Some of you have been wondering about what the hell has been going on in my life.
Some even asked me directly if everything is OK.
Things weren’t OK. I wasn’t fine.
I struggled through something that one day I will gladly share, just not today.
Literally, I’ve been through hell and I thought going through divorce was the hardest times of my life? Boy, was I wrong! Nothing could ever truly prepare me for the whirlwind of chaos, confusions, emotional roller-coaster, pain and anger that I just went through.
At this point of my life I could safely say, I’ve been through hell and I feel like I am emerging on the opposite side of that deep dark place.
Truly, it has been a long road and it has had lots of bumps, lots of moments where I was
this close to throw my hands in the air and give up. But I’ve come too far to just surrender.
So here I am sitting by my desk, quietly typing this away in between work looking absolutely like just another ordinary day, ordinary me. But ordinary just doesn’t cut it anymore when I feel like I’m a whole different person today.
Yet no one knows the things I’ve been through and see the changes in me.
Well maybe those who are the closest to me can feel the changes. I know he saw it right away! When he said “Seeing you this happy warm my heart and bring tears to my eyes, be happy, darling. You deserve it. I love the look in your eyes now.” I knew that came from his heart.
That one man who for the past couple of weeks has seen me at my worse, at my lowest of low, who had seen me curled up and sobbed like a little girl, who had seen anger through my eyes, who had seen me hit rock bottom but refused to give up on me. Heaven blessed me with him!
No one had ever seen me in those states before. Not even my own family.
Even after I pushed him away…he’s still there only if I am not giving up on myself. He gives me tough love, that’s for sure and it’s been worth it.
He’s been my strength in more ways than I could possibly explain. When I feel like giving up, he held my hand. Looked straight into my soul and convinced me that I could do this. He told me not to let fears win. That I have the power, the strength to come through the other side even when I had to cry a river.
No one…and I said no one had ever seen that side of me.
He let me be me in all my flawlessness and scars, he sees right through my heart so much that sometimes I feel he just picked things up out of my head and articulate them. He had seen my absolute inner self and I believed him when he said “I love you for who you really are and who you are becoming and I wish one day you could love yourself as much as I love you.”
I still had my doubts before this but after what I’ve been through and to see this man still standing there? That alone is enough to shut my brain out! My heart knew it. We both knew it. It’s written all over his face and mine.
Thank you, yes you who is very special to me. I heart you big big time, Sayang!