4 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

This post is truly inspired by the amazing lady of Writing, Wishing, Alison’s post that I read last week. Her words so powerful as usual, making me wonder about the things I fear, things I’m afraid to confess.

After reading her post, I seriously got choked up. Tears welled up in the corner of my eyes and since then I can’t stop thinking about these things.

Maybe shining some lights will help.

So here they are 4 things I’m afraid to tell you:

  • I’m afraid I won’t have another baby ever again. There, I said it! Mommyhood crisis or just baby fever? Not sure what’s the proper name for it. All I know is I’m a 34 years old single mom who get constant pangs of sadness in my heart when I see cute little babies. When I got to hold my colleague’s baby girl my heart wept for the baby girl I might never have. Funny because after I had A, I thought oh I was done! I am so not having another baby and go through the preeclampsia horror, emergency c-section, and all the trimmings ever again! So why now? Why, my uterus is doing somersault whenever I see babies. Oh, and have I told you I will be an aunt soon? Yes, my brother who just got married last December and his wife is expecting their first baby together. I am super stoked to be real aunty!
  • I’m afraid my boy is internalizing way too much. He is such a sensitive boy. My sweet sweet caring little man. I’m scared his sensitive side will be a boomerang to him if he can’t manage it well and I failed him. I secretly worries that being a child out of divorce family he will grow up thinking he’s very different than his friends. Physically he’s already different than most of his friends in school being mixed. One night he came up to me saying “Mommy, when I grow up I will work so fast and so hard so my boss will give me lots of money and I will give all that to you!” He said with a serious look on his face that made my heart melt. I never complained about our financial situations to him. He knows I have to work, he knows that when he wakes up in the morning his mom is gone to work.
  • I’m afraid I have fallen head over heels with that man. That sweet gentle man with blue eyes as calm as the ocean that pulls me in. He didn’t break down any walls. He didn’t showered me with empty promises. Instead, he reach his hand out to me and I walked out of my fortress voluntarily to hold his hand. Following what feels right in my heart. Guess, I shouldn’t really be afraid, should I? But yeah, I still have moments. PS: Today is his birthday! So, Happy Birthday again, my love. I am so blessed to have you in my life.
  • I’m afraid my back will never be fully normal ever again. I know I need to pick myself up and find the workout that will works for me, for my 90 years old herniated back. As I’m typing this I’ve been feeling quite sorry for myself as I had to quit another program because my back is just killing me. For now I will listen to him, someone who had also dealt with a back injury and work to build more strength on my back which is far more important than having huge biceps.

Thank you for the inspiration, Alison!

What are you afraid of?

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future blog posts deliver straight to your inbox.

15 Comments on 4 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

  1. Alison
    May 20, 2013 at 3:49 pm (2 years ago)

    Maureen, I’m so glad you wrote this, and that my post inspired you (seriously girl, you’re making me tear up).

    The baby thing? You know I get you. But 34 is young, and there is still so much in your future that is good, and relating to your 3rd thing- well, you never know, right?

    A is young, and kids pick up on a lot of what’s going on around them. From what I can tell, he’s internalizing your kindness, your heart. And he’ll be okay. Trust him to be okay.

    I don’t have experience with the bad back, but I do know this. You know your body, you know what you need to do to look after it. Trust yourself.

    xoxo
    Alison recently posted..The Other SideMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      May 21, 2013 at 9:35 am (2 years ago)

      Oh Alison, thank you again for the inspiration. Really, at first I was scared to share this for not wanting to sounds shallow but then sitting here reading these amazing comments from people like you, I am so touched!

      Thank you for the kind reassurance I needed to read, Alison. Your positivity is infectious and that’s what I love about you.

      Reply
  2. Saundra Rohn
    May 20, 2013 at 5:03 pm (2 years ago)

    My daughter,
    “What time I am afraid, I will trust in You” Scripture: Psalms 56:9 “This I know; God is for me”
    Love you and miss you always❤
    Mom

    Reply
    • Maureen
      May 21, 2013 at 9:36 am (2 years ago)

      Amen. Thank you Mom :)
      Love you and miss you too a lot!

      Reply
  3. Jackie
    May 21, 2013 at 1:09 am (2 years ago)

    34 is just not that old! I had my youngest when I was 38 and there are so many others having babies at 40! Don’t worry because if all goes well with the third thing on your list you’ll have a beautiful bundle to cuddle soon enough. :)
    Jackie recently posted..Letters to my kids – AndrewMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      May 21, 2013 at 9:42 am (2 years ago)

      Awww thank you Jackie, your comment put a big wide smile and a warm feelings in my heart. Appreciate that :)

      Reply
  4. vanita
    May 21, 2013 at 4:13 am (2 years ago)

    ahhh sistah great big hug to you. i dont have the answers but i can tell you you’ll get through everything just find. you’re a wonderful brilliant woman. you will make it. also, i can tell you, my teens are perfectly fine and better off with out their sperm donor of a father. younger teen is also a very sensitive type, but she’s very happy and the girls tell me all the time that they’re happy with our family as is. i also know 4 women who have had kids at 40. you’re on the right path with your health and that helps heaps. so glad you’re in love again. i told you it would happen. this time last year you didn’t think it would, but it did. let go of the insecurities and just know that all will turn our wonderfully. you deserve nothing less.
    vanita recently posted..Bounce Rate Defined Series: 3 Design Choices That Hurt Your BlogMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      May 21, 2013 at 10:29 am (2 years ago)

      Damn, woman! You got me in tears.

      Yes remember our chats last year? I was done lol but you my friend has always been so positive and I am so thankful for that!

      Thank you for sharing that V, gives me hopes that A will be just fine too knowing that NOT all kids of divorce will be doomed.

      Love ya!

      Reply
  5. Karyn
    May 21, 2013 at 8:36 am (2 years ago)

    Sweetie, I had my first baby just before 34, my second at 37 and my third at 41… I understand that yearning for another as much as I understand your wanting to the best for Alex, and worrying about your back and the new man and, and, and…you can have it all. Truly. xx

    Reply
    • Maureen
      May 21, 2013 at 10:33 am (2 years ago)

      WOW Karyn, you rock! Thank you, my friend :) It is assuring to know that I’ve known some really awesome ladies who had babies when they are older than 35. You included.

      Reply
  6. Ewa "Mom Photographer"
    May 21, 2013 at 11:00 pm (2 years ago)

    Maureen, I’m with you on the back pain and things I would never be able to do because of that.
    You’re doing wonderful things for yourself and your kiddo! You should be proud !
    Look what big things you have achieved for your mind and body. Second baby will come, if you give it some time. Don’t stress out. For now just focus on this precious Little Boy you have!
    Ewa “Mom Photographer” recently posted..Coconut flour Coffee Cake aka I can’t believe I made gluten free cheesecake and I loved it!My Profile

    Reply
  7. Rachel
    May 24, 2013 at 9:29 am (2 years ago)

    I am impressed by your honesty. I can see why your head over heels!
    Rachel recently posted..Cupcake WarsMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      May 26, 2013 at 1:09 pm (2 years ago)

      Thank you Rachel :)
      He’s exactly the ideal man I pictured myself would be with one day and more so yes I’m head over heels lol

      Reply
  8. Rina
    May 26, 2013 at 2:01 am (2 years ago)

    My friend got baby at age 41! I am glad you finally found love again, I hope this one will be the last and the best for you and your little one :)
    Rina recently posted..Gorgeous Bubble Tea from ChatimeMy Profile

    Reply
    • Maureen
      May 26, 2013 at 1:10 pm (2 years ago)

      Kudos to your friend! :)
      Maybe one day that will happen but for now yes I’d just enjoy spoiling my soon to be niece/nephew Aww thank you Rina for your kind wishes :)

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *






Comment *

CommentLuv badge