Boiling Anger

what now?!

Both mentally and emotionally…as these past couple of months has been nothing short of amazing – for the lack of better words!

There are so many times that I typed and typed and typed and went delete delete delete because it’s all too personal to be published. So many times that I wish to crucify Mr. X on my blog and bitch about her, the new wife  – yes, he had remarried!

But I hold it back in, I swallowed all the anger, all the rage. Even fooled myself that I had climbed over that ‘anger block’ – as described in myself help book. I was calm, I was collected. I ducked when the holy Mr. X threw shit baits at me without losing my cool. I let him call all the shots!

Apparently, me being calm and quiet has translated into “Oh, she’s so weak!” and “She let him walk all over her.” even “She’s stupid!”  Well not anymore, dude and dudettes! 

Yesterday I finally gathered enough guts to lay down my rules, my demands…what is rightfully mine. I am calling the shots now! Mr. X of course sends out his attitudes that makes me sick to my stomach and made remarks that are so uncalled for. Did I take the bait? No…but I was sitting there seething and boiling inside. If he and I were to be made into a cartoon characters – I would be spitting smokes out of my nose and ears!  

Trying so hard to redeem my boiling anger inside, I failed to utter those magic words. My plan B for the whole situation. Duh! I came so close to lose my focus and in my mind I would so love to spear him with bitchy come backs.

When I left him yesterday – the anger follows me…I feel exhausted. My head pounding, my chest heaving from trying to calm myself down. I hated, hated feeling like this!

How dare he says the things that he said…how dare he act the way he has been?

Then it hits me…all the angers that I thought had gone away were still really under the surface. Maybe buried yet not 6 feet under! It flooded back out of my healing heart in mere 45 something minutes sitting in front of him. All the pain that I tried to wipe away for nearly 2 years now slashed me opened again.

I am drained…

Acceptance, I thought I had come to terms with the end of my marriage. Yes, the new wife and I might never be friends but like I blatantly told him yesterday “I want to move on too…just the way you did.” I wanted to get passed the anger, dammit!

Yes, yes I know holding on to angers is very toxic! From what I read, it is also usually take much longer for the betrayed party to move passed these angers. I just have to find a way to manage it better – and I have been managing them quite well or so I thought – until I sat down face to face with him!

I hated the fact that he still have that power to make me so pissed inside – or did I handed him that power by getting all worked up?

So I guess I have to digest this better…and deal with my feelings. Not denying them or tucked them behind but to acknowledge that they are real that ‘hey, I am still angry and I should be angry when I am being treated unfairly!’… To acknowledge that when I am being wronged it is NORMAL to get pissed. My dear best friend tried to console me when I poured my heart out at her –  for the gazillion times – that it is NORMAL in that circumstances to feel the way I did. Is it really?

Maybe what one of my friends said is true “It’s so damn hard to start over again from zero!” and she’s been a divorcee for nearly a decade! Will it take me that long to get pass these turmoil of anger? By God, I sure hope not!

I don’t want to be carrying these angers for years to come. It’s been almost two years since I found out, since I left…and I sure don’t want to live with these anger forever. 

How do you handle your pain and anger from divorce? How do you handle it when your ex is picking up a battle?

Creative Commons License photo credit: breahn



  1. Emmy
    August 6, 2011 / 9:29 pm

    Oyen, sending you big hugs and hope things will get better.

  2. August 6, 2011 / 11:02 pm

    *** HUGS ***

  3. August 7, 2011 / 9:48 am

    Honey, I don’t know what you’ve been through and I can’t even say it’s something I’d have rights to relate – whatever it is – it’s over now…the tide is ebbing. Just like pregnancy, it will take just as long to undo the changes that hijacked your body and even then, you never come back the same person.

    You can curse, you can kick and scream. Unlike lovers, your friends will always be there, still.

  4. Indy Thur
    August 7, 2011 / 10:31 am

    Sabar ya Oyen sayang…. one day it will all makes sense, and one day it’ll be all yours 🙂

  5. August 7, 2011 / 1:40 pm

    Oyen sayang,
    It takes a while to beat the anger, just stay strong. It’s good for you that you let him know you’re angry, just don’t let the anger dominates your life. Just think of this, you have your son with you, he can go to hell! Sorry. Just lots of hugs for you and may you have all the strength you need so badly

  6. Juragan Sambel
    August 8, 2011 / 4:10 am

    Oyen dear.. I feel your pain my dear, I’ve been in your shoes almost 5 years ago. Your situation really brings me back to the past. There’s alot of time that I wish I could smack or kick or punch him on his face. My experience was THE MORE I “SHOWED” HIM THAT I WAS ANGRY THE MORE HE KNEW TO PUSH MY BUTTON and since I learned my mistake, I learned to IGNORE him, it was so hard girl… Even after almost 3 years he got remarried and moved out from US, he still wanted to control my life and told me I was not a good mother for my daughter. He was so “worried” that I found a new guy-that happen-to-be-my husband-now, he even said that he would report me to Family Services and asked his lawyer to pay me a visit. Calmly I wrote him back by saying if he really worried and concerned about our daughter, him or Family Services or his lawyer were more than welcome to visit us. Guess what, NONE of them visited us!! LOL.. Oh boy, I thought only women could become drama queens 🙂

    PS: He’s the one who left the country.. he’s the one who always acted up but he’s also the one who barely calls our daughter just to check on her :p

  7. August 8, 2011 / 7:35 pm

    So tough. It’s hard to let go when you don’t feel you’ve been treated fairly. I hope you find peace soon.

  8. Heidi
    August 10, 2011 / 8:16 am

    Stay strong, Oyen. Hope it’ll get better in time. Hugs

  9. August 13, 2011 / 6:16 pm

    Oyen, keep your cool, I know it’s not easy. But anger, as said by one of the readers, can hijack your mind. What you have to do is to find the core of your anger; why are you so pissed off? It may sound that what he said made you mad, but maybe there were something more that you are feeling. That needs to be dug out, and only you know what it is and how to deal with it. It starts with frustration that is hidden, then blows up as anger.

    When I’m angry (this is bad), I destroy myself because I’m not a person that can channel my anger out (yet) by kickboxing, meditating not running. Well, I used to be able to run outside the house but there is no place here to jog peacefully. It is very bad for me because I then turn it inside, which makes me depressed (for days, staying in bed). Therefore, I try anything, ANYTHING, to avoid being frustrated or angry.

    This may sound very classic, but I just return everything to Him up there and let Him deal with it, as everything comes from him, so shall everything to be returned to Him. Then, I feel peace. It works for me.

    All the best

  10. August 16, 2011 / 8:16 pm

    Anger is a tough one! For me the key was just letting it be ok to be angry. Just BE ANGRY. There’s nothing wrong with it, it doesn’t mean he’s better or more powerful. Anger is not a character flaw. So just be angry and be OK with it. Then one day, instead of resisting the anger, you decide “OK, I’m done being angry. He’s just not worth it anymore.” But I personally think it’s hard to heal, hard to get to the point of acceptance, if you resist or try and deny yourself whatever feelings the end of your marriage brings.

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