I’m Still Alive

As some of you already know, I’ve been taking a break from blogging for nearly a month now and I can’t thank you guys enough for all your wonderfully sweet and supportive response both through my last post, Twitter and emails.

My life as the way I know it has changed drastically in the past few weeks. No, the changes don’t come as surprise…it all started over 6 months ago actually but this time I am done of pretending that things are alright.

Lil’ A’s life and mine have been altered…

I tried so hard to fight it, to resist the changes but that epiphany came in the past few weeks. Sometimes you can’t resist changes and it is better to embrace and accept that it had happened when fighting over it clearly had become a losing battle.

Today, I can finally admit that I had been living a dual life and it is getting harder and harder to pretend so I’m going to stop. Before, I was afraid to become the talk of the ‘town’ as Indonesian loves to gossips but not anymore. Screw the gossipers…

As I had come to accept this as part of my life that I could never erase, the journey is still long with complicated process ahead of me, ahead of us.

I have been separated from Lil’ A’s father for over 6 months and my marriage is over.

There, I said it…

The realization came last week as I lay down in a clinic about to get some injections on my severe acnes (thanks to those nasty skin supplement pills I took). The doctor and I were discussing pills that can help fighting these acnes from inside. She explained that it’s a strong pill, women are not supposed to get pregnant within a least a year after they took them because it can harm the baby.

Are you married?” she asked as she prep my face for the injections

No. I’m divorced.”

My own answer shocked me as I had never uttered those words ever before and surprisingly…it doesn’t hurt to say it out loud.

Yes, my marriage had come to an end. The divorce proceeding are still being taken care of so officially he is still my husband but I have been living a single mom’s life for half a year now (more if you counts them carefully).

Deep inside…I had finally set him free. As painful as it is…

I had embraced it, I had accepted it…the pain has been my best friends for over 6 months now and I’m starting to see the truth in the old saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

For now, I can only pick up the pieces and move on. There’s a little boy who depends on me to stay strong even when there are still days where I don’t even want to get out of bed and face the hard cruel reality. Still, I have no other choice. There are days when I feel like I’m on an autopilot mode but there are days where the pain doesn’t feel so obvious anymore.

Things would only get better…and I’m going to fight for a better life for myself and for Lil’ A.

So yes, I’m still alive and kickin’…

Comments

comments

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75 Comments on I’m Still Alive

  1. Marsha
    September 21, 2010 at 7:21 pm (7 years ago)

    (((hugs)))
    I’m sorry that you are dealing with the pain from this. I hope that this is step one in making yourself feel better about all that is happening
    Marsha recently posted..Post it note TuesdayMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:31 am (7 years ago)

      Marsha, thank you so much. Writing has been therapeutic for me so I’m hoping by opening up it will help me along the way.

      Reply
  2. liz
    September 21, 2010 at 7:22 pm (7 years ago)

    I’m so, so sorry, Maureen! I know you love your Lil Man, so keep on keepin’ on. Just take it a day at a time. Thinking of you.
    liz recently posted..I Was Stuck&8230My Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:33 am (7 years ago)

      Liz, thank you so much. I am trying to take it one day at a time and that Lil’ Man is one of my biggest source of strength.

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:35 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you Crisc! 🙂

      Reply
  3. Sylvia, Jake and Matt
    September 21, 2010 at 8:05 pm (7 years ago)

    I am so sorry to hear the news. I hope this is for the best for all of you. Be strong.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:36 am (7 years ago)

      Sylvia, thank you. I have been praying for God to guide me in the past 6months and sadly it had to come to this.

      Reply
  4. Lydia
    September 21, 2010 at 8:16 pm (7 years ago)

    HUGS Reen!! I’m very sorry to hear this. Sending you love, prays & hugs all the way from here!!

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:37 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much Lydia. You’ve been there from the beginning of my marriage as a friend so I really appreciate your friendship.

      Reply
  5. Shelona
    September 21, 2010 at 8:42 pm (7 years ago)

    My dearest Oyen,
    every time I run, I say a prayer for each person that comes into my mind. Every step of my marathon journey is a meditation on the move. I’ve been running for a long time, have done many marathons and run races. You and your family are always in my mind every step of the way. Loosing someone you love is only the beginning….but you are a very strong person-you will be alright. Big hugs and kisses for you and Alex.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:39 am (7 years ago)

      Usi Sher, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayer. You had been there since the beginning too and I can’t thank you enough for your wisdom. Hugs you back!

      Reply
  6. Emmy
    September 21, 2010 at 8:57 pm (7 years ago)

    Sending you and Little A Big Hugs from us

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:39 am (7 years ago)

      Em, you have been a God’s send too. Thank you so much for being my friend and for all your kindness.

      Reply
  7. Heidi
    September 21, 2010 at 9:44 pm (7 years ago)

    Sorry to hear about this. It takes courage to share this to the world. Sending you and Alex love and hugs. I hope everything will get better in time. xoxo
    Heidi recently posted..Drawing drawingMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:41 am (7 years ago)

      Heidi, it’s not easy but maybe as much as it will helps me healing by opening up one day it might help someone else in the same situation as you know us Indonesian tends to keep these kinds of ‘tragedy’ as a hush-hush.
      Thank you so much, Heidi!

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:41 am (7 years ago)

      Danke, girl!

      Reply
  8. Ofthesea
    September 21, 2010 at 10:26 pm (7 years ago)

    You’re a wonderful, clever, loving, strong woman. You and your child will be right as rain!

    Also: your skin looks fabulous! And I love the haircut! 🙂

    Chin up, girl. You know we love you.
    Ofthesea recently posted..II – I need to cut back on the writingMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:42 am (7 years ago)

      You’re a rockin girl for sure and I will have to consult you on that toughness 😀 And I love ya too!

      Thank you for your encouraging words.

      PS: That picture was taken before I start taking the supplements LOL.

      Reply
  9. Finally Woken
    September 21, 2010 at 10:27 pm (7 years ago)

    It takes a lot of courage to admit it to public, and it’s even much harder to admit it to ourselves. I’m still here if you need lending ears (or eyes and fingers through our BB hehehe). As Rumi says: “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” I believe better things are just around the corner (trust me, I’ve been there, done that!). Hugs and love from down under!
    Finally Woken recently posted..7 Links ChallengeMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:44 am (7 years ago)

      So true Anita, admitting it to myself and accepting that this is how it is and taking that steps to finally do something and stop being a doormat really is hard and intimidating. Like I said, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me even when you are in another country. You are a special friend in my heart.

      Reply
  10. Mindy
    September 21, 2010 at 10:32 pm (7 years ago)

    I ain’t good in writing but one thing that I can say is that I hope you stay strong and I do know that you’ll be.

    HUGS

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:44 am (7 years ago)

      Mindy, thank you, girl. 🙂

      Reply
  11. BLOGitse
    September 22, 2010 at 3:18 am (7 years ago)

    oh…I’m so sorry. But you know already that you’ll survive even if it’s going to be hard. Done that, been there.
    It’s great you’re honest – for yourself.
    Don’t worry what others might think or gossip – you can’t control other people what ever you do.
    Take care!
    BLOGitse recently posted..Behind the Scenes Video with Bon Jovi – David BergmanMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:46 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much. I will have to grow a thicker skins especially when it comes to dealing with my relatives here. As for others (non-family wise) I had realized now that they can talk till they are blue in the face but they don’t know everything and it’s not their life.
      Thank you again!

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:47 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much! Virtual hugs counts too 🙂

      Reply
  12. Shell
    September 22, 2010 at 3:58 am (7 years ago)

    Hang in there girl!

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:47 am (7 years ago)

      Shell, thank you so much!

      Reply
  13. alicia
    September 22, 2010 at 4:20 am (7 years ago)

    So sorry Maureen to hear of your heartache. My heart goes out to you. I know that you are a strong woman and will be ok. Hang in there. One day at a time. I shared a song on my blog yesterday called “Hide” by Joy Williams. You should listen to it. **HUGS**
    alicia recently posted..Tasty Tuesdays Bloghop- Grilled Pizza in a PinchMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:48 am (7 years ago)

      Lish, thank you so much for your uplifting words and that song you gave me is so perfect. It speaks right through my heart.

      Reply
  14. amandab
    September 22, 2010 at 4:36 am (7 years ago)

    Best wishes to you and Lil A in these difficult times.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:49 am (7 years ago)

      Amanda, thank you so much!

      Reply
  15. Mila Couch
    September 22, 2010 at 7:11 am (7 years ago)

    Even though I don’t know you in person but it hurts me to know what you’ve been going through. I hope things goes well with you and Lil A. *big hugs*

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:50 am (7 years ago)

      Mila, thank you so much for your kind words. I always enjoys your visits here.

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:51 am (7 years ago)

      I don’t feel like I’m that strong but I hope I will reach that point, Sonia. Thank you.

      Reply
  16. Jane in Australia
    September 22, 2010 at 9:07 am (7 years ago)

    bless you for your courage, go forward now. Be as strong as you can. Take care of your Lil one.
    hugs
    Jane in Australia recently posted..weekend ItalianMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:51 am (7 years ago)

      Jane, my friend, thank you so much for your kind words. Hugs!

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:52 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you Joey, I am accepting the fact that I still need sometimes to grieve before I can move on to my next block that is healing.

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:54 am (7 years ago)

      Verena, your kind words help me a lot. Believe me. Hugs!
      Thank you so much and I will check out your link. My face is better now 🙂

      Reply
  17. Kate
    September 22, 2010 at 8:47 pm (7 years ago)

    Maureen! I was so excited when I saw your post pop up into my email!

    I’m glad to hear that you finding acceptance and I hope you know you have my prayers! I’ve thought about you a lot over the last month hoping to see another blog post from you. I hope that Lil ‘A is doing okay with it all.

    We love you and I’m glad to see a post from you today!

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:55 am (7 years ago)

      Kate, I have missed you and your blogs a lot!

      I’m sorry I haven’t reply to your last email. I’ve been staying offline most of the times but now I’m back.

      Also, thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers. I really believe in their power.

      Love you too, my friend!

      Reply
  18. MamaOnDaGo
    September 22, 2010 at 10:18 pm (7 years ago)

    You know I’ve missed you! I’m sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re going through. I’m glad you’re being strong and moving on. Loving the new do.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:57 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much, girl! I’ve missed you too a lot and I’m so thankful for your messages on twitter. They helps me a lot.

      Reply
  19. kris
    September 22, 2010 at 11:11 pm (7 years ago)

    you worded this just perfect tatter! i am so sorry your hurting. just know you are doing everything right. you an amazing mother and alex is going to turn out perfect. hang in there girl, i know life is not easy right now. you will get stronger and as the days pass it will get easier. you know i am always here for you girl.
    love you, kris

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 12:58 am (7 years ago)

      Kris, I don’t know if I could ever be this strong if you wasn’t there! Although you are thousands of miles away but you were the one that always keep me strong and I can’t thank you enough for your support. I love you more than words, girl!

      Reply
  20. Margaret @ Single and Sane
    September 23, 2010 at 1:07 am (7 years ago)

    I’m so sorry. It takes time to grieve for any loss in life, and this is a huge one. Give yourself permission to grieve, but at the same time, take opportunities to try new experiences. Start new traditions with your son, and make new memories.

    Hugs,
    Margaret
    Margaret @ Single and Sane recently posted..Good News About Those Few Extra PoundsMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 1:00 am (7 years ago)

      Margaret, thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to grieve. In my blog I can ‘bear it all’ and put my feelings into words where in my real life I keep it all inside. I am putting myself out there trying to enjoy life again by doing new things. I love your ‘new traditions’ idea. Thank you so very much. God bless your beautiful heart. Hugs!

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 1:02 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much, Ashley! Hugs!

      Reply
  21. Fadra
    September 23, 2010 at 1:27 am (7 years ago)

    Turns out your blog was already in my reader. I just never seem to be able to make it that far down in my list.

    I read your last post and this one. I don’t know your whole story but I have a little boy too who is almost 4 years old. He is my entire heart and he has such a caring soul inside. I think hardship is sometimes easier to face when you know you have such a wonderful person that you have created and are shaping and molding into that which we need more of in this world. Hugs to you.
    Fadra recently posted..Life After CheesesteakMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 1:03 am (7 years ago)

      So true, Fadra! All it took is one hug or one little kiss from my boy and I can feel his love wrapping me tightly and that is what gets me through most days where I feel like I’m in a dark deep hole.

      Thank you so much for your beautiful words! I’ll be catching up with your blog too. 🙂

      Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 1:04 am (7 years ago)

      Thank you so much, Nolie!

      Reply
  22. indrii
    September 23, 2010 at 2:31 am (7 years ago)

    Hi Maureen, I have been a reader of your blog, a silent reader, so to say. But for this post, I have to express my support for you and Lil’ A.

    I wish you and Lil’ A the best in the next step in life. May you both be strong!

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 1:05 am (7 years ago)

      Hi Indrii, first of all thank you for being a reader here. And thank you for your support and kind words. Really appreciate it!

      Reply
  23. Natalie
    September 23, 2010 at 11:47 pm (7 years ago)

    Hugs to you my friend. I know how difficult this must be. But you are so strong, and you are doing it! And you’ve got a ton of support – we’re all here for you 🙂
    Natalie recently posted..My Favorite Gift of All TimeMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 24, 2010 at 1:06 am (7 years ago)

      Natalie, thank you so much! I am so blessed with so many people that care and supports me through this darkest time. Love ya, girl!

      Reply
  24. Tisha
    September 24, 2010 at 2:48 am (7 years ago)

    Maureen,
    You are one brave girl! And not just for doing something so courageous as ending a relationship that no longer serves you even when it seems like it’s the hardest thing in the world to do. Your braveness also shows in your willingness to share your pain so candidly, secure in the knowledge that you if you took the leap and trusted, you would be supported. Bravo my dear!!
    I am sending thoughts of positive energy and strength your way and feeling very grateful that I happened upon your wonderful blog.
    Wishing you a peaceful transition to your new life…
    Tisha recently posted..Three Things Thursday- Blogging MistakesMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:42 pm (7 years ago)

      Hi Tisha, thank you so much for your kinds and encouraging words. It really is not easy but I had come to accept that it had sadly come to an end and since writing has been very therapeutic for me it does helps me to ‘air it out’ although I decided not to disclose the real cause out of respects for him and my inlaws. Maybe if I can help myself in this transition phase like you said through writing then maybe it would help someone else down the line.

      Thank you again, Tisha!

      Reply
  25. MommaKiss
    September 25, 2010 at 9:51 am (7 years ago)

    You ARE still alive. And you’re still that lil boy’s momma. The end of something you thought would be forever, that sucks. It does. But it’s where you are and you will be strong for your kiddo. Happy to see the update, not the purpose of it. Peace, friend.
    MommaKiss recently posted..Friday Flip Offs 9-24My Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:43 pm (7 years ago)

      Thanks, girl! You are so right…if it wasn’t because of my son I would probably curled up in a hole die.

      Reply
  26. Tina @ Life Without Pink
    September 26, 2010 at 7:26 pm (7 years ago)

    I’m late on this sorry….Hugs to you – I’m so sorry you are going through this. But you sound like you are super strong – I guess having children can do this for us. I pray it works out for you!

    Reply
    • Maureen
      September 28, 2010 at 3:49 pm (7 years ago)

      Tina, no worries…I’ve been away from blogging for awhile and I too still haven’t catch up with everyone blogs but thank you so much for your kind words and your prayers.

      Reply
  27. Alexandra
    October 2, 2010 at 11:56 pm (7 years ago)

    That which doesn’t conquer us, we conquer.

    We are here. And will always be.

    Reply
    • Maureen
      November 21, 2010 at 9:39 am (7 years ago)

      And that is why I admire you, wise Empress! Thank you so much for all your supports!

      Reply
  28. Laura Prinsloo
    October 29, 2010 at 4:42 pm (7 years ago)

    Hi Maureen,
    I just stumbled upon your blog and started reading it. I dont know you but after reading your blog, I really want to give you a HUGE hug!!! I will pray for you tonight and trust me God is besides you day by day to give you strength. Maybe similar to you, Im Indonesian by birth but New Zealander by heart 🙂 just recently moved back to Jakarta after living in NZ for more than 10 years.
    Btw, you are an awesome writer (I know because Im a publisher) so never stop writing ya!!

    Reply
    • Maureen
      November 21, 2010 at 9:42 am (7 years ago)

      Hi Laura,
      Your kind words really touched my heart, even coming from someone I didn’t know. Thank you! I would love to get to know you especially since you’re back in Jakarta again. That must be some adjustment you have to go through after living in NZ for more than 10 years, so yes, we have something in common.
      Thank you again, Laura…you’re the first publisher that told me this and you made my day! 😀

      Reply

3Pingbacks & Trackbacks on I’m Still Alive

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by missjeanni and Maureen, Maureen. Maureen said: Blog update: I’m Still Alive http://ow.ly/1qTuPu and finally opening up […]

  2. […] Then my world changed… […]

  3. […] when I got reassuring comment like this one or this one from readers, I still have doubts. I still have moments where I questioned my ability […]

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