I Am Not Fine

I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not, and who I am

The song…no, that song came on!

I closed my eyes and let every words sinks deeper into my soul.

How can there be so much truth out of one line in a song that’s totally talks about something completely different.

When you’re needing your space to do some navigating, I will be here patiently waiting to see what you find.

That’s what I am doing right now.

Space…

Navigating…

Trying to understand it all.

No, I’m not okay…” I hang my head as more tears escaped from me. A weep got caught in my throat.

Just to hear, to feel myself uttering those words after all of these years felt surreal. Me, the one who always puts on a brave face, the one who fool everyone and look  strong all the time is now breaking. Decades of self defense mechanism finally failed to protect me.

No, I’m not fine…” I shook my weary head.

Pain, unspeakable pain numb me.

Fear, threatening to stop my steps.

Then I feel that gentlest tap, ever so softly touching my shoulder.

The voice fill my heart. “Allow it, let it, welcome it and then in its own time it will leave. But first you need to feel it and experience it as fully as possible. Be in this moment with it, you will be fine if you allow it to pass through  you. It is blockages that do harm. Freedom to feel heals.

Freedom to feel heals, promise me you will remember that.

And with that I shut my eyes and let tears washes over me. For today and for awhile I won’t be fine, I won’t be OK but I will get through this.

Linking up with Alison and Galit for their awesome Memories Captured.

 

PS: This post was inspired by Jason Mraz’s song “I Wont’ Give Up.”

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Maureen

Lifestyle and travel blogger, founder of Single Moms Indonesia on a quest of finding joy in everyday life and living life to the fullest with kindness, compassion, grace and a bit of sass.

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48 Comments

  1. June 10, 2013 / 8:24 pm

    Hon, I’m so sorry that you’re not okay. I hope you have the love and support you need to get you through this time.

    Thank you for linking up with us.
    Alison recently posted..Memories Captured: We’re Back!My Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:17 am

      Thank you, Alison. I am leaning on the love and support for now as I maneuver my way out of this mess.

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:17 am

      Thank you Shell, that means a lot.

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:18 am

      Thank you so much, Galit! Hugs.

  2. Sherri
    June 11, 2013 / 3:26 am

    I am so sorry you are having a rough time…

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:19 am

      Thank you, Sherri.

  3. June 11, 2013 / 4:02 am

    This was an incredibly beautiful and moving post. My heart feels with you right now.
    Stevie recently posted..Wannabe Pinterest GirlsMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:20 am

      Really appreciate your kind words, Stevie.

  4. June 11, 2013 / 8:37 am

    Thank you for sharing this brave reflection with us. The Jewish Proverb is absolutely beautiful and so true! Sending lots of well wishes your way during this tough time.
    Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama recently posted..Help End Child HungerMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:21 am

      I stumble on that proverb ‘accidentally’ but maybe not so. Maybe that was sings from above to reminds me that it’s OK to admit you are not OK.
      Thank you for your kind words.

  5. June 11, 2013 / 9:28 am

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling — my goodness I know how that feels. I really hope that things get better and you’re right you WILL get through this. Hopefully sooner than later.
    Marta recently posted..Reaching New Heights.My Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:22 am

      In a way it gives a little comfort knowing we are not alone isn’t? Thank you so very much!

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:23 am

      Kerstin, your words comfort me in a way I might fail to describe. Thank you so very much.

  6. June 11, 2013 / 7:55 pm

    You wrote this with sheer passion and honesty. I felt as though I were seeing a piece of your soul. That is where real writing lives. Thank you for sharing and I’m sending you a virtual hug. So glad to have found you via Memories Captured.
    Jenn recently posted..Memories CapturedMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:25 am

      Thank you Jenn, this short piece just came straight from my heart so it does bearing a fragment of my soul. Virtual hug can be amazing. Thank you and so happy to connect with you through Memories Captured.

  7. June 11, 2013 / 11:31 pm

    This is an amazing post. I love the proverb; it’s so true. Sometimes we just need to cry, to experience the sadness and the difficulty so that we can move forward. Wishing you a lot of success as you navigate the challenges before you.
    Rivki Silver recently posted..The Truth About Feeding Small ChildrenMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:27 am

      Appreciate your thoughts and kind words, Rivki.
      I really think it is important to feel the sadness, the anger, the emotions before I could go through it and to accept that it is normal.
      Thank you again.

  8. June 11, 2013 / 11:36 pm

    I am so sorry you are in that painful, not okay place. Please know that you are not alone as you get through this. Sending you love today.
    Tracie recently posted..A-B-C’s Of MeMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:28 am

      Really appreciate your words, thank you Tracie.

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:29 am

      Today is better, thank you. Hugs 🙂

  9. June 12, 2013 / 1:18 am

    Beautifully written and heartfelt. Much love.
    Andrea recently posted..About Me ABCMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:30 am

      Thank you Andrea.

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 12, 2013 / 9:48 am

      Thank you so much Ashley.

  10. June 12, 2013 / 8:57 am

    You must be on the right track – my mom always used to tell people she wasn’t fine, all the time. She justified it like this, “I’m not fine – but that shows you that I’m trying.” Purging your soul is never easy, but you’ll get through it, no doubt about it.
    Nami recently posted..The Secret IngredientMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 13, 2013 / 2:38 pm

      Your mom sounds like a true hero, Nami!
      I love that “I’m not fine but that shows you that I’m trying.”
      Thank you, girl!

  11. June 12, 2013 / 9:03 am

    Thanks for sharing this experience. We all take our situations for granted sometimes, and it takes special stories like yours to show us that we are all in the same place when it comes to the heart.
    Nami recently posted..The Secret IngredientMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 13, 2013 / 2:39 pm

      Gentle hugs. Thank you Nami.

  12. June 12, 2013 / 5:35 pm

    Oh, this post and that you are going through something tough makes me sad. I’m here for you, though, if only virtually. Please email me if you ever want to chat. xo.
    Jessica recently posted..Beautiful DifferenceMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 13, 2013 / 2:40 pm

      Thank you, Jessica…really. Thank you.

  13. June 12, 2013 / 9:00 pm

    Yes. Yes you will. Know what? It’s ok to feel those feelings. They are scary. They are horrible. But they are ok. They move you towards healing. Repressing them regresses you.
    You’re not ok but you will be.
    You’re so strong. You got this.
    Love you.
    Kimberly recently posted..This Is Right NowMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 13, 2013 / 2:41 pm

      You are my inspiration, have I told you that?
      In time I will be ok…
      Love you, lady!

  14. June 13, 2013 / 7:57 pm

    There’s a saying that “Weeping lasts for a night, but joy always cometh in the morning.” I am sending you prayers that you will get through this, Mo! You’re such a strong woman! You will taste that joy — and have the longest, loudest laugh.

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 17, 2013 / 10:32 am

      Oh I love that saying, Martine!
      Thank you for sharing that.
      I can see and feel joy already but yes I had to fight my way out of the weeping period first.

  15. June 15, 2013 / 3:37 am

    This is beautifully heartbreaking. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I know all too well right now the emotions you’ve captured with words. You’re right. There’s freedom in feeling. Let it happen.
    Adrienne recently posted..Memories CapturedMy Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 17, 2013 / 10:35 am

      Thank you, Adrienne.
      Allowing myself to feel and acknowledging those feelings really help me.

  16. June 15, 2013 / 4:34 pm

    I am so sorry that you have to to through this but so happy that if you must, you are. I 100% agree that it’s the resisting of emotions that causes blockages. Feel it, be in it, and then we can ultimately, let it go. Sending lots of love. xo
    Ilene recently posted..This Is 43My Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 17, 2013 / 10:37 am

      I’ve resist this for way too long, Ilene that’s why when I finally surrendered to it, feeling it, acknowledging it, understanding it then I am on my path to healing.
      Thank you for your kind words. Hugs!

  17. June 15, 2013 / 10:01 pm

    This is so wonderfully healthy, although painful. I usually try to white-knuckle it and convince myself that I AM fine, but then the healing takes so long.

    I hope you are healed and whole soon.
    Lady Jennie recently posted..Memories Captured (by a dog)My Profile

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 17, 2013 / 10:39 am

      That’s so true!
      Pulling the big girls pants and pretend to be OK doesn’t work sometimes and just slowing the process down.
      Thank you for your kind words!

  18. June 16, 2013 / 8:53 am

    There was a time when I thought it wasn’t okay to not be fine because my problems were small compared to so many. But a dear friend once reminded me that no matter how small, they are mine and I matter. It’s important to not be fine sometimes. I think it’s our way to reevaluate and heal. You are strong and so many love you. Sending hugs!

    • Maureen
      Author
      June 17, 2013 / 10:41 am

      Oh your friend is so very wise, Nicolette!
      It does matter and owning it is powerful and I think the first step to healing.
      Your kind words warms my heart. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

  19. June 17, 2013 / 10:59 am

    Wishing you well. Praying that PEACE and comfort finds you.

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