On Grieving

A Sorrow For All Seasonsphoto credit: fallingwater123

The reactions I’ve been getting about my coming-out-post from friends both in real life and online has been overwhelmingly beautiful that I’m still feeling speechless.

Again, I wish I could reach in and give each one of you a hug to say thank you.

Part of me is still grieving over this. The past six months has been hell and it might get bumpy or even worst before the sea would be calm again. My grieve started back then but this time it feels more real as I was still hoping to try and fix things up before. Now that I know it’s really over…strangely I feel numb. The first month after I moved out of the apartment, I was in a zombie state.  My family almost had to force fed me, I didn’t want to leave the house, didn’t want to see anyone, I was angry, I cried me a river. Now I can smile but making peace with this all is still a journey.

Loosing someone you love through an end of a marriage somehow feels like death. You are burying those hopes you held in your heart when you first got married, those dreams now crushed, it feels like half of you has been ripped apart.

Some of my friends said that it was brave for me to come out and say it out loud. Some of you told me I’m strong…

Yet, inside I didn’t feel strong or brave. Yes, it was liberating to come out and stop pretending. Feels like a huge burden has been lifted off of my back. But part of me feels ashamed…raw… as if by coming out I’m telling the world that I had screwed up, that I am a failure.

You can’t control the actions he choose or the path he takes…” the words of my counselor from months ago feels like a mantra now.

I am not the perfect wife. My mistakes are plenty and I owned each and every one of them and had apologized to him wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, that’s not enough to mend something that has been broken for years.

As much as I had come to accept the facts that it is really over, that I had made up my mind to love myself and my son more and walk out with my head held up high knowing I had done everything humanly possible to fix the marriage…why do I still feel numb inside? Why do I still cries silently at night…

Maybe these are all part of the grieving process…

Today, I finally took out all of our pictures off of the frames being displayed at my parents’ shelf. Had left them alone before because I could not bring myself to even glance at those smiling hopeful faces. Shinning a light, I’m trying to see it as a step towards healing. He will forever be part of my life since we have a child together but by taking those pictures down feels symbolic in a way. That I am ready to move on and healing will come soon enough.

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26 Comments on On Grieving

  1. Heidi
    September 24, 2010 at 12:14 am (7 years ago)

    Oyen, I wish I could give you a big hug. It made me sad reading your posts while still remembering some of your old sweet love stories (from your old blogs). So I can only imagine that it must be really really rough on you right now You’re stronger that you thought since I’m pretty sure it’ll be hard for most people to share their feelings to their closest friends let alone to the blogworld. You’re so loved by so many people and I hope their love and positive thoughts will help your healing process. xoxo

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:15 pm (7 years ago)

      Heidi, thank you. I wish I could delete that one blog but I had lost access to it 🙁 I know I am blessed with so many friends that care and they and yourself included helps me coping with this a lot more than you know. Thanks again, Heidi!

      Reply
  2. Kerry
    September 24, 2010 at 12:21 am (7 years ago)

    oh honey. my heart is breaking for you. YOU ARE STRONG and you will get through this. Your son will be your strength for now and your family. and your real FRIENDS, bloggy and non-bloggy. love to you my dear, sweet friend. always here! xoxo

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:17 pm (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much, Kerry. I’ve been in a limbo for over 6 months so in a way it is good to finally have the closure that I need even when by doing that it feels like I’m cutting myself in half but I owe this to myself and to my boy. You are so kind and sweet to me. Thank you Kerry and I love you! Hugs!

      Reply
  3. Lydia
    September 24, 2010 at 12:47 am (7 years ago)

    Owww Reen… your post brings tears to my eyes. You deserve someone better!! We’re all here for you. To love and support you. Hugs!

    “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned …. Since you were precious in my sight, you have been honored and I have loved you” Isaiah 43:2, 4

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:18 pm (7 years ago)

      Lydia, thank you for your kind words, support and love. The scripture is so powerfully beautiful too. Thanks for sharing that one. I don’t even dare to think of ‘someone better’ right now since I have too much on my plate and too much work to do on myself first but thank you. Love you, girl!

      Reply
  4. Sylvia, Jake and Matt
    September 24, 2010 at 12:59 am (7 years ago)

    Well, time to move on. I know it must be really hard for you now. Just think that everything happens for a reason. Do things that might help you forget your sadness, time will heal. The future is there right in front of you. Be strong and be there for your little one.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:19 pm (7 years ago)

      Thanks Sylvia, I am moving on and good things are starting to come along in my life. 🙂

      Reply
  5. ElizOF
    September 24, 2010 at 3:31 am (7 years ago)

    Change happens in all of our lives and you are one terrific lady that I know will pull through. You have your life ahead of you and your son by your side to remind you to push through the maya and keep moving…
    You are a special lady and even though we met briefly through blogging, there was always something about you that was real and kind and good.
    Stay blessed,
    Elizabeth
    ElizOF recently posted..Change is Good- Three Poetic Reasons Why…My Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:20 pm (7 years ago)

      Eliz, your words brought me to tears. Not of sadness but out of love. Thank you so much. Yes, there are still times where I just plow forwards without even feeling anything just because I know I can only go forward and my son needs me to do so but I am much more in peace with the whole situation now than I had lets say several months ago.
      Thank you again, Eliz!

      Reply
  6. Andree
    September 24, 2010 at 10:35 pm (7 years ago)

    Hey Maureen….

    My sadness for these circumstance in your life is sincere…

    I am sure that now that you’ve brought “fresh air”, voicing out loud the situation, will help. But healing takes a long time. And there is no rush. It’s OK to grieve, but you will be fine. I am sure! Sending hugs!

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:28 pm (7 years ago)

      Andree, thank you so much for your kind comforting words.
      It does gives me a different perspective now that I had opened up to the world of my situations. The supports are bountiful and I know I can move on and heal when the times has fully come.

      Thanks again, Andree. Hugs!

      Reply
  7. BLOGitse
    September 24, 2010 at 11:05 pm (7 years ago)

    You’ll be fine. Just take your time. But don’t waste your time for something which is not worth it. (Easy to say, I know.)
    Hop, hop, get up and dance with your son…Forget your sadness for a minute. Dance with him, go wild………….How did it feel? 🙂
    Take care!
    BLOGitse recently posted..WOIMA 82 your WOrds my IMAgeMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:29 pm (7 years ago)

      Love it! Dance with my son actually works as we did dance a couple of nights ago and it was fun even when he’s the one jumping up and down bouncing holding my hands to follow his rhythm. 😀 Thanks!

      Reply
  8. Kate
    September 25, 2010 at 12:19 am (7 years ago)

    Time heals all things-though right now it feels like it never will get better. I know how that feels.

    I hope everything works out okay-I’m glad you’re back to blogging, I bet the support helps a lot.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:31 pm (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much Kate! You are so right, the support from everyone and yourself included, my friend has been helping a lot. I still go through some of the comments from when I first posted about it just to get me through some nights. So, thank you for being there too, Kate! Love ya, girl!

      Reply
  9. liz
    September 25, 2010 at 3:14 am (7 years ago)

    you are right; it is a process. step by step, maureen. just go step by step.
    liz recently posted..A Good Nite Had By AllMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm (7 years ago)

      Thanks Liz, sometimes I found myself pretending to be okay for my family and others in my real life because no one has been through what I had to go through in my immediate family when inside I am still grieving. But you’re right, step by step is the only way to go.

      Reply
  10. Asta
    September 25, 2010 at 6:17 pm (7 years ago)

    I totally agree with you on to love yourself and your son. It’s very important!
    The world is big, my friend. Let the journey continues 🙂
    BIG HUGS for you and your son 🙂
    Asta recently posted..Minal Aidin Wal FaidzinMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm (7 years ago)

      Asta, thank you so much. Big big hugs back for you!

      Reply
  11. Andrea
    September 26, 2010 at 12:06 pm (7 years ago)

    Oh, I am so terribly sorry. I hadn’t seen you and didn’t want to bother you and I’m just using tonight to catch up on people I’ve been missing. I’m sorry. I’m glad that you found a way to open up and share what you needed to, and please remember that we’re all here for you. Many hugs to you and your lil one, and I am sorry that things have been so rough. Hang in there – you’re one tough cookie and you will continue to get through this.
    Andrea recently posted..Katy Perry on Sesame Street- Yay or NayMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:35 pm (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much Andrea! I am so thankful for all the supports coming from each and everyone of you. Hugs!

      Reply
  12. MamaOnDaGo
    September 26, 2010 at 6:05 pm (7 years ago)

    I’m glad you’re healing. Like you mentioned, he’ll always be a part of you, but it’s also a part that will not hold you down. The end of a marriage is never easy. Although you may feel less than strong as you move on with your life, you’re taking the first steps to building a better future for you and your son.
    MamaOnDaGo recently posted..Disneyland- The Real DealMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:38 pm (7 years ago)

      Thank you for always giving me a different perspective, girl! You are right…I can’t let him hold me down while he is moving on with his new life.

      Reply
  13. Jessica
    April 4, 2012 at 5:55 pm (5 years ago)

    This is beautifully honest, Maureen. You are strong for this and for all you’ve done to find your new life post-divorce.
    Jessica recently posted..52|13: 5 MonthsMy Profile

    Reply

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