This post is technically part 2 of what happened on my son’s graduation day.
Things were doing well on the graduation ceremony.
Alex was all smile, so happy to take pictures with his Dad even pulled out his signature silly faces to be captured on my camera. All that was gone by the time I got to his side.
My heart whispered “Please no!” but it was too late. As soon as I look at him in the eyes, the waterworks started. I kneel down in front of him and asked: “What’s wrong Pumpkin?”
“I am so happy, Mommy.” He said quietly and honestly but failed to stop the tears.
Looking at him like that. My little boy…swept by with so much emotion I had to fight hard not to cry myself. His Dad tried to distract him up by asking if he wants to spend the night at his Dad’s house.
“Yes but Mommy has to come too.” He replied between his tears
I kneel back down and tried to calm him up.
“We can’t do that, Alex. Remember now you have two homes. One with Daddy and one with Mommy.” I hold his hands as he sobs. “You are so lucky to have to homes, baby.”
That didn’t help much.
He then asked for us to take pictures together, the three of us.
We granted his wish while still trying to get him to smile.
He tried hard to stop but I can see the confused look in his eyes, I can feel his pain and I wish I could take all of those away…to protect him, my baby.
“Mommy, I want to split myself in two so I can be with you and be with Daddy too.” that felt like a punch that stings so deep. I tried my best to gather my scattered mind and comfort him and how I wish his Dad would say something too to help me out but no. His Dad chooses silence.
We sat down for a bit, he calmed down; had some water and we all went outside the theater.
My mind was going a hundred miles per hour sitting in Mr. X’s car with a tired boy asleep in my lap as we cut through thick Saturday night traffic going to his house.
Heartbreaking is an understatement to see your son cried like that and clearly still hoping his parents would get back together again.
I need to talk to him, I realized that. It’s been three years, I’ve apologized to him and I thought he’s fine. I thought he ‘gets it’ by now. But clearly what happened on that stage showed differently.
That night, I tossed and turned on my empty bed trying to figure out how to help my boy understands our situation.
The next day, I got to talk with Dan. He told me to just try to explain the situation again with A and one day he will eventually wrap his mind around the concept and understand it.
And that’s what I did not long after Alex got home from his Dad’s house. We were in our room, we sat down on the floor and I asked him “Alex, can I tell you something?” he looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “Tell me, Mommy.”
So I told him how Mommy and Daddy now both have different lives, we followed our own happiness and that’s OK. That doesn’t mean he has to choose between us. I told him he doesn’t need to split himself in two because he can go to Daddy anytime he wants to.
“Do you understand that, pumpkin” I placed my hand on his skinny knees and looking at him in the eyes.
“So, Daddy is married to Tante** now?” I nodded “Yes because Mommy and Daddy are already divorced. We’ve been divorced for a long time now and Tante is Daddy’s new wife. Do you know what divorced means?”
“It means when two people that were married before don’t live in the same house anymore and go their own ways. That’s what Mommy and Daddy did. Daddy chooses his own happiness and Mommy does the same thing. I am very happy living here with you, Oma, Opa, and Oom* Danny.”
“And when people get married they wear a gold ring?” he grabs my right hand “You don’t have a gold ring, Mommy?”
“No, I don’t, baby because I’m not married.”
“Daddy has a gold ring.”
“Yes, because Daddy is married to Tante now and that’s OK. I’m happy for him. They have your cute little baby brother now, remember?” I smiled genuinely.
“Will you get married again, Mommy?”
“Maybe I will, I don’t know yet. Will that be ok with you tho?”
His face lit up and he said “I think you will marry Oom Dan! Yes, you will marry him” and there’s the cutest faith a little boy could master shining from his face.
“Oooh really????” I teased him “Do you like Oom Dan?”
“Yes, Mommy I like him. He’s funny!”
My heart got swollen to receive my little man’s seal of approval so what did I do? I pulled that skinny boy and hugged him tight then tickled him.