I recognized that look. The agonizing pain in his eyes. I’ve seen it before.
I first saw that look over 5 years ago.
When I told him he and I will be staying at his grandparents’ house and we are not going back to the apartment.
The same look he showed me three years ago during his kindergarten graduation day.
When he cried because he wanted mommy and daddy to come home together.
He had that look yesterday.
How he tried to hide his tears but failed to do so.
How he buried his head in the pillow not wanting to show me.
Yet every inch of me feels his pain. Every cell in my body screams to protect him. To seal him from disappointment and heartache. My heart cracked wide open feeling so helpless.
But all I could do is just holding him close.
All I could do is telling him I love him and keep encouraging him to make contacts.
And he shuts down…not knowing how to express his feelings.
So I probe a little deeper.
“Are you angry?”
He only shook his head.
“Are you sad?” I wanted him to be more comfortable in using his words to express how he feels.
“Yes, I’m sad…”
“It’s been months, Mommy…” he whispered.
“I know it has been a long time isn’t it?” Running my fingers through his thick hair, my heart is weeping for this sweet boy of mine. “Then message Daddy…you can ask him too.”
“He is busy…”
“Maybe he is busy but he can reply to your message when he can.”
All of these were unfolding in front of Dan yesterday during our Sunday Skype, he got to witness how much pain my boy is carrying around from missing his father. Dan encouraged my son to contact his Dad too. We both thanked him for opening up…for sharing how he feels even when it is truly painful. Dan even told Alex that he is so loved by all of us, that he is sure his father misses him greatly too.
His father has moved out of the country earlier this year to Cambodia and I keep trying to bridge them to communicate. Sometimes it feels like I am stretching it too far…I don’t want him to feel like his father has forgotten him. I only wish they can have a great relationship together. I understand his father currently have a lot on his plate but to almost 9 years old, he just needs to connect with his Dad.
I wish I could fix things for my son, but I can’t…I can only give him the love and support he needs as he tries to understand the different dynamics in his life. By acknowledging his feelings, making him feels secure in letting us see how much he misses his father and reassuring him that he is loved by all of us. These are all the things that I could do albeit the things that are beyond my control…at least I can do that.
Has motherhood ever left you feeling helpless?
I’m linking up with my favorite Australian blogger MacKenzie from Reflections from Me.