This post is truly inspired by the amazing lady of Writing, Wishing, Alison’s post that I read last week. Her words so powerful as usual, making me wonder about the things I fear, things I’m afraid to confess.
After reading her post, I seriously got choked up. Tears welled up in the corner of my eyes and since then I can’t stop thinking about these things.
Maybe shining some lights will help.
So here they are 4 things I’m afraid to tell you:
- I’m afraid I won’t have another baby ever again. There, I said it! Mommyhood crisis or just baby fever? Not sure what’s the proper name for it. All I know is I’m a 34 years old single mom who get constant pangs of sadness in my heart when I see cute little babies. When I got to hold my colleague’s baby girl my heart wept for the baby girl I might never have. Funny because after I had A, I thought oh I was done! I am so not having another baby and go through the preeclampsia horror, emergency c-section, and all the trimmings ever again! So why now? Why, my uterus is doing somersault whenever I see babies. Oh, and have I told you I will be an aunt soon? Yes, my brother who just got married last December and his wife is expecting their first baby together. I am super stoked to be real aunty!
- I’m afraid my boy is internalizing way too much. He is such a sensitive boy. My sweet sweet caring little man. I’m scared his sensitive side will be a boomerang to him if he can’t manage it well and I failed him. I secretly worries that being a child out of divorce family he will grow up thinking he’s very different than his friends. Physically he’s already different than most of his friends in school being mixed. One night he came up to me saying “Mommy, when I grow up I will work so fast and so hard so my boss will give me lots of money and I will give all that to you!” He said with a serious look on his face that made my heart melt. I never complained about our financial situations to him. He knows I have to work, he knows that when he wakes up in the morning his mom is gone to work.
- I’m afraid I have fallen head over heels with that man. That sweet gentle man with blue eyes as calm as the ocean that pulls me in. He didn’t break down any walls. He didn’t showered me with empty promises. Instead, he reach his hand out to me and I walked out of my fortress voluntarily to hold his hand. Following what feels right in my heart. Guess, I shouldn’t really be afraid, should I? But yeah, I still have moments. PS: Today is his birthday! So, Happy Birthday again, my love. I am so blessed to have you in my life.
- I’m afraid my back will never be fully normal ever again. I know I need to pick myself up and find the workout that will works for me, for my
90 yearsold herniated back. As I’m typing this I’ve been feeling quite sorry for myself as I had to quit another program because my back is just killing me. For now I will listen to him, someone who had also dealt with a back injury and work to build more strength on my back which is far more important than having huge biceps.
Thank you for the inspiration, Alison!