“You have no rights to talk to yourself like that, darling!”
And I froze…
“You need to stop talking about yourself that way…”
I stumble trying to come up with some sentences in my head. What am I suppose to say to that when he caught me like that.
I stare at my hands, hoping they could form a sentence, some kinds of self defense but I failed miserably.
“I know…” that’s all I could faintly whispered before a tear escaped.
“M, you are beautiful. You need to see what I see in you. Your body is beautiful.”
And to that the waterworks started again.
Looking back, I am so used to say negative things about my body; it’s like a second nature. For years I hated what I saw in the mirror. All I could think of are the imperfections, the little things I would like to change if I could have it my way. Even back to my pre-baby body I thought I was fat!
The mommy pooch aka lower tummy, the sagging breasts, the …I could go on and on. Practically ripping my body apart with negative words. Picking what I want to change and forgot to appreciate what I do have. I couldn’t see my own beauty.
In my head I still feel fat…a lot of the times.
Because I am taller than most of my friends – standing only 5’5” I’m so used to be the tall ones – I still feel big when I stand next to my tiny petite friends.
Growing up, I allowed myself to be brainwashed and think that beautiful = skinny, light skinned, straight black hair…the typical ‘beauty standards’ of Asian countries.
Yes, I got over the light skins ‘demand’. Actually, I’ve come to love my darker complexions and I LOVE to get tanned and I avoided skin whitening products of any forms!
Subconsciously, I was stuck in that “I was fat, therefore I will always be fat” mentality. Plus, it’s so much easier to repeatedly saying those labels than forming a new habit of praising me and my body. I sometimes forget how far along I’ve come in my journey to be healthy.
Being caught off guard like that really got me thinking. Really challenge me to shines a different light and examine myself closely.
The journey of self love…There are definitely good days, there are bad days and you bet I will write more about forming a new habit of self love. Today I am thankful for my scars, yes I may have stretch marks on my tummy but it’s my motherhood badge of honor. I am thankful for strong arms and strong legs.
I am no longer fat…
I am fit…
I am strong…
I am healthier…
I feel good…I am happy!
My body is still a work in progress and my goals are not those ripped six packs – although it wouldn’t hurt to have them – I will continue to be thankful for the chances to nourish my body, to take care of it in the best way possible through clean eating and exercising. In order for me to be around for awhile and be there for my boy then I must take good care of myself.
I no longer feel envious of those tiny petite girls here because I know skinny doesn’t mean you are healthy.