I Used To Dream of Pink Bows

For as long as I remember…even long before I met Mr. X, I always dream of pink bows…I always wanted a baby girl.

Since the first time that drug store bought pregnancy test shows positive sign, well actually since before I even got married …I always know I wanted a baby girl. Being the only girl in my family and since he already have two amazing boys…I always dream for that baby girl.

I even had a name picked out for her…a really beautiful name.

From day one we referred to our unborn child as a she. I secretly whispered to her when I lay down in bed at night picturing her beautiful pink coming home outfit, thinking of the cute little pink bows she will be parading in town. When we went shopping my heart would skipped a beat every time I see a cute tiny dress, if Mr. X thought I’m one nuts preggo wife – he never say it, he would just smile and nodded when I told him how pretty she will look like in this dress or that skirt!

As my tiny bumps grows, I eagerly followed my mom’s old wives tales. It involved my wedding ring, a strand of my hair…I would loop that hair around the ring – a makeshift pendulum – then hang it on top of my tummy. Not moving my hand, I will anxiously watched where the ‘pendulum’ swing. If it swings back & forth it suppose to be a boy, left to right means a baby girl is in our horizon. So I was giddy with happiness when my ‘pendulum’ swing left to right.

I took that Chinese gender prediction chart but didn’t want to believe it when the result said we’re having a baby boy!

When it was time to find out about our baby’s sex – I had successfully convinced myself that we are indeed having a girl. So when the technician announced in her thick Southern accent “Congratulations you guys, you are having a baby boy…” I was shocked! Hand gripping Mr. X’s hand…I turned my face to the wall so our cheerful technician won’t see the tears, glad that the room was dimmed. “See that’s his penis…” she eagerly explained as I felt my dreams came crushing hard.

Mr. X held me tight in that dark room after we were done as I wept for the baby girl that never meant to be mine…ours. “It’s alright, Baby…” he whispered in my ears.

I’m embarrassed to say that it took a jolt of a severe preeclampsia diagnosis on the 30th week of pregnancy to made me really fell in love with our baby boy. The fear of having him too early, the 4 weeks of bed-rest, two hospitalizations later…I begged God to save our unborn baby. Guilt made my heart so heavy, I thought God was punishing me for wanting something else than what He already blessed us with.

Mommy do love you little man…” I would softly whispered while rubbing my belly as I feel him starting to kick and do somersaults. “Please hang in there…please be strong!

2 weeks before his grand entrance

He did hang in there like I begged him, we got to ‘baked’ him some more until my pregnancy reached 35 weeks. Tears streamed down my face the moment I heard his cries fill the cold operation room and I knew my heart had walked straight right out my body!

Holding him for the very first time – 3 days later after he was born I just know I would never trade him in for a thousand beautiful pink bows!

Now, flash forward almost 4 years later…I still think of what it would be like to have a baby girl, my uterus still startled whenever I see a cute little girl but as I put on my dress to go to church yesterday, I heard “Wow, Mommy beautiful! You look like a princess!” coming out sincerely from my little man, I know I would never have him any other way!

Wrote this post to celebrate Theta Mom’s First Blogiversary. Head over there to read more powerful and beautifully written posts.

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Maureen

Lifestyle and travel blogger, founder of Single Moms Indonesia on a quest of finding joy in everyday life and living life to the fullest with kindness, compassion, grace and a bit of sass.

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56 Comments

  1. June 28, 2010 / 6:12 pm

    Wow this hit home for me as I can totally relate {and have written about}. I have two boys and the thought of not having a girl is still a shocker to me. I always assumed I would have a girl. I am right in your shoes. But like you I would NEVER change it for the world.

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:25 pm

      Thanks for saying it out loud, Tina! It’s comforting in a way to know that what I feel is normal that I’m not a crazy mama. I still daydream about having a baby girl too but I am thankful for my son, very thankful πŸ˜€

  2. June 28, 2010 / 6:29 pm

    Maureen, I love when you said, “Holding him for the very first time – 3 days later after he was born I just know I would never trade him in for a thousand beautiful pink bows!” THAT is the power of motherhood and you captured it here so well!

    Thanks for sharing your story and the beautiful picture. πŸ™‚

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:26 pm

      Thanks for giving me the chance to pour my heart out and write about this, Heather. I never tell anyone about this before so that’s why it was hard but you had provided a platform to let me open up. So thank you and Happy Blogiversary to you!

  3. June 28, 2010 / 6:38 pm

    What a great, honest post. So many people glaze over the fact that they wished for one gender or another, but it really can be heartbreaking when you have your heart set on one and get the other. Although, the love is natural for any child…no matter the gender. I really enjoyed this post.
    Lindsay @ Just My Blog recently posted..I am a Theta MomMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:34 pm

      Thank you Lindsay, and it made me feel guilty that I want a different gender when some of my friends were having a hard time getting pregnant so I guess that’s why it took me this long to allowed myself to finally admit that I wanted a girl so badly. Thank you for visiting me!

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:35 pm

      Aww thank you Penny, I was teary eyed too when I wrote this. Thank you so much for stopping by!

  4. June 28, 2010 / 9:20 pm

    I TOTALLY understand- having 3 boys myself. I do occasionally get a pang at all the girly cuteness, but I wouldn’t trade my boys for anything!

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:36 pm

      I’m so glad to finally opened up about how I feel because reading your comment and Tina’s I know I’m not alone…that there are other moms out there who understands. But you’re so right, we will never trade our sweet boys! πŸ˜€

  5. June 28, 2010 / 9:34 pm

    Just lovely! Your son is a very lucky fella to have you for a mama.

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:37 pm

      Awww…thank you for your kind words! I hope he’ll feel that way when he grows up πŸ™‚ Thank you for visiting me back.

  6. June 28, 2010 / 9:49 pm

    This is beautiful, well done hun. I can really relate but the other way round. When we found out I was pregnant, everyone, including me, thought we were having a boy. I spoke to ‘him’ all the time and built up a bond. When we found out ‘he’ was in fact ‘she’ it was if I was almost mourning for the boy I thought I was having, who was ‘gone’. It only lasted a few days and now I can’t imagine having had anyone but Piglet, she’s my world. We will be trying again and part of me wonders if it will be a little boy this time but I know I will fall in love with whoever arrives!
    Pumpkin and Piglet recently posted..Food- Glorious FoodMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:40 pm

      Thanks hun! Yes, isn’t amazing the power of newborn babies can bring in our lives…I too felt a love inside me that I never knew existed before when I first got to hold him in my arms. Hopefully you will have your boy with your next pregnancy, hun then you’ll have a set! πŸ˜€

  7. June 28, 2010 / 9:58 pm

    This is a beautiful post…and I love EVERYTHING about it!
    Natalie recently posted..Sweet MemoryMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:40 pm

      Thank you Natalie πŸ˜€

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:41 pm

      Thank you so much, Kerry! πŸ™‚ Big hugs your way too!

  8. June 29, 2010 / 4:11 am

    Oooh, how touching! You aren’t the first person I know to be disappointed to tears. But it sounds like it all worked out in the end. πŸ™‚
    liz recently posted..Modern Mom DateMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:42 pm

      Thanks Liz, for awhile I thought I was really a bad bad person to felt that way but now even when I still get a pang when I see cute little girls, I think I can accept that I’ll just have wait and get Lil’ A to give me cute little granddaughters when his time comes hahaha.

  9. June 29, 2010 / 4:58 am

    What a beautiful post! So incredibly honest and genuine. I think that sometimes the things we end up loving the most, are the ones that we never expected.

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:44 pm

      I so love what you said about the things we end up loving the most, are the ones that we never expected! Thank you for that…and thank you for visiting me πŸ™‚

  10. June 29, 2010 / 8:16 am

    What a lovely post. And “my heart walked out of my body” is one of the best descriptions of that moment I’ve ever read!
    CDG recently posted..Invested -amp PoignantMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:46 pm

      Thank you! As soon as I heard him crying I feel like I just want to jump out of that bed and let them staple me back up later because I want to hold him so much but I can’t and seeing them taking him to NICU right away was the hardest part.

  11. June 29, 2010 / 8:42 am

    I think your son is very lucky to have you! I understand the desire for a girl! I’m loving dressing up my daughter! But sons are wonderful, too & maybe one day you’ll have a daughter-in-law or grand-daughters!! (Not super soon or anything…)
    Cameron recently posted..For the Newbie BloggersMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:49 pm

      I’m hoping for the later, Cameron that when his time comes he can give me a beautiful daughter in-law and grand daughters πŸ˜€ Yes, the bond with boys are amazing too. I may never feel how fun it is to dress up my own daughters but with everything that we both went through from the pregnancy itself to his times in NICU I think I am just so thankful to have him.
      Thanks for your sweet words! πŸ™‚

  12. June 29, 2010 / 8:43 am

    Great post, Maureen. I, too, had a twinge of sadness when I found out I was first pregnant with a boy. he didn’t make things easier for me to love when he was a colicky, constantly hungry, unhappy baby. But…the sweet boy he turned into? Well, I can tell you, because I have one of each, that it’s NOT a cliche about the special love between a boy and his mom. it’s just different than with a girl and her mom. It is amazing…treasure it. It only gets better! πŸ™‚
    gigi recently posted..Top 5 Reasons I Hate This Board GameMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:50 pm

      Thanks so much Gigi! Yes, although sometimes my son drives me crazy I know we have a very special bond and although I might never know how it would feel like to have a girl, I’m glad to have this bond with him. So thank you for sharing your own experience, girl! πŸ˜€

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:51 pm

      Thanks Julia! Very sweet of you!

  13. June 29, 2010 / 12:11 pm

    Love this post. Sad and so sweet. Amazing what our minds can convince us of. You are blessed to have gotten a healthy one though. I also had eclampsia and haven’t really shared my story about little man, but I went 2 weeks over and had a seizure while pushing him out. Long story for another day. But thanks for sharing. And thanks for stopping by my blog. You were so fast tonight.
    alicia recently posted..Tasty Tuesdays- 4th of July CupcakesMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:54 pm

      Thank you, Lish! So sorry to hear you had eclampsia, girl! My obygyn was so worried I might develop eclampsia that’s why he scheduled me for an emergency c-section that very afternoon while I just thought we’d come for another round of check up and ultrasounds. That is a more critical condition than preeclampsia but I’m so glad everything worked out for you and your son is a healthy handsome young man now.

  14. June 29, 2010 / 6:24 pm

    Maureen,

    Thank you so much for stopping by my blog. Your post was very touching. We really wanted a girl too because my husband has 4 brothers and no sisters, and 3 of them had already had a boy and no girl. So we did have one in the end and I love it, but nothing prepared me for the sweetness of having 2 sons afterwards.

    One of my best friends here is from Jakarta and she wants to move back there with her french husband and son. I keep saying – no, no stay here in France!!

    • June 30, 2010 / 8:58 pm

      Thank you for visiting me back, Miss.
      A girl is so rare in my family too. My husband only have 1 brother, then he have 2 sons from his previous marriage. While in my family I was the long standing the only grand daughter for years before I got a girl cousin LOL. Oh, you’re so right about the sweetness of having a son!

      That’s so wonderful you have an Indonesian best friend there! Tell her I said ‘apa kabar?’ πŸ˜€

  15. June 29, 2010 / 6:32 pm

    Maureen, this is a beautiful story. It’s so true that sometimes our greatest happiness comes from totally unexpected, or even unwanted, places and people. Little boys are the BEST. Thanks for sharing!

    • June 30, 2010 / 9:04 pm

      Thank you Joy…thank you for your sweet words and for visiting my blog πŸ™‚

  16. June 29, 2010 / 10:29 pm

    As the mother of 3 boys, can I tell you how you made me cry.

    That was beyond beautiful. Beyond. I love my boys, even if women tell me over and over “how sad, no girls.”

    I.Love.My.Boys.
    Alexandra recently posted..The Pied Piper of ToothvilleMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 9:56 pm

      Aww…wish I can give you a hug! Thank you tho’…I hear almost similar comments all the time living back in my home country “Is that your only child?” followed by “Why not have more?! Get pregnant again and maybe you’ll have a girl!” Sigh…but I’m dealing with these better now.

      Thank you so much for visiting me! When my son is big enough and blogging world is still around I’ll have him blog here too just like your fantastic boy! πŸ˜€

  17. June 29, 2010 / 11:09 pm

    Thank you for your honesty. So many women struggle with the same thing and never admit it. I did the same, but opposite. My third child is a girl, the first girl. And when the technician announced she is a little girl I flipped out!

    What you said about your little boy calling you a princess: priceless. My sons will still say kind things like that to me even as they enter their teen years. Boys are a mother’s heart.
    Sugar Mama recently posted..What I’m Learning in My 30β€²s- I Can’t Get Back Their ChildhoodsMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 10:04 pm

      Awww…that’s so sweet of your boys and it really warmth my heart to know they would still do that even in their teen years. You had raised them well, Mama!

      It’s not easy to write and admitted I felt that way because for years I felt like I’m being a bad mother while there are women out there who is having a hard time just getting pregnant but I’m at peace now with a healthy sweet boy who loves to gives kisses and would occasionally blurted out “I love you, Mommy” πŸ˜€

      Thank you for visiting my blog.

  18. June 30, 2010 / 12:20 am

    I, too, have always wanted to have a girl (more than one, actually). I know I’ll be happy with any children God blesses me with, but I do hope to at least adopt a girl even if I don’t give birth to one! (Actually, scratch that, I want to adopt a girl regardless of who/if I give birth!)
    Ronnica recently posted..5 Years in North CarolinaMy Profile

    • June 30, 2010 / 10:05 pm

      Ronnica, your words almost brought me to tears. It would be so beautiful to adopt a girl…I wish we’re in a place where we can do that too.

  19. July 1, 2010 / 11:01 am

    I remember being a little disappointed when we found out our 2nd was a boy… I have a sister, and I really wanted my daughter to experience that sisterhood bond. Plus, I love the pink bows and all things girly! But they are buddies in ways I couldn’t have imagined, and I’ve realized the sister/brother bond can be just as strong. And I wouldn’t trade my little boy for the world!

    Such a sweet post. Loved this one!
    Booyah’s Momma recently posted..Motherhood is a club And I dont mean the whapping kindMy Profile

    • July 21, 2010 / 12:00 pm

      So true on the brotherly love. Thank you for sharing your own experience so openly…it really makes me feel like “You know, it’s normal and it’s not wrong to feel the way I did.”

  20. July 5, 2010 / 7:08 am

    What a beautiful post! Life is full of surprises and sometimes, those surprises are better than what we could have dreamed.

    Sincerely yours,
    Sarah Baron
    Anonymous8

    • July 21, 2010 / 12:06 pm

      Sarah, I love your words “Life is full of surprises and sometimes, those surprises are better than what we could have dreamed.” How very true! Thank you for stopping by.

  21. finnie
    July 8, 2010 / 2:08 am

    aduh terharu deh bacanya, inget pas hamil nyokap bilang jangan pernah berharap anak laki atau perempuan, apapun yg dikasih yg penting sehat, lengkap, dan sempurna. walaupun ga bisa boong dalam hati berharap pgn banget punya anak cewe, tp sampe USG 4D (6bln) harapan2 itu ud ga kepikiran krn pernah skali minor bleeding.. jadi lbh berdoa buat kesehatan&kesempurnaannya aja.. eh pas cek rutin obgynnya bilang perempuan, tp saking ngga percayanya sampe ke dokter spesialisasi USG(lupa nama kedokterannya) & obgyn alternatif (krn obgyn gue jg hamil cmn beda 2 mgg). tapi percaya deh, mau anak laki-laki atau perempuan.. kita tetep seorang ibu.. πŸ™‚

    • July 21, 2010 / 12:13 pm

      Makasih ya Fin πŸ˜€ Bener banget yang lo bilang setelah gw sakit preeclampsia baru nyadar tuh kmaren it’s not important lagi rasanya mo cewek ato cowok yang penting anak gw lahir sehat.

  22. July 8, 2010 / 9:16 pm

    Touching story, wow, I could definitely relate to that. Cuma gw kebalikannya. All of Bri’s first baby clothes were blue color cuz I was so sure it’s going to be a baby boy.
    Dhi recently posted..Casting for baby clothesMy Profile

    • July 21, 2010 / 12:14 pm

      Thank you Dhi! Untungnya waktu itu gw cuman pernah beli 1 baby dress warnanya merah putih super cute, itu belinya jauh-jauh sebelum hamil hehehe. Akhirnya gw kasih temen gw waktu itu.

  23. July 19, 2010 / 8:38 am

    Stopping by from SITS.

    We’re done having children and while I love my three (all of the same gender) I still mourn for the one we never did get to have. Not because my three aren’t wonderful, but because the dream of that little person that he thought we’d have never came to be.

    • July 21, 2010 / 12:16 pm

      Aww Jamie, I can feel you and I agree that it’s that one dream that will still sometimes makes us wonder what it’s like to have a different gender baby. We only have one (DH already have 2 boys from his first marriage). Thank you so much for stopping by.

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