Life is what you make of it…
I could drive myself insane playing nurse to my mother.
I could be short tempered and snapped at my boy.
I could be frustrated with the distance between Dan and me right now.
I could eat away this hollowness I feel inside like I used to
I could gritted my teeth as I face rain in my commute every day
I could curse under my breathe from dealing with difficult people
I could feel so sorry for myself, my situations, my struggles, my stress
I could close my eyes and breathe.
Gently breathing deeply and slowly…
And learn to change my thinking.
My mother is trying – bless her heart – who despite her short comings is trying in her own ways to change. She has led a very sedentary life for decades and used food to comfort her. I recognized her in me now. It’s not the diabetic that runs in the family, it’s sadly how we face stress, and how we handled loneliness. I am the woman I am today because of her. Through our hard times, I am learning much more about myself.
My little boy just wants his Mom’s attentions after spending hours apart from each other daily. He’s eager to tell me things even if it’s mundane little things. One day he will be old enough to wants to keep to himself and I dread those days. So instead of shushing him maybe I need to just allows me to talk and to fully listen to everything he have to say.
My relationship is stronger, deeper now. We are committed to each other on a level I never have before. We are growing together and as individuals. Yes, it is royally sucks to be apart but distance not only makes our love grows but it makes us become more grateful for what we do have. Our love will endure no matter what come our ways because we choose to be together.
My new self now recognize the old patterns, the old pitfalls like a long lost friend. And being aware of it stopped me from grabbing those foods I’m not supposed to eat. Food is not the answer to my feelings and longing. Only I can feed those parts of me, not food, not other people.
My heart is grateful despite the heavy rain, our place is free from flood where some people in Jakarta are not that lucky. Thankful that I could still get to and from works safely.
My mind should stop expecting much from other people. In those expectations, I set myself up for more stress, more disappointments. I can only control my own feelings, my own reactions and that’s the part that I am in charge of. Instead of expecting, I must master the art of accepting and appreciating.
My heart choose joy. For every single thing I am facing in my life right now is exactly what I needed. I can choose joy or being miserable and missed out on a great opportunity to learn, to evolve and to grow even when it means I will feel some pain or discomfort.
That’s life and I have the power to choose, to change gears whenever I started slipping away like I did when I was typing this post.