of hopes.

Compare to the way it was, this should be enough to keep me going. So I will keep my eyes open and write down those glimpse of moments of hopes, of joys throughout this year. Let’s see how many posies  I can make by the end of this year.

I submitted this post to Shell’s famous Pour Your Heart Out because well these are the things that I can’t really say until I decided to throw it out there.



  1. January 18, 2012 / 7:47 pm

    For someone who has been through so much in such a little time span, this post holds and eminates so much hope. Hang on to that with everything you have girl. That hope? Will carry you back onto your feet and back on that path that you were meant to travel.
    You can do this and I know that you can. I’m new to your blog and I had to read back some…PPD is a beast that rocks the very foundation that you stand on…I’m so sorry that you had to experience that demon. But your moving. And that is a beautiful thing.
    Sending gentle hugs and lots of strength. You can do this.

    • January 20, 2012 / 9:58 pm

      Your words…they are more than sweet. They brought me tears, not from sadness but from thankfulness of how amazing the support this small blog can bring. Thank you so very much. It means so much more than I can put in words here.

  2. January 18, 2012 / 8:51 pm

    I love your honesty in your writing, and you are a good writer. People shouldn’t tell you to just “get over it” as it was a big part of your life and I don’t know if you ever totally get over it, but you move on the best you can. Time will heal some wounds, but the most important thing is to not lose hope because good people like you will find goodness in your life. It may take time, but it will happen!

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:00 pm

      Maria, my friend…you know how much I appreciate you and all your supports. Thank you very much. It’s friends like you that reminds me that people do care and not everyone have a whip on their hands and says “Knock it off already!”.

  3. January 18, 2012 / 9:42 pm

    Good for you for taking the time to heal. xo

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:01 pm

      Shell, thank you. And thanks for this meme – I should’ve join in from months ago 🙂

  4. January 18, 2012 / 10:15 pm

    You ARE strong – strong in that you’re swimming through even though you’d rather not always, strong in that you’re getting through it one day at a time, strong in that you’re doing what you have to do for your son.

    Everyone grieves differently. There is no “should” when it comes to getting over something so catastrophic. You just do what you need to do for you, and take all the time you need. I know you’re going to move forward now and find happiness again.

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:04 pm

      That’s what I finally realized, that people grieves differently and there shouldn’t be any definite time limits that we put to others or ourselves when it comes to it. People heals differently. Mine has been slow maybe because it’s not a ‘regular’ divorce where two people came to a decision together based on facts that they are just ‘growing apart’ like in movies.

      Really appreciate your kind words, Jen.

  5. January 18, 2012 / 10:37 pm

    I am so sorry for your pain. I know how overwhelming it can seem and that it’s hard to see any end in sight. But.. it will get better, and you will come out stronger and happier.

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:05 pm

      Amen! That’s what I’m hoping this year will bring…more strength and happiness. Thank you very much Tara 🙂

  6. January 18, 2012 / 11:59 pm

    So what, exactly IS strength? What is the defining line that makes you think your friends are wrong? Is it weak to hurt? Is it weak to admit to your devastation? I hope not. I think willingness to wear your grief as a part of your person makes you stronger. I don’t think this will heal quite like the toenail. But I do think you will always have moments where you feel sorrow and loss. Please, don’t feel that these emotions cheapen you.

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:06 pm

      Jessie, you are brilliant. Thank you for your thought provoking questions. It made me think and look way deeper within myself. Again, thank you!

  7. January 19, 2012 / 12:46 am

    This is so beautifully written. Your pain is so real in your words, and I hope that every day brings you fresh hopes and joys.

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:08 pm

      Lisa, thank you. I’m hoping to collect those hopes and joys and be grateful for them all 🙂 It hasn’t been easy but I have faith that things will definitely gets better from here moment on.

  8. January 19, 2012 / 1:55 am

    I appreciate your honesty in this post. Hoping that you continue to find healing and peace. God bless!

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:09 pm

      Amen! Thanks Jenni.

  9. January 19, 2012 / 3:58 am

    Wow! How strong you are. You might not think so, but reading this….I see you as strong, as brave.
    Break-ups and life changes are never easy. You simply do the best that you can.

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:10 pm

      Thank you, JamieAnne…best I can yes and it hasn’t been easy but life must goes on and I’m letting go of the grieve now and seeing more hopes and happiness in the horizon.

  10. January 19, 2012 / 4:55 am

    I think you’re already stronger than you know. It’s very tough at first, but as they all say “it will get better” , please do believe it, it does. Just take time to heal, write it out, and mourn for your lost. Thanks for visiting.

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:11 pm

      I do believe that because when I look back at 2 years ago when it all came crashing down on me, I thought my world ended right there and then. But it hasn’t. It shifted…it changes…but not ended. Thank you so much for your kind words and faith.

  11. January 19, 2012 / 8:15 am

    It seems you are moving in the right direction. Taking small steps, but finding the right way for you to grieve and become comfortable in your new normal. Thank you for sharing. That honesty I applaud!

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:13 pm

      Thanks Jackie. Two years might seems like a long time but yes I am much more comfortable to my new life now. Love that the new normal. This is my new normal and it gives me much more peace actually.

  12. January 19, 2012 / 11:06 am

    Loved this! You are strong! Moving on is a process! Pounds like your ex jumped fom the pot to the frying pan! God has other plans for you my dear!

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:14 pm

      Amen to that. Thank you Katina. 🙂 Love the frying pan analogy!

  13. January 19, 2012 / 10:04 pm

    You’re going to that wedding, alright and you’re going to be Just Fine! Two years is still just a drop in the bucket where your heart is concerned. The toughest part is over – you’ve admitted your life is not perfect. It’s not even what you expected but it’s worth celebrating just the same.

    I love reading your blog because you always speak from the heart. Personally, I don’t care to know if a person’s life is spotless. We all have problems and what keeps us together is knowing we’re not alone.

    By the way…what’s the Horoscope sight you mentioned?

    • January 20, 2012 / 10:15 pm

      Oh and I’m gonna get all dolled up for that wedding and have a great time, not being sour sally too, girly! 😀

      Can’t thank you enough Nami…you’ve been here with me almost all along throughout these past two years and I totally value your support. If I could I’d reach in and give you a big hug!

      How bout I email you, lady? LOL Love ya!

  14. January 24, 2012 / 9:25 pm

    A counselor once told me it takes a minimum of 3 years to “get over” a divorce. Sounds like you are right on track. Just because he moved on, doesnt mean you arent perfectly normal to still grieve. don’t beat yourself up. You are doing great!

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