It happened last week…
As I was rummaging the shelf behind my computer desk aka office space, I saw that little black box. Dusty and all.
I had completely forgotten about this black box.
Until I plugged in the cables and connected it to my laptop.
There they are…history of my past life staring back at me hidden from folders after folders. Something I haven’t seen in ages.
“Am I really ready?” my brain whispered quietly.
“Yes…yes I am!” my heart snapped impatiently.
My finger clicked on that folder that says “Old PC Files”, bursting out pictures after pictures of me and Mr. X way before the Boy was born. The dates, with my family, the simple wedding in Upstate NY, the gatherings with other Indonesian people in Upstate NY, the dog, the first snow, down to the first cookie I had ever baked…everything that was part of my past laid out on my screen. Some of them went back as far as from 8 years ago.
Funny enough, I don’t feel much. Yes, those pictures screamed about the love Mr. X and I used to have but that chapter has ended and I’ve come to accepted it without a qualm.
My mouse hover over that folder “Alexander”…
The first two years of my boy’s life came flashing right in front of my eyes.
From pregnancy pictures…you know the famous belly shots from weeks to weeks? Yeah, I had tons of them to his very first pictures post my emergency c-section. It was all there.
It wasn’t until I started going through the videos that the water works started.
Going through those videos, seeing how much my tiny baby grew just got to me in a way I can’t even describe. He was such a tiny baby being born 5 weeks early. Some of the videos made me laugh and got a serious baby fever. How can you resist this face?
Seeing how his father always made him coo, smile and laugh from he was a baby really got me choked up. There are so many videos of them together.
Bitter sweet feelings came crashing over me and I swallowed hard. We were a happy family once and these videos proofed that.
He’s a good Daddy, I have to give him that credit and that’s why the Boy adored him wholeheartedly.
The next day, I told Mr. X that I’ve found Boy’s baby videos.
“Can you copy them for me?” he message me back.
Then I did something that maybe stupid but before I knew it I had sent this message “Can I ask you something?”
After reading his OK, these words “Did I ever made you happy back then?” was sent his way. Maybe I should’ve kicked myself in the butt for asking such question to him.
“Yes, you did…the problem was you weren’t happy.”
And to that I admitted I wasn’t happy but didn’t know what’s wrong but I told him I am now a much happier person.
“I know you are happy now.” He said. “If only you found that happiness before maybe things might have been different.”
WOA, wait what???? I felt like saying woah timeout, dude! Say what???
Of course he knew I am happier now, I look way better than I’ve ever been and mentally I’m in a far happier place than I’ve ever been. And I knew he was staring at me when he came to picked the Boy up after 3 weeks of not seeing his son.
Then it hits me.
It doesn’t really matter anymore. Yes, we were once a happy family but that’s long gone and he and I has chosen our own ways to find that happiness. What connected us forever is this Boy. That is all. Do I still love him? No, not anymore but I do care for him enough because he is the father of my boy. I pray for his well being because my son needs him. He and I had came a long way to reach this level or being able to actually crack up jokes and talk without me feeling like I want to punch him.
These videos shows he is a good father…the father of my son. No women can erase that from my son’s life. Divorce can’t wipe away that bond they have and this is why I was adamant of co-parenting.
These old videos bear witness to the good times he and I shared with our son. Yes, it wasn’t easy watching them but it shows me that even after divorce, after life goes on…one thing remain. We love the little man born out of that short lived marriage.