Thursday was difficult…
I woke up with anger engulfing my whole being. So much so that my jaws hurt by lunch time from clenching them so tightly.
I can’t find peace. I feel lost.
Sciatica cramps kept me up almost all night.
I haven’t workout in almost two weeks, I didn’t even feel like doing those stretches and that’s why my sciatica is back, that’s why my back is killing me again.
Work pisses me off since early morning too. Things just got on my nerves and rubbed me the wrong way. They just suffocate me!!!
I was mad!!!
Everything just went wrong that day.
Yet he reached out from a land far away. Hell, he insisted that I tell him how I really am feeling while I was trying to shield him from my dark days. I don’t want him to worry too much.
He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He reminded me that we are in this together.
I caved in, admitting to him I am struggling is very difficult.
“I’m angry.” I punched that on my phone.
“GOOD!” he replied
“And sad.” Tears brewing in the corner of my eyes.
“GREAT TOO!!!” and I were lost not understanding why he thinks those are good. “Yes, because you are holding it in…probably.”
He was right. I was holding it in. I slipped into the old me again trying to toughen it up especially while he is so far away. I even got mad at myself for feeling angry when I have every damn right to be furious, to be so angry. By denying my heart to feel those emotions I didn’t realize how I am slowing the process down.
When I refuse to get swept away by huge waves of emotions, I am hurting myself even more. When I put a mental block, I am hiding from growth.
Shifting my mind from anger, that night as I cuddled my sweet boy I asked him something that I never asked him before.
“Are you happy, Pumpkin?”
“Yes, Mommy.” He threw his arm around my neck and I kissed his cheek.
“Can you tell me what makes you happy?”
He looked puzzled so I gave him some examples of what makes me happy then watched his smile widen.
“I’m happy when I’m with you, Mommy.” And feel his love showering my weary soul. “I’m happy when you take me to the park…when I play with Daddy….when I ride my bike…”
We talked some more about the little things that makes us happy and that really wipe my anger, my sadness away. That boy and I created our new ritual last night that we will talk about what makes us happy every day before bed. Gratitude…
Maybe little children in their pure soul and innocence doesn’t need reasons to be happy, they just feel happy.
So I woke up yesterday with a new determination, new spirit. I smiled to the elder man I always see in the morning. He and I take the same bus every morning. He always smiles but I never really paid too much attention to him before. All I know he’s always so polite and let me climb aboard the bus first. Something pulled me on this dark grey morning when I saw him. I smiled.
He smiled back…ever so genuinely. That smile brightens my day. Really.
Then I realized wait a minute, I was wearing my mask! How can he see my smile? It was dark this morning. And my mask look something like this:
I posted this ‘incident’ on Facebook and one of my friends replied;
The smiling happy elderly that radiates kindness…the hug and love I feel as I close my eyes given by a man smiling from the other side of my world…the love of my child…the love and comfort of my parents. I am soaking it all in…allowing it in…feeling it in my heart and soul and I know those are real.
I am on my way…to re-discover that happiness from within me again. In the meantime, I will allow those waves of emotions to flow through me.