My Secret – My Journey to Healing

Her hand trembled as she reached closer to the door knob.

“I shouldn’t do this.” Doubt and fears tried to silence her. “I can’t do this!”

That hand froze midair.

“Do it! Just do it!” the voice said.

The coldness from the door knob sent chills down her spine and made her stomach churn but she took a deep breath and opened the door.

Darkness…pitch black engulfed her as the door flung open. Fear crawled around the nape of her neck. She wanted to run, as far as she could from that place but her feet refused to move.

Then she heard faint sounds. Faint weak sounds, she had to shut her eyes tightly to quiet her thoughts to listen.

It’s coming from somewhere in the corner of that dark room.

She ordered her legs to walk, to follow that sound.

The sound began to increase with each and every step. The knot in her stomach twisted as she saw something on the dark floor, something was moving.

No no no!!! She gasped as she got down on her knees right in front of a shaking crying little body curled up in a fetal position.

That little stained face looked up and in those two eyes she saw terror, pain, fear, and hurt, all rolled into one.

Ever so gently she lifts that little shivering body up on her lap.

“It’s ok little girl…” she whispered softly, the little body stiffens as she begins to rub her frail back.

“Let me help you…” tears well up in her eyes as she rocks that child on her lap. “Its okay, you are safe now. It is not your fault”

And with that, a deep most painful wailing escaped from that broken child filling the room with grief.

Together they cried and together they will heal…

Healing
The above piece was written over a year ago. Not long after the day I came to accept a painful reality. A reality that I was hiding for more than 30+ years…until I realized that those nightmare flashes …those thoughts were not just a coincidence. They really did happen.

Many years ago little Maureen’s wings were severed in ways that no child should ever experience.

Last year I took all the courage I ever had to tell my parents what I went through as a child. They were hurt. I was hurt. We all were hurting.

There is still a lot to mend on the inside. I have to fix little Maureen so I can feel whole again to start a new life.

There has been a lot of soul searching since last year and I am not where I want to be yet…

Not quite healed…

This is the hardest post I have ever written but it’s one I need to write…

Where do I start?

Where do I begin?

What am I going to write?

These questions have been going circling around in my head for the past few days.

But I need to write it…

Will it help me understand what had really happened?

Will it help me heal?

Only time can tell…

Maybe by opening the lid and allowing some light into it  will cast away the darkness. By exposing it in the most raw honest way I am taking my power back. It is no longer about him and his threats to keep it a secret. He is no longer a threat. It is all about that broken little girl inside me.

Maybe, just maybe allowing that little girl to stand up and say the lines that I never thought I could say will help both her and I heal. Not talking about it doesn’t help. Pretending it never happened only prolonged my dysfunctional ways. Opening up seems like the best way. Although it terrified me, I know this is my truth and my truth will set me free.

I was sexually abused as a child and this is my true story…”

Comments

comments

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15 Comments on My Secret – My Journey to Healing

  1. Mari
    October 8, 2014 at 4:38 am (3 years ago)

    Sharing your story will and can help others thank you. In sharing you begin to heal and take the power back. Sharing will bring you peace. Thank you again, sending love and prayers xo 🙂
    Mari recently posted..I QuitMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 8, 2014 at 3:33 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you Mari. It is about taking the power stolen from me back, isn’t? Really appreciate your kind words and prayers.

      Reply
  2. Alison
    October 8, 2014 at 6:17 am (3 years ago)

    Oh Maureen. I can’t even imagine the pain and terror of that little girl. You are very brave to take this step to tell your story, to tell your truth. Much love to you. xoxo
    Alison recently posted..A Collection of ThoughtsMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 8, 2014 at 3:34 pm (3 years ago)

      A lot of details are still left unanswered Alison and I don’t know if I really want to know all the details but as scared as I was to post this, as soon as I hit published I felt lighter and the pouring support has been really helpful. Thank you so much, Alison.

      Reply
  3. Shell
    October 9, 2014 at 11:25 pm (3 years ago)

    Your story gave me goosebumps. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you are working on healing. xo
    Shell recently posted..How to Make RisottoMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 10, 2014 at 9:48 am (3 years ago)

      Thank you so much Shell. Yes, healing is where I am going.

      Reply
  4. Allison B
    October 10, 2014 at 1:58 am (3 years ago)

    You are very brave to tell your story. It’s so difficult to speak about our hidden traumas but they do help you heal. It also helps the people who went through something similar.
    Allison B recently posted..10 Things that Changed in 10 Years of MarriageMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 10, 2014 at 9:49 am (3 years ago)

      It was really hard to share this out there, Allison but I feel this is the right path to take for me to truly heal. Thank you for your kind words.

      Reply
  5. Lady Jennie
    October 16, 2014 at 6:23 pm (3 years ago)

    My heart aches over what you have gone through. No one should have to go through that . Ever. I’m only glad that you a found a listening ear in your family – that they were there to support you and bring you through. Your words are beautiful, and I hope they do bring healing – not just to yourself but to others who read them.
    Lady Jennie recently posted..The Viscount – Chapter TwelveMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 21, 2014 at 3:01 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you so much for your kind words Jennie. It was really scary and I think many still feels uncomfortable talking about it but my fiance said something that was similar as to what you said “I would rather make 100 people feel uncomfortable but help 1 person who went through the same thing.” And that is what I keep telling myself whenever I started self filtering what to write.

      Reply
  6. Jessica
    October 17, 2014 at 12:17 am (3 years ago)

    So brave you are, Maureen. I know you’ll only be able to get stronger from this day forward. xo.
    Jessica recently posted..What the books leave outMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 21, 2014 at 3:04 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you, Jessica. Your words and supports mean a lot!

      Reply
  7. Sophia Johnson
    October 19, 2014 at 12:01 pm (3 years ago)

    I applaud you, Maureen! I sincerely hope that you are feeling lighter, happier, and that healing is a constant now that you’ve let light into this darkness.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 21, 2014 at 3:05 pm (3 years ago)

      Every day I feel better Sophia, thank you for your kind words and support. More light I let in, the lighter and free-er I feel.

      Reply
  8. Opi
    November 11, 2014 at 9:50 am (3 years ago)

    i can not imagine the horror inside you had to endure for years, Oyen.

    i was harassed as an adult and only until a few of years a go i found the courage to say and admit that i was indeed the victim.

    i was worried that others would think i deserve it. part of me felt guilty. i asked myself, “what if i was the one who actually invited him?” it’s a thick grey area.

    a couple of years ago, i heard stories about different victims with the same suspect. he is too powerful of a man, so of course, he gets away. all the time. but at least now i know i was not guilty.

    however, i still believe the universe has its own wonder. God has plans for each of us, the wrong and the wronged. someday, those who harmed us, will have to answer to what they’ve done.

    Reply

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