Bedtime Apology

That little head was snuggling in my arms…

His soft curls tickle my face, so close I could smell his scents. His fingers entwined with mine as we lay down in our bed. After reading him Good Night Moon – three times – we snuggles. We talked.

That’s how we end his night. It was the most intimate moments we share together, times that he is all mine and I’m all his. Part of the day that I always looking forward to.

Started with his favorite books followed by our nighttime duet of Casting Crown’s “We Cry Holy” – or as he calls it “Holy Holy”, he would say his bedtime prayer then snuggle up to talk. This is the moment where he usually says things that came from deep within him.

Daddy loves you Mommy

He said it ever so softly yet it manage to give me a pang…it made me loose my grip and I told him what I’ve been telling him in this past 7 months.

Yes and Mommy and Daddy loves you so very much. You know that right?

He nodded…then said that lines I’ve been hearing a lot and every time it feels like a sharp guilt cut me open, of helplessness.

Mommy go home with Lil’ A to the apartment…with Daddy. Mommy get in Daddy’s car…

Before, I would told him “We will, pumpkin…we will…” but that was then. And this time I feel like I had crushed his hopes, his dreams of having a whole family again.

What hurts the most is telling your almost 4 years old boy that his Mommy and Daddy can’t live together anymore. No matter how gentle I tried to let him know it is the hardest part of divorce. You wish you can shield your child from the cruel effects of it.

I am so sorry, Baby…but Mommy and Daddy love you so very much, that will never change and it is not your fault.

He was silent as if trying to wrap his little mind to the reality of how his whole life had forever changed. I wish I could spare him the pain, the disappointments. By God, I wish he doesn’t have to be another statistics of broken home child. Innocent little lives whose world has been rocked by the D word.

It was dark in our room, lights are all out…but he can sense my tears brewing.

Don’t be sad Mommy!” he wiped my face with his little soft hand just before the first drop fell.

I asked him if he misses his Daddy. The boy didn’t say yes or no. He just nodded his head. I pulled him closer and hugged him tight while whispering “I’m sure Daddy misses you too a lot!

Although this boy had spent a lot of times being separated from his father before – with his job in China and all his travels – he is old enough to remember the times he spent with Daddy and knowing that I could never replace them or even come close to being Daddy, I feel helpless…guilty.

Behind his lively, silly, goofy toddler self…this boy have a very sensitive side to him. He doesn’t show it often but when he does…it hurts me to see him hurting. Just like two months ago when he let out a cry unlike any other cries I have ever heard in his life. He buried his face on my neck and cried this painful cry that came from deep within him. It was after he asked me to come home to the apartment again.

I apologized to him a lot…and I can only pray that someday when he is old enough to understand, he will not hate me for deciding to leave his father.

Maybe I should write him a letter and explain what had happened while it is still fresh in my memory then give it to him when he’s all grown up.

Have you ever apologized to your child? If you have been through divorce, how do you explain the concept of divorce to a toddler?



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14 Comments on Bedtime Apology

  1. jo frances
    October 5, 2010 at 12:35 pm (6 years ago)

    Even though the subject is difficult, you have captured it beautifully and honestly.

    jo frances recently posted..Four degrees of seperationMy Profile

  2. Pumpkin and Piglet
    October 5, 2010 at 12:36 pm (6 years ago)

    Oh hun, this must be so hard for you and Lil’ A. I’m sure he will understand when he’s older but I’m sure he also knows now that you and his Daddy still love him very much. It’s a confusing time for you both, maybe a letter is a good idea for when he’s older? You know how to get hold of me if you need anything or a friendly ear x
    Pumpkin and Piglet recently posted..House to homeMy Profile

  3. BLOGitse
    October 5, 2010 at 2:15 pm (6 years ago)

    Been there, done that.
    Only thing I can say is to be honest and talk normally like to an adult. If a child wants to know more he/she will ask. Answer only to the question. That’s enough.
    More questions will come…
    I’m sure you’re not disparaging your son’s dad and that’s how it should be even if you feel bad, sad, lonely etc.

    I’ve heard several sad stories how parents are fighting and children are like weapons in their battle. That is so wrong and childish.
    Adults should be adults and behave like that. Kids should be able to trust both. With trust children will survive even if they are lost and with time they will heal IF they have trust…

    Be good to yourself. You do your best. Don’t feel guilty – life goes on and that’s how your son should ‘see and feel’ you.
    Take care!
    BLOGitse recently posted..United Buddy Bears tour in Helsinki- FinlandMy Profile

  4. Jessica
    October 5, 2010 at 5:36 pm (6 years ago)

    This post brought tears to my eyes! I have never gone through a divorce, so I can’t offer much advice. Just wanted to let you know that time heals all wounds. Soon, when your son sees mommy and daddy happy in their new lives, he will learn that it is okay to be happy again. I’m praying for you and your family and wish you all the best. Divorce is tough on children at any age. I think, however, that parents can do much to make the transition a bit easier.


  5. Tayarra
    October 5, 2010 at 8:22 pm (6 years ago)

    My goodness, Maureen. This had me crying like a baby. It is such a sad, sad situtation, but seems to be the right thing. You are doing what you need to do with that little man. What a sweet guy! I’ve never had to do this and I hope I never will, but I am wishing for strength for the 2 of you.

  6. Kerry
    October 5, 2010 at 10:49 pm (6 years ago)

    That is one sweet angel you have! I love him. HE will get you through this. He will be just fine. He will. Kids are tough and he will adjust. YOU have to be happy and that is most important for Lil A. HUGS mama! xoxo
    Kerry recently posted..Slow You MortalityMy Profile

  7. liz
    October 6, 2010 at 3:32 am (6 years ago)

    I’m so, so sorry, Maureen. That had to be a gut-wrenching conversation to have with him.

  8. Kristi {at} Live and Love...Out Loud
    October 6, 2010 at 4:54 am (6 years ago)

    Oh Maureen, I’ve stood in the same place you’re standing right now. I’ve walked in those shoes, layed in that lonely bed and cried those tears. Let me start out by saying that I’m sending you a huge hug. I went through a divorce when my two older children were very young. My son was around 4 years old at the time and it hurt him to the core. He cried himself to sleep for years. All the hugs and “I’m sorry’s” didnt’ heal the pain and it still doesn’t. My son is 15 years old now. His father is pretty much non-existent in his life and it’s affected him so very much. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s that I couldn’t shield him from the pain. Our boys will be okay one day. All we can do is hug them and tell them that we love them as often as needed.
    Thank you for sharing. You have no idea how much this means to other women who going through the same experiences. Keep your head up. You’re not alone.

    Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
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  9. April
    October 6, 2010 at 11:06 am (6 years ago)

    Maureen, you made me cry. I was in your son’s shoes once and I know how he feels. Although in his case it’s a bit tougher because his dad lives in another country. I think what the parents should do to explain about the divorce to their children is explain it as fair as possible, don’t let your emotion involved and blame your partner in front of your children. Let him still be a person he loves and proud of till the end. I write something about divorce in my blog, half jokingly, though. Lots and lots of love for you and the little prince.
    April recently posted..Polygami – a Powerful SolutionMy Profile

  10. ayang
    October 6, 2010 at 3:59 pm (6 years ago)

    send u & lil’A a big bear hug!
    *wipe tears*

  11. Mrs.Mayhem
    October 6, 2010 at 8:09 pm (6 years ago)

    Maureen, thank you for sharing. Your honesty and bravery had me in tears. I’ve never been through divorce, but I do know that when our children are in pain, all we can do is be there to comfort them and help them work through their feelings. Your love for your son is plainly visible and I know you will be there to support him. Hugs to you both.
    Mrs.Mayhem recently posted..Attack of the Bathroom VandalsMy Profile

  12. Maryline
    October 7, 2010 at 11:34 am (6 years ago)

    Big hugs, and lots of courage sent your way. The months ahead won’t be easy.
    You are answering his questions and providing reassurance, that’s all Lil’A needs, beside the unconditional love of his parents, and his momma tucking him into his bed 🙂
    Hang in there. You are so brave. Just keep going, one day at a time. It will get easier.
    Maryline recently posted..Declutter Tuesday – CrossroadMy Profile

  13. Katie
    October 10, 2010 at 11:56 pm (6 years ago)

    I can’t imagine this. And how is it possible that you made something so sad and devastating so beautiful? This post is lovely. Sad and lovely. I know you will find the right things to tell Lil A. You have a wonderful relationship with him. Hugs to you, momma!
    Katie recently posted..What Happens When I Poll the AudienceMy Profile

  14. Shell
    October 14, 2010 at 4:36 am (6 years ago)

    What a painful, beautiful, post. Sounds like you are a wonderful mama. Sending happy thoughts your way.
    Shell recently posted..On State Fair FunMy Profile


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