Life has been great for me.
My son just started K2…he’s growing up so fast and still as sweet and as silly as ever. He will starts Elementary school next year.
My job has been fantastic. I love every minutes of it. Being a work from home mom is just amazing. Plus working with the world’s best boss is making work well, doesn’t feel like work at all but more like something I love, something I’m passionate about.
My family is healthy and I couldn’t be more thankful for that considering the rough times we had last year.
My journey to get fit and healthy makes me happy. I never felt this good and stronger physically ever.
I surrounded myself with friends who I really love and are real. Within my small circle, I am safe with them and our friendships couldn’t be better. They’ve been there for me all along through the ups and downs.
I Am Happy…I Am Blessed
So why the sad tones to this post?
Is it because I just had my heart broken when I ended my first and only relationship post divorce with Mystery Man? Maybe…
But let’s not talk about that. I closed that chapter and I thanked him from the bottom of my heart because he showed me that I still am capable to love and put faith back in a relationship. Even when it has to end.
As content as I am with how my life is going right now, there’s still a pang of loneliness that comes and kick me hard. And no matter how much I tried to shut it down, to ignore it, to occupies my mind with something else it would only work for a little while before the loud sounds of loneliness starts echoing in my busy life.
It took me weeks to gather enough courage to type this…
It’s no longer the pain of divorce. Actually Mr. X and I had came a long way that we can crack friendly jokes to one another now without me wanting to punch him in the face. See, I did have come a long way.
It is the loneliness of going to bed alone every night…well technically not alone since I share the bed with my son. Of rolling on my left side, my back facing my beautifully sleeping child and then the loneliness would come creeping in.
Being in bed alone isn’t something new for me. Even way before I left Mr. X, I’ve spent plenty of nights alone while he’s away on business trips or when he softly snores next to me. It’s like an old friend…an uninvited old friend who stop by and hangs out way too long.
It’s a feeling that I’ve been hiding from everyone.
Until a couple of days ago I finally confessed to my best friend that despite all the good things in my life now, despite how far along I’ve come to rebuild my life after the divorce, despite being surrounded by the people that I love the most…I am missing something.
I miss having someone that I can really pour my heart out to. To share my deepest thoughts, my worries – and I got plenty of them – my dreams, my hopes, my fears. To even share comforting easy silence. Someone to see me without my cape of one-tough-single-mama. Someone that understands me, someone who can see me for the woman I really am deep inside. Being strong all the time can be hard.
I miss having a hand to hold…a squeeze that sends assurance to my heart. Holding my son’s hand is wonderful but it’s different.
I miss laying my head on someone’s shoulder and rest my train of thoughts for awhile.
I miss the comforting feelings of a hug that envelops me like a warm soft blanket that just shuts out the whole world. And that someone knows sometimes a hug is all you need.
I miss a lot of things about being with someone that truly love you and you love too.
I am surrounded with so much love, I couldn’t be more thankful. Please don’t get me wrong…I am happy. Yes, I may have stumble and fall down in my journey of rebuilding my life but I am in a far better place than two years ago.
And now the flood gate is open again…
Allowing myself to admit this to the whole world isn’t easy. It make me feel weak and make it looks like I’m looking for a pity party. But it’s not that. Maybe just writing it off of my chest and finding out that I’m not alone will help in some ways.
It’s about me allowing my heart to have enough guts to say…yes, I am lonely and yes, I want to be in a relationship again.
Until I can manage these twinge of loneliness, I am content to being alone. No hooking up or the likes will wash away these feelings. Only I can change this. Maybe just maybe the first step is to be able to admit that yes, I miss all those things above and it’s perfectly normal.