Was going to make a photo collage of myself today but decided maybe a blog post would be better.
You know I’ve shared my fat story here on this little blog of mine before and explained how I’ve battled body image for years.
What shocked me the most was I didn’t have that many pictures of myself after A was born. Going through thousands of pictures I kept on that external hard drive, my heart ache. “Was it that bad?”, “Did I really hide myself behind my camera, behind the excuse of new motherhood?” What little pictures of myself there were either taken by my ex-mom in laws.
Someone in my family blamed me for letting myself go after I left Mr. X…before the initial shock of finally leaving sinking in. I still remember that pain that shred me after hearing such comment. So he cheated because I was a fat ugly wife? Wow!
As life goes on, my weight went back up and down…it was like a yo-yo on steroids. I would commit myself to do power walking, the weights went down then I would lose steam and quit. Of course the weight went back up.
Last year, I lost a lot of weights from power walking but that didn’t last long.
Until I made that turned to change my lifestyle altogether…who knew lifting weights and to feel the burns feel so good? With all the crap that I’ve been through the pain of working-out is nothing! For once, I found my therapy and endorphins are addicting you know!
I’ve blogged about how good it makes me feels and how now I realized it is a lifestyle change not a crash diet to fit into a bikini! Although yes, I’ve recently purchased a new cute little bikini to motivate me. Hah!
Then to hear:
“You need to stop losing weight! You look so old now and ugly!”
If that came from a stranger or a friend I’d probably can laugh it off and call them jealous but when it came from someone who suppose to support you and love you? It hurts so damn much!
Let me get this straight, as I am typing this I am still weighing 60kilos (132lbs) and being 5’5” how on earth does that makes me too skinny? I just don’t get it maybe I’ll never will.
Do you know what I want? I want to get toned! I want muscles! And ladies and gentlemen, to do so I still have to lower my body fat percentage! The last time I got measured by my trainer nearly two months ago, I had a 27% body fat!
Lowering body fat has been my goal…heck, I had even stopped weighing myself until I heard that comment above.
So trying to live a healthy lifestyle, trying to lower my body fat makes me look so old and ugly?
I have been working my ass off trying to meet my goal. At least I want to reach 25% body fat so that’s why I’m cutting out bad carbs like rice, etc. After reaching my goal, I would start eating carbs again but sticking with healthier ones.
It’s not like I am starving myself like I used to do many years ago. Actually, I’ve been eating more now that I had ever been but with healthier choices. I have never feel this good, this strong ever before even when I was at my lowest weight which was 55 kilos (121lbs) so why I keep getting such negative comments are beyond me.
This threw me down since yesterday but now I took my frustrations out by lifting those dumbbells and let every beads became my tears. Letting the sore muscles numbing the pain in my heart.
Maybe this is life, you could never win. When you’re fat you are wrong…when you try to get healthy you are also wrong…but I know I’m not trying to be a skinny bitch, that’s for sure.