My worries and fears were all unfounded. It came from my insecurity more than anything rational. It came from my deepest fear of being hurt.
When I was little maybe I looked like a normal child to the world, but on the inside I was suffering, what somebody did broke me.
To this day, all I know is the man that molested me was the gardener, someone that my parents trusted.
It is no longer about him.
It is about me, about how can I nurture and heal that little girl inside me that was badly hurt.
What happened opened my eyes in ways that shook my whole world upside down. I felt lost. I feel like I didn’t know me at all. Yet at the same time it actually allows me to understand myself more. I know it doesn’t make any sense at all…heck, I still get confused sometimes. But my abuse made me understand why I did the things I did in the past and why I felt the way I felt.
I had always looked for love in all the wrong places before. Why? Because as a child, being molested meant I was brainwashed to feel like I deserved getting hurt.
I had always fallen for the wrong men. Men who treated me badly. Why? Because subconsciously I felt like I didn’t deserve to be loved.
I used to have these ‘weird’ feelings inside me that I don’t understand…hatred…dark thoughts and deep profound soul crushing sadness that followed me around like a dark cloud all the time. Sometimes some thoughts were even suicidal.
I faced some drug issues in college – if my parents hadn’t ordered me to come home I could have gone much deeper into that dark hole. Then cigarettes and alcohol became my chosen poison to deal with all of these suppressed issues for years.
I was hurting for years but I never knew why due to suppressing my trauma so deeply.
I never felt good enough…no matter how hard I tried. There’s always something that made me feel angry and sad on the inside.
I even picked at my face and pulled strands of hair when frustrations hit me.
I resented my parents, especially my mother in a lot in ways that I didn’t understand. I realize now maybe I felt that way because I was angry at her. I blamed her for not being there to protect me.
I blamed a lot of things on other people.
I played the victim role oh, so greatly. Why? Because I was wronged! I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings.
Until recently I struggled to enjoy playing with little children, my son included because my childhood was robbed.
Also I have deeply rooted trust issues of who I let in; even to this day I am re-learning to trust.
I don’t have real best friends like most girls do because I haven’t allowed them in. My trust was brutally broken. Stolen from me.
I have a lot of things to re-learn. Returning to my childhood, I want to reassure my young self that it was not her fault, she did not ask to be abused, and she didn’t deserve that pain. No one does. And it is time to let those pains go…to release it to the universe.
That’s a huge burden to carry around for over 30 years.
There are bad days and there are good days but I am healing…I am learning…
To be continue