That little head was snuggling in my arms…
His soft curls tickle my face, so close I could smell his scents. His fingers entwined with mine as we lay down in our bed. After reading him Good Night Moon – three times – we snuggles. We talked.
That’s how we end his night. It was the most intimate moments we share together, times that he is all mine and I’m all his. Part of the day that I always looking forward to.
Started with his favorite books followed by our nighttime duet of Casting Crown’s “We Cry Holy” – or as he calls it “Holy Holy”, he would say his bedtime prayer then snuggle up to talk. This is the moment where he usually says things that came from deep within him.
“Daddy loves you Mommy”
He said it ever so softly yet it manage to give me a pang…it made me loose my grip and I told him what I’ve been telling him in this past 7 months.
“Yes and Mommy and Daddy loves you so very much. You know that right?”
He nodded…then said that lines I’ve been hearing a lot and every time it feels like a sharp guilt cut me open, of helplessness.
“Mommy go home with Lil’ A to the apartment…with Daddy. Mommy get in Daddy’s car…”
Before, I would told him “We will, pumpkin…we will…” but that was then. And this time I feel like I had crushed his hopes, his dreams of having a whole family again.
What hurts the most is telling your almost 4 years old boy that his Mommy and Daddy can’t live together anymore. No matter how gentle I tried to let him know it is the hardest part of divorce. You wish you can shield your child from the cruel effects of it.
“I am so sorry, Baby…but Mommy and Daddy love you so very much, that will never change and it is not your fault.”
He was silent as if trying to wrap his little mind to the reality of how his whole life had forever changed. I wish I could spare him the pain, the disappointments. By God, I wish he doesn’t have to be another statistics of broken home child. Innocent little lives whose world has been rocked by the D word.
It was dark in our room, lights are all out…but he can sense my tears brewing.
“Don’t be sad Mommy!” he wiped my face with his little soft hand just before the first drop fell.
I asked him if he misses his Daddy. The boy didn’t say yes or no. He just nodded his head. I pulled him closer and hugged him tight while whispering “I’m sure Daddy misses you too a lot!”
Although this boy had spent a lot of times being separated from his father before – with his job in China and all his travels – he is old enough to remember the times he spent with Daddy and knowing that I could never replace them or even come close to being Daddy, I feel helpless…guilty.
Behind his lively, silly, goofy toddler self…this boy have a very sensitive side to him. He doesn’t show it often but when he does…it hurts me to see him hurting. Just like two months ago when he let out a cry unlike any other cries I have ever heard in his life. He buried his face on my neck and cried this painful cry that came from deep within him. It was after he asked me to come home to the apartment again.
I apologized to him a lot…and I can only pray that someday when he is old enough to understand, he will not hate me for deciding to leave his father.
Maybe I should write him a letter and explain what had happened while it is still fresh in my memory then give it to him when he’s all grown up.
Have you ever apologized to your child? If you have been through divorce, how do you explain the concept of divorce to a toddler?