My Secret: What Abuse Did To Me

Shattering The Silence
After posting My Secret: My Journey to Healing which was the most difficult post I have ever written, the internet didn’t break, the world didn’t stop spinning like I feared.

My worries and fears were all unfounded. It came from my insecurity more than anything rational. It came from my deepest fear of being hurt.

When I was little maybe I looked like a normal child to the world, but on the inside I was suffering, what somebody did broke me.

To this day, all I know is the man that molested me was the gardener, someone that my parents trusted.

It is no longer about him.

It is about me, about how can I nurture and heal that little girl inside me that was badly hurt.

What happened opened my eyes in ways that shook my whole world upside down. I felt lost. I feel like I didn’t know me at all. Yet at the same time it actually allows me to understand myself more. I know it doesn’t make any sense at all…heck, I still get confused sometimes. But my abuse made me understand why I did the things I did in the past and why I felt the way I felt.

I had always looked for love in all the wrong places before. Why? Because as a child, being molested meant I was brainwashed to feel like I deserved getting hurt.

I had always fallen for the wrong men. Men who treated me badly. Why? Because subconsciously I felt like I didn’t deserve to be loved.

I used to have these ‘weird’ feelings inside me that I don’t understand…hatred…dark thoughts and deep profound soul crushing sadness that followed me around like a dark cloud all the time. Sometimes some thoughts were even suicidal.

I faced some drug issues in college – if my parents hadn’t ordered me to come home I could have gone much deeper into that dark hole. Then cigarettes and alcohol became my chosen poison to deal with all of these suppressed issues for years.

I was hurting for years but I never knew why due to suppressing my trauma so deeply.

I never felt good enough…no matter how hard I tried. There’s always something that made me feel angry and sad on the inside.

I even picked at my face and pulled strands of hair when frustrations hit me.

I resented my parents, especially my mother in a lot in ways that I didn’t understand. I realize now maybe I felt that way because I was angry at her. I blamed her for not being there to protect me.

I blamed a lot of things on other people.

I played the victim role oh, so greatly. Why? Because I was wronged! I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings.

Until recently I struggled to enjoy playing with little children, my son included because my childhood was robbed.

Also I have deeply rooted trust issues of who I let in; even to this day I am re-learning to trust.

I don’t have real best friends like most girls do because I haven’t allowed them in. My trust was brutally broken. Stolen from me.

I have a lot of things to re-learn. Returning to my childhood, I want to reassure my young self that it was not her fault, she did not ask to be abused, and she didn’t deserve that pain. No one does.  And it is time to let those pains go…to release it to the universe.

That’s a huge burden to carry around for over 30 years.

There are bad days and there are good days but I am healing…I am learning…

To be continue

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23 Comments on My Secret: What Abuse Did To Me

  1. Bev
    October 14, 2014 at 7:50 pm (3 years ago)

    Oh wow, I’m sorry to hear about what you had to go through, and in silence for so many years. I commend you for opening yourself to the world being able to share this. I can only imagine the impact this abuse has had on you, but I am glad to hear you are on a path toward healing.
    Bev recently posted..Across the Internet: Creativity, parenting, and bloggingMy Profile

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    • Maureen
      October 15, 2014 at 9:30 am (3 years ago)

      Thank you so much Bev, yes I’ve been through the worse that could’ve happened now it is a matter of moving forward to healing. Hiding this since last year was difficult and opening up about it here helps me greatly.
      Maureen recently posted..My Secret: What Abuse Did To MeMy Profile

      Reply
  2. Tamara
    October 14, 2014 at 8:44 pm (3 years ago)

    I’m also so sorry for what you went through, and as a parent who trusts other adults, it’s a scary world.
    I’ve also recently been thinking about a certain little girl – myself at age four – who went through a deep trauma. I have been writing about it, and the internet didn’t break! Although I did see a bit of negativity which is not usual for my blog.
    Much peace to you!
    Tamara recently posted..Flu Shot Superheroes.My Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 15, 2014 at 9:32 am (3 years ago)

      It is scary Tamara. Last year, just months after finding out about this broke a big news about kids being molested in school here and it shook me in ways that I couldn’t even imagine. I guess that’s why I have always feel so strongly about sex abuse to children because I lived through it.
      I just read your post, Tamara. It was beautifully written!
      Thank you for your kind words and for sharing. Sending you big hugs.

      Reply
    • Maureen
      October 15, 2014 at 9:34 am (3 years ago)

      Thank you so much Nicole. Sunshine and light is what I needed.
      Love your words. Hugs!

      Reply
  3. Alison
    October 14, 2014 at 9:07 pm (3 years ago)

    I feel for that little girl you were, but I’m proud of the woman you are now, Maureen. Again, I applaud your courage in sharing your story. xo
    Alison recently posted..Hey, I Have Feelings TooMy Profile

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    • Maureen
      October 15, 2014 at 9:43 am (3 years ago)

      Your words, my friend brought me to tears.
      Thank you. Hugs!

      Reply
    • Maureen
      October 15, 2014 at 9:45 am (3 years ago)

      Thank you Ashley…if it could help one person I would be so honored as I’ve read some really great post about this too and they gave me courage to came out with my trauma.

      Reply
  4. Tricia
    October 15, 2014 at 6:53 pm (3 years ago)

    I can’t imagine the strength and courage it takes to share this story. But I’m glad you are. The internet won’t break but will only become stronger when you share your words.
    Tricia recently posted..For your bucket listMy Profile

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    • Maureen
      October 16, 2014 at 12:21 pm (3 years ago)

      Sharing my truth feels like the right path towards healing, Tricia. Thank you for your kind words.

      Reply
  5. Jennifer Burden @WorldMomsBlog
    October 15, 2014 at 7:39 pm (3 years ago)

    Maureen,

    I am so proud of you coming out with your story. You are a brave woman! You have a life in front of you of great things. You are so wise to be uncovering what has hurt you and using it to change your path on how you feel about yourself and your body. You ARE important. You ARE beautiful. You ARE Amazing. I love having you in my life. Go, be amazing!!!

    I’m here for you whenever you need me!

    Jen 🙂
    Jennifer Burden @WorldMomsBlog recently posted..Comment on NETHERLANDS: The Perfect Fit by SimonaMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 16, 2014 at 12:26 pm (3 years ago)

      Jen, your support and everyone at my WMB families are amazing! Really…so very grateful for you ladies. Thank you! I really do feels like out of these horrible thing, dealing with my past, healing…there is a big growth happening in my life too.

      Reply
  6. Poppy
    October 15, 2014 at 10:28 pm (3 years ago)

    You are brave, my friend. And very, very strong.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 16, 2014 at 12:27 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you, you awesome lady!

      Reply
  7. Amanda Jillian
    October 16, 2014 at 12:57 am (3 years ago)

    It’s so hard to go through abuse as a child and not know what to do, and until you face it, it will affect your life in ways you don’t even realize.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      October 16, 2014 at 12:28 pm (3 years ago)

      So very true, Amanda. I didn’t realize why I was the way I was before so this felt like a huge revelations as well as a scary process but one that I must do. Thank you, girl!

      Reply
  8. Kim
    October 16, 2014 at 8:34 am (3 years ago)

    Oh, I can’t even imagine going through that! I think the fact that you are able to share your story is huge. I’m sure that some days are terribly rough for you – I hope that those days are not often.
    Kim recently posted..It’s the Little ThingsMy Profile

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    • Maureen
      October 16, 2014 at 12:31 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you so much for your kind words and wishes, Kim. I am in a far better place today than I was several weeks ago where I was a total mess. It’s a matter of moving forward now and healing.

      Reply
  9. Jessica
    October 17, 2014 at 12:13 am (3 years ago)

    Oh, Maureen. Your courage is infectious! Thank you for sharing your story, for opening up, for choosing to not allow your abuser to dim your bright life.
    Jessica recently posted..What the books leave outMy Profile

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    • Maureen
      October 21, 2014 at 2:50 pm (3 years ago)

      Thank you very much Jessica for your kind words. It is a constant decision to chose to not let him steal anymore joy out of my life.

      Reply
  10. OhDearRia
    October 22, 2014 at 8:46 am (3 years ago)

    Oh wow Yen, am really sorry to read what you went through. To open up here in a blog is even brave, I salute you. Am hoping that you will get thru all these painful memory and heal every day. You are a strong woman and you deserve to be happy Yen. Big hugs from me. xx
    OhDearRia recently posted..life lately, according to my iphoneMy Profile

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