Both mentally and emotionally…as these past couple of months has been nothing short of amazing – for the lack of better words!
There are so many times that I typed and typed and typed and went delete delete delete because it’s all too personal to be published. So many times that I wish to crucify Mr. X on my blog and bitch about her, the new wife – yes, he had remarried!
But I hold it back in, I swallowed all the anger, all the rage. Even fooled myself that I had climbed over that ‘anger block’ – as described in myself help book. I was calm, I was collected. I ducked when the holy Mr. X threw shit baits at me without losing my cool. I let him call all the shots!
Apparently, me being calm and quiet has translated into “Oh, she’s so weak!” and “She let him walk all over her.” even “She’s stupid!” Well not anymore, dude and dudettes!
Yesterday I finally gathered enough guts to lay down my rules, my demands…what is rightfully mine. I am calling the shots now! Mr. X of course sends out his attitudes that makes me sick to my stomach and made remarks that are so uncalled for. Did I take the bait? No…but I was sitting there seething and boiling inside. If he and I were to be made into a cartoon characters – I would be spitting smokes out of my nose and ears!
Trying so hard to redeem my boiling anger inside, I failed to utter those magic words. My plan B for the whole situation. Duh! I came so close to lose my focus and in my mind I would so love to spear him with bitchy come backs.
When I left him yesterday – the anger follows me…I feel exhausted. My head pounding, my chest heaving from trying to calm myself down. I hated, hated feeling like this!
How dare he says the things that he said…how dare he act the way he has been?
Then it hits me…all the angers that I thought had gone away were still really under the surface. Maybe buried yet not 6 feet under! It flooded back out of my healing heart in mere 45 something minutes sitting in front of him. All the pain that I tried to wipe away for nearly 2 years now slashed me opened again.
I am drained…
Acceptance, I thought I had come to terms with the end of my marriage. Yes, the new wife and I might never be friends but like I blatantly told him yesterday “I want to move on too…just the way you did.” I wanted to get passed the anger, dammit!
Yes, yes I know holding on to angers is very toxic! From what I read, it is also usually take much longer for the betrayed party to move passed these angers. I just have to find a way to manage it better – and I have been managing them quite well or so I thought – until I sat down face to face with him!
I hated the fact that he still have that power to make me so pissed inside – or did I handed him that power by getting all worked up?
So I guess I have to digest this better…and deal with my feelings. Not denying them or tucked them behind but to acknowledge that they are real that ‘hey, I am still angry and I should be angry when I am being treated unfairly!’… To acknowledge that when I am being wronged it is NORMAL to get pissed. My dear best friend tried to console me when I poured my heart out at her – for the gazillion times – that it is NORMAL in that circumstances to feel the way I did. Is it really?
Maybe what one of my friends said is true “It’s so damn hard to start over again from zero!” and she’s been a divorcee for nearly a decade! Will it take me that long to get pass these turmoil of anger? By God, I sure hope not!
I don’t want to be carrying these angers for years to come. It’s been almost two years since I found out, since I left…and I sure don’t want to live with these anger forever.