“I envy you so much…” Her voice trails off into the darkness…her eyes wonders off to the unknown horizon.
“Huh? Why??” The very notion of her question took me by surprise.
“Because you have it all under control. You took the leap and let go of your pain.” I can feel every inch of her pain tucked deep behind every words and my heart is breaking. “And now you’re in a happy place.” She let a sigh heavily slipped through her troubled soul “And I can’t do the same thing…”
God, my heart is scattered right then and there for her. Such a beautiful tormented soul.
“I did that…took the leap…and I am now in a happy place but I still have my moments you know. The healing process is a journey.” I wanted to hug her “Everybody is different. You’re actually stronger than you thought.”
Wished I could gave her a more assuring, a more clever witted wisdom loaded answer than that but she knows that I care a whole lot.
“If I was strong, I would’ve left a long time ago…”
When Enough Is Enough
Yes, I took that leap of faith – maybe blinded by so much emotion – but now looking back I could positively say that I sure am glad that I did what I did. Yes, that one top shot lady lawyer blamed me for moving out while I sat in her fancy office bawling my eyes out because she said that was the stupidest move ever.
In the two years leading up to my moving out, there were plenty of times where I contemplating on leaving but never have the guts to actually do it. Hoping he would change made me decided to stay, to fought a little more to glue together a marriage that was clearly had fallen apart at the seams.
Until that moment came…
It was exactly two years and ten days ago, that I finally got the guts to walk away.
Two years and ten days ago, just two days after my birthday, I saw those smiling faces mocking me through the monitor and my life was forever changed.
Two years and ten days ago, I came ‘home’ to that cold sanctuary that supposed to be ‘our home’ and packed up as much of my stuffs as I can. Moved out on 4 March 2010. To add a dramatic touch…I smashed ‘our’ framed picture on the living room floor and shred the picture to pieces and drop that smiling picture of the love birds on top of the mess.
Two years and ten days ago, my world was shaken to its core, my belief in marriage shattered.
Two years and ten days ago…I started hating my birthday.
I was in the darkest deepest pit of despair
That was my “I-had-enough-moment!”, albeit the short-lived attempt to try and fix the marriage again, in a way it was the pain that pushed me to regain my life.
There is no clear cut ways of knowing when enough is enough. Every marriage is different, every case is different. If I had the courage to walked out and end mine, it doesn’t mean I expect all my unhappily married friends to follow suit.
I’ve heard stories of women staying in unhappy marriage for so many different reasons for years, some never leave but it’s their choice and I try not to judge and be supportive instead.
Should You Stay Or Should You Go
As a friend, part of me wish she would leave, would reclaim her own happiness in life instead of living in pain all the time. She deserves better than living a lie that slowly kill her soul inside.
She knows how I feel but I won’t dictate her. If she decided to stay then I would be right there on the sideline being her shoulder to cry on and letting her venting it all out because I understand…I was in her shoes over two years ago. Should she chose to leave she knows I’m there for her too.
That goes for all women contemplating on ending their marriage for whatever reasons. No one can tell you what to do! Knows that if you decide to stay there are prices to pay and maybe – just maybe – your marriage can be salvage, but there are also prices to pay when you decide to get divorce.
Only you knows what is right for you and especially if you have children involves then things won’t be as clear cut.
In a way it’s a catch 22 when there are children in the mix and I can’t give you any advice on what to do other than do what’s best for YOU. I decided to end my marriage because of infidelities and it wasn’t easy but yes, I am in a much happier place today.
And no, I don’t hate my birthday anymore.
I have more reasons to celebrate life now.
If you are divorced when was that moment that you know you had enough? If you are not divorced, what advice would you give to your unhappily married friends?
PS: I’m linking this post up with Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out: Second Anniversary celebration. Go check it out.